Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
How Quickly We Fall
Looking back I can’t believe the life I’ve left behind
Expectations and the goals I set quickly changed with time
The life I planned differs from the life I lived,everything has changed
The hardest thing to except, is I’m the only one to blame
I know where I went wrong, I just can’t explain why
Life seem to hold the answers, all I had to do was try
I let disappointment discourage me, from all that I desired
I lost the will to carry on, my life is uninspired
It’s been so long and I fallen so far, I’m no longer in control
I’ve stared into the face of death, as it ripped into my soul
I climbed back up just to lose again, will I ever reach my goal?
I don’t know how to ask for help, I’ll just let my life unfold
Desire and drive, a passion for life, who can predict their fate?
The more shit life throws at you,the more you can relate
Everyone’s there to give advice and let you know the deal
Until they lose everything, they”ll never know how it feels
Tell me what it takes to be happy, I’ve heard it all before
Give me the skills to cope and I’ll destroy my life some more
The harder I try to live life right, the more it knocks me down
My soul was lost years ago, just bury me in the ground
LifeTime
There was a time in my life
I cared about what others thought
Choices in life were centered around
Pleasing everybody but myself
I knew what I wanted, but it didn't make sense
People were always telling me I had to change
I gave into their shit, and started living a lie
My values were compromised
Everyone was happy, except for me
My life turned to misery
I stopped caring about what people thought
I told everyone to just fuck off
This is my life, I won't compromise
I'm sick of living for someone else
Now I am free, I've got to be me
I've got my life and my morality
I no longer care, or live with despair
Fuck you, if you don't think it's fair
This is my life, you have no right
Stop trying to make me change
I tried it your way, felt nothing but shame
I'm sick of the heart ache and pain
One Last Fall
All the pain and the shame that the drugs represent
Falling and Crawling into a fucked up life of descent
Cracked up, Smacked up, you have no will to fight
Don't care, if it's fair, this shit takes over your life
Get clean for the dream, then it all just falls apart
Fucking junkie so unlucky, right back to the start
Rip a hole in your soul, for a life that can't exist
One more hit, shoot more shit, no way to resist
Sobriety keeps calling, but you keep falling
Into the pain, to the needle your chained
It only takes time,till the drugs make you blind
It's a habit again, say goodbye to your friends
Nobody cares, a junkies life is despair
Don't be mislead cause your already dead
One last fall, you fucking junkie
Why can't you see
One last fall, you fucking junkie
What has happened to me?
One last fall, you fucking junkie
You new all the risks
One last fall, you fucking junkie
You won't even be missed
Destiny
Staring out into the distance, I think of what could be
Is there a point to all this madness, what's our destiny?
Normal life seems so strange, it's the same thing everyday
People don't even notice, when their dreams start to fade
Conforming to a system, that's designed for us to fail
People that are remembered, have paved their own trail
Being pushed out for having our own morals and beliefs
Instead of believing all the bullshit, let others be deceived
I remember in my past, when the future looked so bright
That time is behind me now and I still try to do things right
Even though I expected to have all the fortune and the fame
If I had to do it all again, I think it would turn out the same
Regrets are part of life, we must learn from our mistakes
Even though we want it all, there must be give and take
Shit happens for some reason, many just think it's fate
It either makes your life or destroys you with hate
If I was to Say Sorry
If I was to say sorry, would I be forgiven for my life?
If I was to say sorry, would you relieve me of strife?
Though I’ve tried and tried, it all turned to lies
I sat and watched as my life passed me by
If I was to say sorry, could I do it all again?
If I was to say sorry, would I be free from my sin?
My regret, can’t forget the pain of the past
All these years have caught up with me so fast
Misery and Pain, Losing all control, Living in Vein, Life without a soul
Didn’t have time to think, Didn’t have time to care
Never wanted to blame myself, thinking life was so unfair
If I was to change my ways, try to learn from my mistakes
Would anything really change for me, or is it just too late?
If I was to admit, that this life was all my fault
Could I change my destiny and live the life that I sought
If I was to say sorry, would you relieve me of strife?
Though I’ve tried and tried, it all turned to lies
I sat and watched as my life passed me by
If I was to say sorry, could I do it all again?
If I was to say sorry, would I be free from my sin?
My regret, can’t forget the pain of the past
All these years have caught up with me so fast
Misery and Pain, Losing all control, Living in Vein, Life without a soul
Didn’t have time to think, Didn’t have time to care
Never wanted to blame myself, thinking life was so unfair
If I was to change my ways, try to learn from my mistakes
Would anything really change for me, or is it just too late?
If I was to admit, that this life was all my fault
Could I change my destiny and live the life that I sought
Fighting For Life
Fighting for life at the end of the rope
Nothing to lose, you’ve lost all hope
No one will help a person so wrong
No one will care when you are gone
You lived your life without having a care
Robbing and stealing causing despair
You always take, with nothing to give
Now you’ll die the way you lived
It was all bound to catch up one day
With all the people that you betrayed
Now its too late, too late for remorse
Fate has caught up and taken its course
You should have thought about your life
Given back to others and done what’s right
Now it’s too late and your wondering why
No one will care when it’s your turn to die.
Nothing to lose, you’ve lost all hope
No one will help a person so wrong
No one will care when you are gone
You lived your life without having a care
Robbing and stealing causing despair
You always take, with nothing to give
Now you’ll die the way you lived
It was all bound to catch up one day
With all the people that you betrayed
Now its too late, too late for remorse
Fate has caught up and taken its course
You should have thought about your life
Given back to others and done what’s right
Now it’s too late and your wondering why
No one will care when it’s your turn to die.
I Don't Care
So many years just a different day
Hopeless existence, I've lost my way
Feeling so low, lost everything inside
Watching my life as it passes me by
I once lived a life with promise and hope
Till I lost all my will and forgot how to cope
No matter how I try, I can't shake my past
My dreams were taken and smashed
Slowly time passes, loneliness is my home
Now I live my life, so useless and alone
Ive tried and I've tried just to break free
I don't even care what becomes of me
Drug Rituals
I think it’s funny, but for some reason every drug has a special ritual. Not only that, but it also seems like every individual also has their own ritual to go with each drug that they do. Whether it’s actually doing the drug, or preparing to do the drug, there are always different procedures involved with getting high.
If a person gets involved deep enough, the whole process, from getting the money, to calling and even meeting to get the drugs, all become part of the process. I’ve even known people that seemed more attached to everything other than the actual drug. Especially with your harder drugs like crack and heroin.
With crack, the whole preparation leading up to doing the drug can be a whole process in itself. A lot of people use glass “stems” to smoke their crack with. They are a small(only about 4 to 5 inches long), straight glass cylinder and they usually come with a little rose inside them. Why I do not know, I guess it is to cover up what they are really intended for. Even though everyone already knows. In order to be able to use these stems, first you have to get some chore boy, which is actually steel wool. This is used to filter out the impurities and keep the crack from melting into the glass pipe too fast. The problem is, you can’t just stuff chore boy into the pipe. First you have to burn off all of the coating so your only smoking crack and not a bunch of chemicals. Then after you get all that ready, you take a few hits and then push the chore boy back and forth(usually with like a coat-hanger that has been cut, long enough to go all the way through the pipe) to get up all the resin for a better hit. Though, some people just wait until they have smoked a whole bunch, that way, when they “push the pipe” the resin hit, is a big hit(which is actually even better because it is pure coke resin and not whatever else they cut the crack with) all in itself.
Though not everyone has access to getting a glass pipe, I have seen people use all kind of things to smoke their “rocks” with. Mostly some kind of straight hollow object, filled with chore boy. A lot of people will break off antennas from cars, not only for the pipe, but also to use as a pusher too. They will wrap one side(usually with electrical tape) so they don’t burn their lips while smoking. Though I’ve seen people get the pipe so hot, it is unavoidable, and they don’t even seem to care. Anything to get that big hit!! Also, I’ve seen people use sockets from a socket wrench set, it is pretty crazy what people will come up with in a pinch.
The last thing, and probably the most common thing for people to use, is a can(beer or soda, it doesn’t matter). They will take the can, push in one side, and then poke a bunch of holes where they indented the can. I have also seen a lot of people use cans to smoke just about anything that is smoke-able but I think crack is the most prevalent. Then, depending on the person they might punch a hole in one side(some on top and some on bottom), this is use as a “shotgun”, to get all the smoke faster after taking the hit. I have seen some pretty crazy can configurations, and every crackhead thinks that they make the best can.
Now heroin has just as many rituals. From cooking up the drug, to how and where you are going to get that drug into your system. Everyone has their own techniques, and they are developed over time, as the person’s habit progresses. The biggest ritual is actually getting(or hitting) the drug into your system. The longer you are an addict, the harder this can get. Especially when you start blowing out veins. Most addicts lose access to their veins, from either trying to hit in one place too much or from missing the shot(this can cause big abscess’s which usually have to be drained or at least treated).
Since Heroin has to be cooked(most of the time), most people bring a cooker with them, that is unless they wait until they get home to do their shot. Which is another ritual in itself, pulling over as fast as you can, after you have copped(gotten your drugs). These days, a lot of big cities have needle exchange programs(which are saving a lot of lives and a lot of people from disease), these programs offer many items that the addict needs to get high with(other than just the needles). The cookers they offer are aluminium and they look just like a twist off bottle cap(without the threads). Back before the needle exchange(and still in a pinch)people would take the bottom off a can and use that as their cooker. Some people use spoons, but spoons are more of a Hollywood movie thing, because they can spill very easy.
Once your dope is cooked, you’ll need to use a small piece of cotton in the cooker to draw up your dope. Not only does this make it easy to draw up, but it also filters out the impurities. Most people will just rip off a small piece from a cigarette, but needle exchanges do hand out packages with little balls of cotton. Some addicts will use the same gear over and over, this is what leads to infections and contaminated dope. Also, if you aren’t careful, you can get cotton fever. This is from drawing up your dope and not noticing a small piece of cotton(sometimes it’s so small its not even visible) on the needle and then injecting it into your system. Cotton fever, will make you feel feverish and give you flu like symptoms for about 4 hours.
Which brings me to the needles, most people start out with diabetics. They are pretty easy to get, either from the needle exchange or like the old way, go to the pharmacist and tell them you are a diabetic. Most junkies even know the different types of insulin used, just in case the pharmacist ask you. Unfortunately, after years off use, most addict lose access to their veins. Which leads to going deeper and using larger needles. The groin or the neck is usually the next choice. Which can last a very long time, but also leave scares over time. Eventually, these spots will also collapse. As years pass, most addict are covered with scars, either from missing and having abscess’s or from just repeatedly hitting in the same place.
I guess in conclusion, all drugs have their different techniques, that over time just become a natural part of the drug being used. It’s crazy to think, at first these drugs are so scary and most people wouldn’t even consider ANY of these rituals. Fact is, the more immersed you become in any drug. The more immune you become!! You find yourself doing thing that would terrify most people(and even terrified yourself, before you started). Which is how most addict end up dying or catching any variety of diseases. No one wants the life of a junkie or crackhead. All it takes is a few times and you are hooked.
If a person gets involved deep enough, the whole process, from getting the money, to calling and even meeting to get the drugs, all become part of the process. I’ve even known people that seemed more attached to everything other than the actual drug. Especially with your harder drugs like crack and heroin.
With crack, the whole preparation leading up to doing the drug can be a whole process in itself. A lot of people use glass “stems” to smoke their crack with. They are a small(only about 4 to 5 inches long), straight glass cylinder and they usually come with a little rose inside them. Why I do not know, I guess it is to cover up what they are really intended for. Even though everyone already knows. In order to be able to use these stems, first you have to get some chore boy, which is actually steel wool. This is used to filter out the impurities and keep the crack from melting into the glass pipe too fast. The problem is, you can’t just stuff chore boy into the pipe. First you have to burn off all of the coating so your only smoking crack and not a bunch of chemicals. Then after you get all that ready, you take a few hits and then push the chore boy back and forth(usually with like a coat-hanger that has been cut, long enough to go all the way through the pipe) to get up all the resin for a better hit. Though, some people just wait until they have smoked a whole bunch, that way, when they “push the pipe” the resin hit, is a big hit(which is actually even better because it is pure coke resin and not whatever else they cut the crack with) all in itself.
Though not everyone has access to getting a glass pipe, I have seen people use all kind of things to smoke their “rocks” with. Mostly some kind of straight hollow object, filled with chore boy. A lot of people will break off antennas from cars, not only for the pipe, but also to use as a pusher too. They will wrap one side(usually with electrical tape) so they don’t burn their lips while smoking. Though I’ve seen people get the pipe so hot, it is unavoidable, and they don’t even seem to care. Anything to get that big hit!! Also, I’ve seen people use sockets from a socket wrench set, it is pretty crazy what people will come up with in a pinch.
The last thing, and probably the most common thing for people to use, is a can(beer or soda, it doesn’t matter). They will take the can, push in one side, and then poke a bunch of holes where they indented the can. I have also seen a lot of people use cans to smoke just about anything that is smoke-able but I think crack is the most prevalent. Then, depending on the person they might punch a hole in one side(some on top and some on bottom), this is use as a “shotgun”, to get all the smoke faster after taking the hit. I have seen some pretty crazy can configurations, and every crackhead thinks that they make the best can.
Now heroin has just as many rituals. From cooking up the drug, to how and where you are going to get that drug into your system. Everyone has their own techniques, and they are developed over time, as the person’s habit progresses. The biggest ritual is actually getting(or hitting) the drug into your system. The longer you are an addict, the harder this can get. Especially when you start blowing out veins. Most addicts lose access to their veins, from either trying to hit in one place too much or from missing the shot(this can cause big abscess’s which usually have to be drained or at least treated).
Since Heroin has to be cooked(most of the time), most people bring a cooker with them, that is unless they wait until they get home to do their shot. Which is another ritual in itself, pulling over as fast as you can, after you have copped(gotten your drugs). These days, a lot of big cities have needle exchange programs(which are saving a lot of lives and a lot of people from disease), these programs offer many items that the addict needs to get high with(other than just the needles). The cookers they offer are aluminium and they look just like a twist off bottle cap(without the threads). Back before the needle exchange(and still in a pinch)people would take the bottom off a can and use that as their cooker. Some people use spoons, but spoons are more of a Hollywood movie thing, because they can spill very easy.
Once your dope is cooked, you’ll need to use a small piece of cotton in the cooker to draw up your dope. Not only does this make it easy to draw up, but it also filters out the impurities. Most people will just rip off a small piece from a cigarette, but needle exchanges do hand out packages with little balls of cotton. Some addicts will use the same gear over and over, this is what leads to infections and contaminated dope. Also, if you aren’t careful, you can get cotton fever. This is from drawing up your dope and not noticing a small piece of cotton(sometimes it’s so small its not even visible) on the needle and then injecting it into your system. Cotton fever, will make you feel feverish and give you flu like symptoms for about 4 hours.
Which brings me to the needles, most people start out with diabetics. They are pretty easy to get, either from the needle exchange or like the old way, go to the pharmacist and tell them you are a diabetic. Most junkies even know the different types of insulin used, just in case the pharmacist ask you. Unfortunately, after years off use, most addict lose access to their veins. Which leads to going deeper and using larger needles. The groin or the neck is usually the next choice. Which can last a very long time, but also leave scares over time. Eventually, these spots will also collapse. As years pass, most addict are covered with scars, either from missing and having abscess’s or from just repeatedly hitting in the same place.
I guess in conclusion, all drugs have their different techniques, that over time just become a natural part of the drug being used. It’s crazy to think, at first these drugs are so scary and most people wouldn’t even consider ANY of these rituals. Fact is, the more immersed you become in any drug. The more immune you become!! You find yourself doing thing that would terrify most people(and even terrified yourself, before you started). Which is how most addict end up dying or catching any variety of diseases. No one wants the life of a junkie or crackhead. All it takes is a few times and you are hooked.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Writing Poetry (tips & Tricks)
O.k, let me just start out by saying that these are just a couple of ideas that I use when trying to write poetry. I don't use any of these ideas with every poem all of the time, in fact most are just techniques I started to do when I got all caught up on being "Mr. Perfect!!!"
I find a lot of the time I am trying to push my writing(like now). I have a small idea and I try to make it into a masterpiece!!! My favorite time to write, is when I have nothing going on in my head(which lately has been happening a lot more) and all of the sudden this great idea appears out of no where. This rarely happens, but when it does....it is MAGICAL!!!! The poem or Blog almost writes itself. My biggest problem with this, is that I don't know where to end it. I'll have this great poem or story and then I try to fatten it up with a bunch of jibber-jabber.
I would say that probably 75-85% of my poetry is one great verse. Then I start to fluff it up by using one of the techniques I am about to show you. Hell, sometimes all I have is the tittle, which means that the whole piece is fluff!! It's all about how you want the piece to be. I mean is it a poem that tells a story, does it rhyme, and how does it rhyme? Is every line gonna rhyme with the next or is it every other line? If you want, you can even have the words rhyme within the same line. Or maybe just the last line in every or every other verse. The choices are unlimited!!! I think the thing that took me the longest to figure out was, this is "MY" poem, and I can write it how ever I want!!!! Unless of coarse it is an assignment or for some contest, but that is a whole different scenario anyways, if that is what you are into, then that is awesome!!!! Just make sure that the end result is for you and not someone else.
Some people are born with the talent to write and then others have to work their whole lives for it and still never grasp how to write. I was one of the lucky ones, I guess. Writing to me was second nature, well, that is until I tried to force it. Then I dried up and stopped writing all together, but that too has passed(I hope). Well, look... all this rambling an nothing about how to write, maybe it was all a lie and I have no technique!!!! AHAHAHAHA, it's all just a way to get people to read my blogs!!!! AHAHAHAHA. O.K., seriously now, I will get down to business.
My first technique has to do with rhyming. When I get stuck on a word and I want to find something to rhyme it with, I just start with the first letter of the alphabet and work down. Lets take the word "PAIN" (my favorite word, I even have it tattooed on my right forearm{I'm not even joking, "SORROW" is on the other arm, but this isn't a blog about tattoos..so I digress}) for instance. I take the word "PAIN" and start at the top. "A" doesn't work, so I move on to "B" bane, doesn't work either, but "Brain" might, or even "Blame." What's the reason I have all this pain...In my brain? Obviously, you are the only one to "Blame!!"
Then you can keep going, if you are satisfied with "B" then move on to "C." Your the only one to blame, you tied me up, I can't break your "Chains." Then you can move on to "D" I can't break these chains, my love was drained.
So then you generally want to skip A,E,I,O,U, but not always, like I said, this is your poem, if it works then use it!!! So next comes "F." Maybe you want to do it every other line(this is all off of the top of my head, so bare with me!!) My love for you was drained, I no longer have a soul, Consumed by your flames, Into the darkness, Paradise will never be the same.
O.K., see, I skipped around. I mainly only use this technique when I get stuck. Most of the time, I try to rely on the feeling of the poem or story to carry me through. That of coarse was just a simple example, but I think I made my point. It is all about context and content. Don't rely on some trick to make you think you are some great writer all of the sudden. Everyone(including me) wants the easy solution to everything. Just because it works, doesn't mean it will always work!!! Every poem must start with a feeling or good idea.
I must be honest though, and tell you, I really have a hard time reading poetry, because to me it is just a bunch of words put together. I know it sounds bad, but it is true. Don't get me wrong, words mean everything to me and that is what really captured my heart about music. I just have a hard time reading other people's writings. I just think that in order to really understand the feelings and soul of the writer, they must be the one to read it!!!! That is why, when you find that one great song that just speaks right to you, nothing is better. It lets you know that there are other people out there that are going through your pain and feeling the same way that you do. Sometimes, they might even help you to pull through it or understand why things are the way they are.
My next biggest tip happens when you get stuck on a word and you've gone through the whole alphabet and have come up with nothing!! My favorite thing about words is that there are so many words that mean the same thing. Take the sentence, "I'm riding in my car." That can be switched so many ways "Traveling in my car", "Driving in my car" just plain "we were in my car" and so on. Most of the time, if I can't find something to rhyme, I'll just go back and change the last word, so Instead of "Driving in my car" I'll say, "In my car we were riding" so now, I can go through the alphabet and try to find something to rhyme with "Riding" or maybe I'll leave "Car" out completely, "We were cruising along just the other day", so see, the possibilities are endless!!
My last tip, is probably the best tip of all and the simplest!!! If you are really stuck on something and just not feeling it at all, then stop!!! Don't give up and DON'T... I REPEAT DON'T throw it away!!!! I know it's easy to get discouraged and think it completely sucks, which by the way, I have done so many times, it is sickening!!!! But don't do it!!! Just stop, take a break, maybe take a week, a month or however long it takes!!! I've gone back years after starting something and found I had actually written some pretty awesome, a little tweaking and it turned out to be some of my best stuff!!! It might have had a completely different meaning by then, but it still turned out great!!! Whatever you do, don't throw it away, well unless it really sucks, then it's O.K. to ditch it!!!! AHAHAHAHA just kidding. The thing is, you started this writing because of an idea or a feeling. So if you give it some time, the idea or feeling might get stronger and the words might just start to flow the next time you sit down and write.
Good luck, I think you can take it from here, just remember that writing is just a way to express your feelings. A way to make a connection with other people that might be going through the same thing you are. Maybe it's something you've already conquered and there is someone out there right now, trying to make it through the same thing. Whatever you do, don't write because you feel it is what someone else wants!!! I mean, of coarse there will be assignments and stuff, but do them because you want to, not because you have to. Life is all about perspective!!! When I was growing up, I remember everyone always dreaded the writing assignments!!! Not me, I thrived on them!!! Spelling and vocabulary are a different situation all together, my spelling and grammar are horrible, thank GOD FOR SPELLCHECK!!!!! Take it easy, writing can be fun!!! Not to mention a great way to get out bottled up emotions. If it wasn't for writing, I would probably be in a mental hospital right now!!!!(not that I'm too far off as we speak)
Monday, May 28, 2012
Uninspired
So I guess I am writing this because, I have lost all my drive and inspiration. I feel like I have hit the wall and everything I try is just making me feel useless. In the last week, I have tried countless times to do SOMETHING NEW, ANYTHING!!! It just isn't happening. I think I got out about 3 lines in a new poem, and then just erased it. Same with my music, I get out a couple notes and then just scrap the whole thing.
The sad part is, I'm not barely even getting outta bed anymore!!! I have a laptop, so I can mess around with notes and piano rolls on one of the instruments in my music programs, but as far as "real" playing, I can't even force myself to get up and play!! I have had a few ideas in my head, but just can't find the inspiration to get up and actually start working them out. I even went so far as to install some new VST's(Virtual Studio Technology(guitars, violins, bass, etc)) to try to make a new song that way. I get out a few notes and then just start messing around and lose focus. Then when I play it back, it is nothing like I imagine and I erase the whole thing.
I hope you don't mind listening to me whine for a bit.I figured I better force myself to do something productive, so I decided to write this. I couldn't think of anything to write about, so I figured, why not write about how much my life has sucked this last week or two!! I think the main problem is the fact that I just did too much too soon. I was on this mad tear to upload all my stuff on the internet, so I found as much content as possible and posted it everywhere I could find. Now, I've kinda ran out of stuff to post. I don't know if it is because I feel like no one is really checking my stuff out, or if it is that I have run out of ideas. Either way, I am left uninspired!!!
I guess every creative person goes through a dry patch. I just didn't expect it all to dry up. The worst part for me is, even if I did have some million dollar idea, I am just too lazy right now to do anything about it. I know....Waaahhhh, right?!?!?! I mean, this blog is short, but it has already taken me two tries to get this far. I feel like I should be able to just force myself to at least write this.
Its not like I'm depressed. Depression is just a part of life that I have learned to deal with. I'm either extremely happy or extremely depressed. You know, edge of sanity depression(not really suicidal though, I'm have too much of an ego for that{I know that sounds messed up, and it is, completely, that is just another part of my wonderful existence}), but depression is better than what I am going through now. Usually, when I am depressed the creativity will just start flowing. This funk I am in now, feels like absolute nothing!!! I can't really explain it. Numb isn't the right word either. I care, it's not like I don't give a fuck. I could probably lie and say that though. "Oh Who care's, it's not a big deal.." Sadly though, it is a big deal, I am locked in my own mind and can't find the key.
I guess I am just spending way too much time on this computer. I'm on this thing almost every minute I am awake. So maybe a break is something I really need anyways. I will say, I am still watching endless tutorials on everything I can think of. So I guess after this (hopefully) passing phase, maybe I will get back to overloading myself with new material. Then after a few more months will be right back where I am now.... COMPLETELY BURNT OUT!!!!
The sad part is, I'm not barely even getting outta bed anymore!!! I have a laptop, so I can mess around with notes and piano rolls on one of the instruments in my music programs, but as far as "real" playing, I can't even force myself to get up and play!! I have had a few ideas in my head, but just can't find the inspiration to get up and actually start working them out. I even went so far as to install some new VST's(Virtual Studio Technology(guitars, violins, bass, etc)) to try to make a new song that way. I get out a few notes and then just start messing around and lose focus. Then when I play it back, it is nothing like I imagine and I erase the whole thing.
I hope you don't mind listening to me whine for a bit.I figured I better force myself to do something productive, so I decided to write this. I couldn't think of anything to write about, so I figured, why not write about how much my life has sucked this last week or two!! I think the main problem is the fact that I just did too much too soon. I was on this mad tear to upload all my stuff on the internet, so I found as much content as possible and posted it everywhere I could find. Now, I've kinda ran out of stuff to post. I don't know if it is because I feel like no one is really checking my stuff out, or if it is that I have run out of ideas. Either way, I am left uninspired!!!
I guess every creative person goes through a dry patch. I just didn't expect it all to dry up. The worst part for me is, even if I did have some million dollar idea, I am just too lazy right now to do anything about it. I know....Waaahhhh, right?!?!?! I mean, this blog is short, but it has already taken me two tries to get this far. I feel like I should be able to just force myself to at least write this.
Its not like I'm depressed. Depression is just a part of life that I have learned to deal with. I'm either extremely happy or extremely depressed. You know, edge of sanity depression(not really suicidal though, I'm have too much of an ego for that{I know that sounds messed up, and it is, completely, that is just another part of my wonderful existence}), but depression is better than what I am going through now. Usually, when I am depressed the creativity will just start flowing. This funk I am in now, feels like absolute nothing!!! I can't really explain it. Numb isn't the right word either. I care, it's not like I don't give a fuck. I could probably lie and say that though. "Oh Who care's, it's not a big deal.." Sadly though, it is a big deal, I am locked in my own mind and can't find the key.
I guess I am just spending way too much time on this computer. I'm on this thing almost every minute I am awake. So maybe a break is something I really need anyways. I will say, I am still watching endless tutorials on everything I can think of. So I guess after this (hopefully) passing phase, maybe I will get back to overloading myself with new material. Then after a few more months will be right back where I am now.... COMPLETELY BURNT OUT!!!!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Junky Logic
It took me a long time to realize that Junkies are programmed to think completely different than other people. Most people worry about how they are going to pay bills, get to work, and mainly just make it day to day without losing their minds. A Junkies day consists of finding new ways to get money, so they can get high as fast as possible.
The funniest(and saddest) part is, a Junky will tell themselves they aren't getting high that day and they actually believe it, at least for a while. They have every intention of staying clean, but will look for any excuse to throw that away. Either that or they will convince themselves that they will start getting clean tomorrow.
The tomorrow excuse will be the start of many more excuses. Starting with, "Oh, I just want one more really good high before I quit!" That is the biggest one I can think of. Then it all cascades down from there. If the Junky does actually get really high on what is suppose to be the "LAST TIME", they start thinking about how great that high was. This usually leads to thinking about going again...Mainly because they want to make sure they don't miss out on getting really high again. This brings me to the next excuse, "Well, I just messed up, so what is another day. I'll just make sure to stop tomorrow!" Now, the Junky knows deep down that they are lying to themselves. Unfortunately, when it comes to lying, the person a junky lies to the most is themselves.
Time is a funny thing when it comes to getting high. Say I got high early Saturday and then Sunday I only did a little bit. Well, to a Junky, Sunday doesn't count. On Monday, the Junky will say, "Hey, I'm doing good, I haven't been high in two days!" Even if it is Monday morning, it is two days. I mean most of Saturday, all day Sunday(because like I said it doesn't count) and Monday. You always include the day you got high and the day it is, as long as the day you got high was earlier in the day.
Here is another big one when it comes to Junky Logic. If you take someone downtown and cop for them, then they have to get you something. At least enough to get you high. Now, if you are already going down, they probably will get a pass. Though, if your already going down, you really don't involve other people, unless they have something to offer or just happen to be on the way. I mean, lets face it, adding someone else to the picture usually means picking them up and then dropping them back off. This can cut into your getting high time, and every junky knows the faster you get there and back, the quicker your getting high. I mean a lot of people will just pull over on the side of the street downtown and get high right there. Though after a couple close calls, most people will wait until they get home or somewhere safe to get high.It's either close calls or blown out veins and taking forever to hit. Either of these two things will make you wait until you are somewhere you can actually sit back and relax. Missing your shot is almost as bad as dropping it or having the needle pop off the of the rig(if any of you junkies have ever used a blue tip with removable needles, you most likely know what I am talking about)and your whole shot goes all over your arm(or wherever else you hit)and it is gone!!!
The thing is though, if you want someone to get something for you, the first thing you do is offer to drive them, or just try to call in a favor(maybe remind them how many times you have helped them and hope they are already planning on going). Anything to try to get them to get it for you without charging. I've seen this go on a countless number of times. Everyone wants people to pay for them, but no one wants to pay for someone else.
Keeping your drug dealer exclusive is the last of these big "Junky Traits". No one wants anyone else to know their drug dealer. The more dealers you have and the less other people have, means more people coming to you to get their fix. On the flip side, when you are driving people around and they are copping for you, you try to get their dealers numbers as soon as possible. That way you don't have to rely on them every time you want to get high.
The most important aspect with dealers is product quantity and quality. It is very rare that you find a dealer that is consistent. They are always either running out, or their product just goes up and down. That is why you want many dealers, so you can keep switching. Everyone within your "Junky Horde" calls everyone else to see who has the best stuff and whose stuff has fallen. The worst part about dealers is "Dealer Time"!!! For some reason, every dealer is on a slower schedule than everyone else. If they say that they will be there in 20 minutes, they really mean they will be there in at least 40 minutes!!! Whatever they say, you have to double it. I would say that 3/4 of a Junkies life is spent waiting on dealers. The other 1/4 is spent either getting high or figuring out how to get high.
So, that concludes Junky 101. I hope that you have enjoyed this look into what it means to be a junky!!! I know most people have no clue what it means to have this life and this torment everyday for the rest of your life. I really hope no ever thinks of trying Heroin. The movies glamorize it and make it look like every other drug, but it is far from anything else. Heroin isn't a drug, it is a WAY OF LIFE!!!! It stays with you, no matter how much time you put between your last high. The success rate for Heroin addicts is the lowest of them all. If any of you ever watch that show INTERVENTION, pay attention to the Heroin Addicts. It is very rare that they actually make it more than 6 months clean. Most of them don't even make it through the treatment!!!
The funniest(and saddest) part is, a Junky will tell themselves they aren't getting high that day and they actually believe it, at least for a while. They have every intention of staying clean, but will look for any excuse to throw that away. Either that or they will convince themselves that they will start getting clean tomorrow.
The tomorrow excuse will be the start of many more excuses. Starting with, "Oh, I just want one more really good high before I quit!" That is the biggest one I can think of. Then it all cascades down from there. If the Junky does actually get really high on what is suppose to be the "LAST TIME", they start thinking about how great that high was. This usually leads to thinking about going again...Mainly because they want to make sure they don't miss out on getting really high again. This brings me to the next excuse, "Well, I just messed up, so what is another day. I'll just make sure to stop tomorrow!" Now, the Junky knows deep down that they are lying to themselves. Unfortunately, when it comes to lying, the person a junky lies to the most is themselves.
Time is a funny thing when it comes to getting high. Say I got high early Saturday and then Sunday I only did a little bit. Well, to a Junky, Sunday doesn't count. On Monday, the Junky will say, "Hey, I'm doing good, I haven't been high in two days!" Even if it is Monday morning, it is two days. I mean most of Saturday, all day Sunday(because like I said it doesn't count) and Monday. You always include the day you got high and the day it is, as long as the day you got high was earlier in the day.
Here is another big one when it comes to Junky Logic. If you take someone downtown and cop for them, then they have to get you something. At least enough to get you high. Now, if you are already going down, they probably will get a pass. Though, if your already going down, you really don't involve other people, unless they have something to offer or just happen to be on the way. I mean, lets face it, adding someone else to the picture usually means picking them up and then dropping them back off. This can cut into your getting high time, and every junky knows the faster you get there and back, the quicker your getting high. I mean a lot of people will just pull over on the side of the street downtown and get high right there. Though after a couple close calls, most people will wait until they get home or somewhere safe to get high.It's either close calls or blown out veins and taking forever to hit. Either of these two things will make you wait until you are somewhere you can actually sit back and relax. Missing your shot is almost as bad as dropping it or having the needle pop off the of the rig(if any of you junkies have ever used a blue tip with removable needles, you most likely know what I am talking about)and your whole shot goes all over your arm(or wherever else you hit)and it is gone!!!
The thing is though, if you want someone to get something for you, the first thing you do is offer to drive them, or just try to call in a favor(maybe remind them how many times you have helped them and hope they are already planning on going). Anything to try to get them to get it for you without charging. I've seen this go on a countless number of times. Everyone wants people to pay for them, but no one wants to pay for someone else.
Keeping your drug dealer exclusive is the last of these big "Junky Traits". No one wants anyone else to know their drug dealer. The more dealers you have and the less other people have, means more people coming to you to get their fix. On the flip side, when you are driving people around and they are copping for you, you try to get their dealers numbers as soon as possible. That way you don't have to rely on them every time you want to get high.
The most important aspect with dealers is product quantity and quality. It is very rare that you find a dealer that is consistent. They are always either running out, or their product just goes up and down. That is why you want many dealers, so you can keep switching. Everyone within your "Junky Horde" calls everyone else to see who has the best stuff and whose stuff has fallen. The worst part about dealers is "Dealer Time"!!! For some reason, every dealer is on a slower schedule than everyone else. If they say that they will be there in 20 minutes, they really mean they will be there in at least 40 minutes!!! Whatever they say, you have to double it. I would say that 3/4 of a Junkies life is spent waiting on dealers. The other 1/4 is spent either getting high or figuring out how to get high.
So, that concludes Junky 101. I hope that you have enjoyed this look into what it means to be a junky!!! I know most people have no clue what it means to have this life and this torment everyday for the rest of your life. I really hope no ever thinks of trying Heroin. The movies glamorize it and make it look like every other drug, but it is far from anything else. Heroin isn't a drug, it is a WAY OF LIFE!!!! It stays with you, no matter how much time you put between your last high. The success rate for Heroin addicts is the lowest of them all. If any of you ever watch that show INTERVENTION, pay attention to the Heroin Addicts. It is very rare that they actually make it more than 6 months clean. Most of them don't even make it through the treatment!!!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Why Are You Gay
When I was younger, I really didn't understand why men were gay. I just couldn't comprehend how a man could be attracted to another man. In fact, I use to joke around that I felt sorry for women, just because men are so disgusting. Then I would add, if I was a women, I could see being gay, because women are so beautiful.
So for many years, I was very ignorant about the subject. I would laugh and put down gay people. Mainly just as a defense mechanism because I didn't understand what it meant to be gay. Also, it must have been ingrained in me that being gay was evil and that gay men would prey on anyone of the same sex. If I even thought someone was gay, I would stay far away or do everything I could to put this man down to prove that I wasn't gay.
Then one day, a couple of my close friends invited me to go hang out. I was horrified when I got there and realized that most of the people at this house were gay. I quickly put up my defenses and left. The whole ride home, I joked on all the people in the house and criticized my friends for putting me in that messed up situation. To be honest it was my first real encounter with gay people. I mean, growing up there were people that I expected might be gay, but like I said, I stayed far away from anyone that might be remotely gay.
So a few weeks passed and I had forgotten the whole incident. I was invited to go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I had loved going to ever since I was 16(I was around 20 at this point). In Virginia Beach, the movie is completely different than in Fairfax(where I used to go and watch the midnight movie). In Fairfax, everyone hung-out on the floor in front of the screen and just did whatever they pleased. Well, in Virginia Beach there were actors portraying each character that actually acted out each scene on a stage in front of the screen. Other people participated, but mostly from their own seats. It wasn't the free for all that Fairfax was.
So one of my best friends was offered a roll as Rocky. I couldn't wait to go. It had been a few years since I had gone, so I jumped at the chance to go. Well, when we got there I was in shock to find out that most of the cast were the same gay guys that were at the house. I tried to keep my composure, but all I could think of was "Is my friend Gay? Oh my God, what do I do now?" I was freaking out. All this time, I was afraid of gay people and it turns out that my friend is one of them....this just can't be!!! So I asked him what he was doing with all these gay people. He kind of laughed and told me to relax. Then he wanted to know what my problem was, hadn't I ever been around Gay people before. I boldly told him no and that I didn't ever planning on being around them either!!! I did slowly start going over to the "Gay House" as I called it, but I was never comfortable doing so.
A few months went by and one of the guys that started hanging around with us was a black guy that was really feminine. He was very open about being gay. It took me a while to get to the point that I could even talk to him, in fact one time we were in the kitchen and he was like "There is something in your hair...I would get it out, but I'm afraid you might hit me." I told him, yeah don't even think about touching me!! He just kinda laughed and asked me why a guy that is 6' 2' 185lbs is so scared of a guy that is barely 5' 7" 120lbs. I told him, I am not comfortable around gay people. I will say that, I was one to always say what I felt. I figured if I am going to say something about someone, I am going to say it to them first.
After hanging out a few times, I got comfortable enough around him to actually hold a conversation with him. I started asking him why he was gay. I wanted to know why he didn't just "try" to be with women. He told he had tried to be with women many times and it was just gross to him. Then he put it into a perspective for me that just clicked. He said "You know how you look at another man and are not attracted to them at all, well when I look at a women I feel the exact same way."
Over the years we became really good friends. I did actually find out that he liked me, but I will say he always respected the fact that I wasn't gay. Honestly, the only thing he ever did in the manner of hitting on me was, after I moved back to the beach while trying to kick heroin, he ask me if I had ever thought about letting other guys blow me for money. Which I said no, and that was it. I'll even go so far as to admit, I was kinda flattered when I learned that he had a little crush on me.
I had heard for a long time that homophobic people are that way because they are secretly GAY. So for the longest time, I questioned myself "Could I really be gay?" Then I realized, I never have cared what other people think about me or who or what I am. My looks and actions go against everything that is considered normal. If I was gay, I would be proud to be gay. It would just be another explanation into why I was always so different.
I was homophobic because it was something I didn't understand and wouldn't try to understand. I was never taught by my parents to be prejudice, they always taught me to respect and honor everyone, no matter who or what they were. I'm pretty sure my ignorance came from the people I hung out with when I was younger, we always joked on and about gay people, so I thought it was wrong and disgusting. Once I understand what being gay was about though, I was never homophobic again.
I realized that it is so unfair to try to change someone into something they were never meant to be. Not is it only unfair to them, but trying to force a person that is gay into a heterosexuality relationship is so unfair to the other person too. I mean how many times have you heard stories about people that were married and had kids, then years later one of them comes out and the family is left devastated? This isn't fair to anyone.
The way I see it, if someone is lucky enough to find some in this messed up world that they connect with, then they should hold on to them as long as they can. No one should be able to tell them they are wrong!!! Just like it isn't natural for a straight person to be expected to be gay. It isn't natural for someone gay to try to be straight. Being gay isn't a choice!!!! Gay people aren't trying to force straight people to be gay. SO STRAIGHT PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE TRYING TO FORCE GAY PEOPLE TO BE STRAIGHT!!!!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I Must Be Getting Old
It's funny to me that every generation has trouble understanding the generations after them. Growing up you always hear stories from people older than you about the struggles they had as a kid. Also, kids always have better toys than the kids older than them. I can't even count the number of times I have wished I was a kid again.
I've always made jokes about older people and their stories "Back in my day we had to walk to school...Up hill...BOTH WAYS...IN THREE FEET OF SNOW!!!" "You kids and that DAMN ROCK N' ROLL MUSIC." The funny thing is, now that I am getting older, I catch myself all the time saying and doing things that I'm sure kids today would look at me and say "Your too old to understand!" The worst part about it is, they are probably right!!
The thing I have the hardest time understanding now, is taping your video games. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about playing a video game. I'm talking about, if you go on Youtube or any other video site, you will see videos of people that have already played the game and are just taping it to re-watch it or show off or something. I really don't know why they do it. I mean can't they just play it over again?
Lately, I have gotten into making videos. This requires a lot of time watching tutorials on how to do different effects and how to edit different types of videos with all kinds of programs. Every time I try to watch a new tutorial, there are all these tutorials on adding effects to already shot video games. At first, I thought it was how to make video games, now that would have been pretty awesome, but its not. I just don't understand watching yourself play a certain game over and over. Wouldn't you just want to play that game instead, you know, to get better?
I mean, O.K. I will admit that I really never was a video game person. I have sat doing other things for hours on end while one of my friends sat there hour after hour just to try to complete one level, but at least they were playing the game. What enjoyment can someone have watching something that they should be playing? I am completely lost with this. The only reason I can think of to do this, would be to learn how to use different effects with different programs. The thing is, there are way too many of these video for them just to be learning tools.
I remember a while back, when I first saw one of these video game videos, but that was for World of Warcraft, and it was actually a funny video. One of the characters was dancing around and acting funny. That is completely understandable. I guess it has just evolved into people wanting to show off how good they have gotten at a certain game, which still doesn't make much sense. Unless they have conquered the game, that would actually make sense, but that is not the case.
So yes, I will admit it....I am GETTING OLD!!!! Back in my day we didn't have all these crazy kids, taping all of their weird games....Putting them up on the YOUTUBES!!!!!! Oh well, one day these kids will have something to complain about too. It just part of life...WE ALL GET OLD!!!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Potential
My whole life I've heard people say "If I only had your (blank) I would do this or I would be that." I know it is suppose to be a compliment. It's just after hearing this statement in so many different ways, for so many years I am starting to think I am just one big disappointment!! The other statement is "You have such potential, don't waste it!"
Let me start out with how I look. I'm 6'2" (and ugly as hell. In fact, I almost take pride in how ugly I really am, but I digress) and I can't count the number of times I had shorter people tell me that if they had my build, they would work out everyday and be huge. I don't know if this is their way of complimenting me on my size, or if they are just letting me know how lazy I really am. Then there is my hair, ever since I can remember I have had the curliest hair in the world. During my teenage years I tried to grow it long. The main problem is, it would only grow out, not down. I would jump into a pool and come out with beads of water on my hair(and I am not joking). Black people would tell me I had some nappy-ass hair. Yes, I had the ultra Afro!! With that being said, I still had women telling me they would pay a fortune to have hair as curly as mine. Now, they wouldn't go out with me, but they did want my hair. I guess it was their way of saying "hey your ugly, but I do like that curly hair." I guess it is just human instinct to try to find the best in people. Also, I realized it was always older women telling me this. They didn't have to worry about me asking them out. Believe me, I learned quick that when people are trying to point out your "good qualities," it really means you are ugly as hell and they are just trying to boost your confidence. Otherwise, they would be saying things like "Wow, I'll bet the lady's line up to get at you" or "I'll bet your fighting them off day and night." You know, for some strange reason, I have never heard those words....Well, unless I'm standing next to someone else. Which is what made me realize. The comments directed at me were mercy compliments.
Now the compliments that I did always get that were sincere were the ones about my talents. The only problem was, once again, I never seem to live up to my potential!! I don't think I could even try to count the number of times I heard "If I had your talent, I would be (blank)."
I think school was the worse, and don't get me wrong, I will be the first to admit I was completely to blame. I mean, I got really good grades, I just thought I knew everything and was too good for school. It was really boring for me, I never did homework, but always came up with a way to get around the system. If I put as much energy into actual doing my work, as I put into getting away with not working, I would have had a 4.0 GPA. The biggest complaint I got during school was, other kids need to learn, not everyone picks this stuff up as easy as you do. I even had one teacher that kicked me out for the last semester because I was such a "class clown." She told me to just come back in an take the final(thinking I would fail) and that would be my grade. She even called me the night before the test to remind me not to miss it. I took the test, and then stood there and watched her grade it. She had the biggest look of disappointment on her face when she had to write that 92 on my paper, but a deal is a deal. Now, when it came to English, I had the worst grammar and my spelling is horrible(thank God for spellcheck), but I can write stories and poetry all day long. So, if my grades started slipping a little bit, I would just ask them to look at my writings and tell me what they thought about them. A little extra credit never hurt. Especially writing things that you knew they were completely into(even if you weren't).
Even in my last year(which was 11th grade) they wouldn't let me drop out. I actually had to go out of my way to get kick out. Which took a lot of work, but those stories are pretty funny. I was a trouble maker, but I was never violent or completely disrespectful about it. Then again, my second to last act was pouring milk over a couple of kids in the hallway and when they busted me, I just put on a grin, paused a minute.....and said "I don't know why you all are crying over a little spilled milk." I must say, even the people in the office were trying not to laugh. It was wrong and let me just state, I was not a bully, it was just a spur of the minute thing that happened.
My final act was in Art class and it was a little bit raunchier, but no one got anything on them. Let me just insert here that I use to always joke with the kids in that class, because most of them were really "pure" people(if you know what I am saying). You could just tell that a few of them were very protected and wholesome. So anyways, my friend took out a condom blew it up and let it go. So I grabbed it, went to the sink and filled it up with water. I turned around with it dangling in front of my crotch and yelled out "Anyone ever seen one of these" wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. My teacher was laughing, but grabbed me up and hauled me off to the Administrators office, I think she thought I actually pulled it out, but I wasn't going to correct her. That was it, I finally got what I wanted....I was out!!!
I know I have gone off topic like always, but let me just say, I paid for those mistakes. I got my G.E.D and my associates degree in Computer Tech. which took a lot of work, but I got like a 3.5 G.P.A. It would have been higher, but I got sick and made up a bunch of tests which I could only get a "Passing" grade on and it brought my G.P.A. way down, I should have just dropped the classes and started over!!
I guess the whole point of this blog is me trying to figure out if I should have realize a long time ago that all these people telling me I need to live up to my potential is their way of telling me I am just a lazy piece of shit. I guess they don't realize that with all this potential there is a downside. I mean look at most of the great writers and philosophers, most of them were really messed up. There is a fine line between greatness and insanity. Maybe one day I will know which category I fall into. To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way!!!
Let me start out with how I look. I'm 6'2" (and ugly as hell. In fact, I almost take pride in how ugly I really am, but I digress) and I can't count the number of times I had shorter people tell me that if they had my build, they would work out everyday and be huge. I don't know if this is their way of complimenting me on my size, or if they are just letting me know how lazy I really am. Then there is my hair, ever since I can remember I have had the curliest hair in the world. During my teenage years I tried to grow it long. The main problem is, it would only grow out, not down. I would jump into a pool and come out with beads of water on my hair(and I am not joking). Black people would tell me I had some nappy-ass hair. Yes, I had the ultra Afro!! With that being said, I still had women telling me they would pay a fortune to have hair as curly as mine. Now, they wouldn't go out with me, but they did want my hair. I guess it was their way of saying "hey your ugly, but I do like that curly hair." I guess it is just human instinct to try to find the best in people. Also, I realized it was always older women telling me this. They didn't have to worry about me asking them out. Believe me, I learned quick that when people are trying to point out your "good qualities," it really means you are ugly as hell and they are just trying to boost your confidence. Otherwise, they would be saying things like "Wow, I'll bet the lady's line up to get at you" or "I'll bet your fighting them off day and night." You know, for some strange reason, I have never heard those words....Well, unless I'm standing next to someone else. Which is what made me realize. The comments directed at me were mercy compliments.
Now the compliments that I did always get that were sincere were the ones about my talents. The only problem was, once again, I never seem to live up to my potential!! I don't think I could even try to count the number of times I heard "If I had your talent, I would be (blank)."
I think school was the worse, and don't get me wrong, I will be the first to admit I was completely to blame. I mean, I got really good grades, I just thought I knew everything and was too good for school. It was really boring for me, I never did homework, but always came up with a way to get around the system. If I put as much energy into actual doing my work, as I put into getting away with not working, I would have had a 4.0 GPA. The biggest complaint I got during school was, other kids need to learn, not everyone picks this stuff up as easy as you do. I even had one teacher that kicked me out for the last semester because I was such a "class clown." She told me to just come back in an take the final(thinking I would fail) and that would be my grade. She even called me the night before the test to remind me not to miss it. I took the test, and then stood there and watched her grade it. She had the biggest look of disappointment on her face when she had to write that 92 on my paper, but a deal is a deal. Now, when it came to English, I had the worst grammar and my spelling is horrible(thank God for spellcheck), but I can write stories and poetry all day long. So, if my grades started slipping a little bit, I would just ask them to look at my writings and tell me what they thought about them. A little extra credit never hurt. Especially writing things that you knew they were completely into(even if you weren't).
Even in my last year(which was 11th grade) they wouldn't let me drop out. I actually had to go out of my way to get kick out. Which took a lot of work, but those stories are pretty funny. I was a trouble maker, but I was never violent or completely disrespectful about it. Then again, my second to last act was pouring milk over a couple of kids in the hallway and when they busted me, I just put on a grin, paused a minute.....and said "I don't know why you all are crying over a little spilled milk." I must say, even the people in the office were trying not to laugh. It was wrong and let me just state, I was not a bully, it was just a spur of the minute thing that happened.
My final act was in Art class and it was a little bit raunchier, but no one got anything on them. Let me just insert here that I use to always joke with the kids in that class, because most of them were really "pure" people(if you know what I am saying). You could just tell that a few of them were very protected and wholesome. So anyways, my friend took out a condom blew it up and let it go. So I grabbed it, went to the sink and filled it up with water. I turned around with it dangling in front of my crotch and yelled out "Anyone ever seen one of these" wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. My teacher was laughing, but grabbed me up and hauled me off to the Administrators office, I think she thought I actually pulled it out, but I wasn't going to correct her. That was it, I finally got what I wanted....I was out!!!
I know I have gone off topic like always, but let me just say, I paid for those mistakes. I got my G.E.D and my associates degree in Computer Tech. which took a lot of work, but I got like a 3.5 G.P.A. It would have been higher, but I got sick and made up a bunch of tests which I could only get a "Passing" grade on and it brought my G.P.A. way down, I should have just dropped the classes and started over!!
I guess the whole point of this blog is me trying to figure out if I should have realize a long time ago that all these people telling me I need to live up to my potential is their way of telling me I am just a lazy piece of shit. I guess they don't realize that with all this potential there is a downside. I mean look at most of the great writers and philosophers, most of them were really messed up. There is a fine line between greatness and insanity. Maybe one day I will know which category I fall into. To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way!!!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Lost Thoughts
Well here I am, I feel like writing, but have nothing to write about!!! I was going to write about going back in time to tell yourself what to fix about your life and what you would do differently. The only problem is, I kinda feel like I have already written about this, but I went back an told myself not to do it….. Soooooo, it should be fine….(Bad Joke).
I am in a very weird mood tonight, so even though I will try to make this about changing the past(I think the fact that most of this subject is based on wish’s and people(in movies) going back to change their past, is the reason I thought I have already written this). I reserve the right to ramble on about anything. So here we go.
A lot of people are under the impression that if they were to go back an warn themselves about something big they regret doing, everything would change for the better and life would then be perfect from there on out. My biggest problem with this is two things.
First off, even though it does happen rarely, no one thing is going to change everything in your life. Let say though, for argument sake, that you are one of the lucky ones, you change that one regret and get everything you ever wanted. What happens now? Everything good that has happened stays and everything bad goes? Well, I hate to tell you this, but it doesn’t work that way. That is one thing people don’t think about. If you change the bad, the good goes too. Everything changes, are you willing to give up everything? Also, if you get everything you ever wanted, will you all the sudden be happy? Look at Kurt Cobain, he got everything he always wanted and ended up blowing his brains out!!!
Second, even if you did manage to change one big mistake, who is to say your life would get better? I mean one of the best ways to learn, is from mistakes. So let’s be logical for a minute, your one big regret is gone. Don’t you think your next mistake might be even bigger? Let’s say your biggest regret was messing up the love of your life. You go back and fix your “big mistake.” Now you get married, maybe have a kid and life seems great. Next thing you know (lets talk movie terms) the whole system is outta balance. So fate steps in and kills your wife and kid, because they were never suppose to exist. So now, not only have you lost your love again, but her family has lost a child and so have you(sounds like a movie, doesn’t it?). Think about it, bad things happen for a reason. The reasons are always clear, but good things do come from tragedy.
I always wonder what it takes to be truly happy. I am such a skeptical person, that when I see people that seem to always be happy, I think that they are faking it. I mean looking happy and being happy are two completely different things. The funny thing is, that there are people that are content with their lives. This doesn’t mean that they are always happy, or that these people don’t ever have problems. It just means that these people have a different outlook on life. They strive to make each day better than the one before, and to them, adversity is just another challenge to conquer with a positive attitude. Which is what I think is the key to everything.
Don’t get me wrong, I can be positive. I positively know I hate everything…See!!! I positively know that being miserable is just part of my everyday life. I guess a positive attitude is one thing I was born without. People have told me, it the choices I make and the outlook I have, but I have tried other ways.
I’ve tried “acting” happy, but that is all it is… ACTING!!! I’ve even convinced the people I was with that their great insights were working. It’s always funny to me, because they start thinking they achieved some great miracle, “See, I knew you could be happy, all you had to do was open up and try!!!” At the same time, I’m thinking “Give me a gun, so I can put a bullet in your skull!!!” Then I would really be HAPPY!!!
I am in a very weird mood tonight, so even though I will try to make this about changing the past(I think the fact that most of this subject is based on wish’s and people(in movies) going back to change their past, is the reason I thought I have already written this). I reserve the right to ramble on about anything. So here we go.
A lot of people are under the impression that if they were to go back an warn themselves about something big they regret doing, everything would change for the better and life would then be perfect from there on out. My biggest problem with this is two things.
First off, even though it does happen rarely, no one thing is going to change everything in your life. Let say though, for argument sake, that you are one of the lucky ones, you change that one regret and get everything you ever wanted. What happens now? Everything good that has happened stays and everything bad goes? Well, I hate to tell you this, but it doesn’t work that way. That is one thing people don’t think about. If you change the bad, the good goes too. Everything changes, are you willing to give up everything? Also, if you get everything you ever wanted, will you all the sudden be happy? Look at Kurt Cobain, he got everything he always wanted and ended up blowing his brains out!!!
Second, even if you did manage to change one big mistake, who is to say your life would get better? I mean one of the best ways to learn, is from mistakes. So let’s be logical for a minute, your one big regret is gone. Don’t you think your next mistake might be even bigger? Let’s say your biggest regret was messing up the love of your life. You go back and fix your “big mistake.” Now you get married, maybe have a kid and life seems great. Next thing you know (lets talk movie terms) the whole system is outta balance. So fate steps in and kills your wife and kid, because they were never suppose to exist. So now, not only have you lost your love again, but her family has lost a child and so have you(sounds like a movie, doesn’t it?). Think about it, bad things happen for a reason. The reasons are always clear, but good things do come from tragedy.
I always wonder what it takes to be truly happy. I am such a skeptical person, that when I see people that seem to always be happy, I think that they are faking it. I mean looking happy and being happy are two completely different things. The funny thing is, that there are people that are content with their lives. This doesn’t mean that they are always happy, or that these people don’t ever have problems. It just means that these people have a different outlook on life. They strive to make each day better than the one before, and to them, adversity is just another challenge to conquer with a positive attitude. Which is what I think is the key to everything.
Don’t get me wrong, I can be positive. I positively know I hate everything…See!!! I positively know that being miserable is just part of my everyday life. I guess a positive attitude is one thing I was born without. People have told me, it the choices I make and the outlook I have, but I have tried other ways.
I’ve tried “acting” happy, but that is all it is… ACTING!!! I’ve even convinced the people I was with that their great insights were working. It’s always funny to me, because they start thinking they achieved some great miracle, “See, I knew you could be happy, all you had to do was open up and try!!!” At the same time, I’m thinking “Give me a gun, so I can put a bullet in your skull!!!” Then I would really be HAPPY!!!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
It's a Child, Not a Choice
Well, before I start this blog, let me just say that this is my opinion, I know this is a very touchy subject. This is how I feel about abortion and people are definitely going to disagree with me, which is only expected. Everyone is entitled to what they believe, if everyone agreed on everything, life would be very boring!!! O.K., with that being said, lets get into the controversy.
I saw this bumper sticker this morning, it read "It's a Child, Not a Choice." So I started to think to myself...and I came to this conclusion. Yes, it is a child, and that is why abortion SHOULD BE LEGAL!! I know, right now anyone who supports pro-life is about to jump up and condemn me, but like I said before....THIS IS HOW I FEEL. It is only my opinion.
First off, lets think about it, there are so many unwanted children out there, is it really fair to give birth to someone an have them grow up knowing they were unwanted? So you say, well what about adoption? I agree, there are a lot of people out there that want children, that can't have them. So yes, adoption is a great way for people and unwanted children to help each other out. The main issue is, there are so many unwanted children that once they reach a certain age, they are completely overlooked for children that are younger. Which leaves a lot of kids bouncing from home to home with no stable background.
Then there are these families that already have children, but think they are doing the right thing by adopting more children. It is a great gesture and they swear up and down that they treat the adopted kids exactly the same as their own, but no matter how good their intentions are, it has got to be awkward for everyone. Of coarse, if the kid is very young and only knows the life they are introduced into, then yes, it could work, but not always. I just keep thinking about the older kids, kids that have been in an out of different foster homes their whole lives and really have no way to know what is really expected of them. Are they really suppose to just move in to someones house and fit right in?
Then there is the bad side of adoption. People that could care less about the kids. They know, if they take these kids in, they will get paid.They do the bare minimum and use most of the money for themselves. I mean, yes it is helpful, but do these kids really benefit when the person doesn't really care about them? Then you have the worse of the worst, the pedophiles and sicko's that prey on kids. I mean, it sucks, but there is always a down side to everything. They make the people who are really trying to do good look bad.
Now, lets look at it from the pregnant girls point of view. Let say abortion is Illegal. There is this girl that makes all the wrong decisions, she gets wasted everyday, and does every drug imaginable. One night she is all wasted and gets pregnant. Well, abortion is Illegal, do you think this is going to stop her from getting wasted? No way, in fact, she will probably get more messed up just from the guilt alone. Is this going to give that baby a better quality if life? Even if she does put it up for adoption, the baby will be born addicted to all kinds of drugs and will have so many different defects that the chances of being adopted are almost none.
Next scenario, a girl is walking home from work or school one night and is horribly raped. She finds out 3 months later that she is pregnant, but abortion is illegal. So now she has to suffer for 6 more months, being reminded everyday of this tragic event that destroyed her life. The kid is given up for adoption, but lives their whole life wondering why the person that gave birth to them, didn't love them enough to keep them. So they go looking for their birth mother, just to find out that not only was their mother a victim, but their father was a rapist.
People make bad decisions, and abortion is a horrific choice to live with, but making it Illegal, doesn't make the quality of life any better for anyone. For the most part it just makes life harder for the girl that is pregnant. There are stories of girls doing unheard of things to try to get rid of the baby. Going to doctors that aren't qualified, and sometimes aren't even doctors!! There have been girls that have died from this. So now not only is the baby dead,but so is the girl that got pregnant!!!
So, no matter what the choice, it is never an easy one. Taking away a women's right to choose only endangers the women's life. People think that having the baby is always the right choice, but forcing someone to give birth to a baby that is unwanted is only setting that kid up for a horrible life. I mean with the way the world is today, being brought up with everything in your favor is still a long and hard road. Every kid is a blessing, but being unwanted is a curse.
I saw this bumper sticker this morning, it read "It's a Child, Not a Choice." So I started to think to myself...and I came to this conclusion. Yes, it is a child, and that is why abortion SHOULD BE LEGAL!! I know, right now anyone who supports pro-life is about to jump up and condemn me, but like I said before....THIS IS HOW I FEEL. It is only my opinion.
First off, lets think about it, there are so many unwanted children out there, is it really fair to give birth to someone an have them grow up knowing they were unwanted? So you say, well what about adoption? I agree, there are a lot of people out there that want children, that can't have them. So yes, adoption is a great way for people and unwanted children to help each other out. The main issue is, there are so many unwanted children that once they reach a certain age, they are completely overlooked for children that are younger. Which leaves a lot of kids bouncing from home to home with no stable background.
Then there are these families that already have children, but think they are doing the right thing by adopting more children. It is a great gesture and they swear up and down that they treat the adopted kids exactly the same as their own, but no matter how good their intentions are, it has got to be awkward for everyone. Of coarse, if the kid is very young and only knows the life they are introduced into, then yes, it could work, but not always. I just keep thinking about the older kids, kids that have been in an out of different foster homes their whole lives and really have no way to know what is really expected of them. Are they really suppose to just move in to someones house and fit right in?
Then there is the bad side of adoption. People that could care less about the kids. They know, if they take these kids in, they will get paid.They do the bare minimum and use most of the money for themselves. I mean, yes it is helpful, but do these kids really benefit when the person doesn't really care about them? Then you have the worse of the worst, the pedophiles and sicko's that prey on kids. I mean, it sucks, but there is always a down side to everything. They make the people who are really trying to do good look bad.
Now, lets look at it from the pregnant girls point of view. Let say abortion is Illegal. There is this girl that makes all the wrong decisions, she gets wasted everyday, and does every drug imaginable. One night she is all wasted and gets pregnant. Well, abortion is Illegal, do you think this is going to stop her from getting wasted? No way, in fact, she will probably get more messed up just from the guilt alone. Is this going to give that baby a better quality if life? Even if she does put it up for adoption, the baby will be born addicted to all kinds of drugs and will have so many different defects that the chances of being adopted are almost none.
Next scenario, a girl is walking home from work or school one night and is horribly raped. She finds out 3 months later that she is pregnant, but abortion is illegal. So now she has to suffer for 6 more months, being reminded everyday of this tragic event that destroyed her life. The kid is given up for adoption, but lives their whole life wondering why the person that gave birth to them, didn't love them enough to keep them. So they go looking for their birth mother, just to find out that not only was their mother a victim, but their father was a rapist.
People make bad decisions, and abortion is a horrific choice to live with, but making it Illegal, doesn't make the quality of life any better for anyone. For the most part it just makes life harder for the girl that is pregnant. There are stories of girls doing unheard of things to try to get rid of the baby. Going to doctors that aren't qualified, and sometimes aren't even doctors!! There have been girls that have died from this. So now not only is the baby dead,but so is the girl that got pregnant!!!
So, no matter what the choice, it is never an easy one. Taking away a women's right to choose only endangers the women's life. People think that having the baby is always the right choice, but forcing someone to give birth to a baby that is unwanted is only setting that kid up for a horrible life. I mean with the way the world is today, being brought up with everything in your favor is still a long and hard road. Every kid is a blessing, but being unwanted is a curse.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Just Relax
Many times I have tried to explain insomnia to people that don't suffer from it. The answer I seem to get the most is "Just Relax." This statement drives me crazy!!! Just relax?!?!? Damn, why didn't I ever think of that?!?! Holy shit, all these years of going days on end without sleep and your telling me all I had to do was just relax. Oh, my god you are my savior.
The next person that tries to tell me to just relax, I would love to spike their drink with Crystal Meth and be like "Oh, JUST RELAX!!!" What's wrong? Your mind won't stop racing and your eyes won't shut?!?! Well, now you know how I feel, and that is without any drugs!!
I've swear, I have tried everything, sometimes sleeping pills and other drugs won't even work. Not to mention, I have had enough problems with addiction, there is no way I plan on getting myself hooked on something else!!. Furthermore, the times that I have taken sleeping pills and had them work, the whole next day, I am in a complete haze. I swear that is worse than not sleeping at all.
I don't really mind the first day of no sleep, I am completely use to that. It is the second and third day that start to get to me. Insomnia is definitely like a drug by itself. Sometimes, if I am in the mood, I actually try to enjoy it. Sounds funny, I know. Here I am complaining about insomnia and then turn around and tell you I enjoy it! What can I say? I am just trying to be honest with you. Doesn't mean I will always be rational. In fact, I can assure you, the more you read, the more messed up I will probably sound. Then again, I can't be the only one....CAN I?!?!?! AHAHAHA
I know some of you are thinking that my insomnia is induced by drugs, but it is the complete opposite. The truth is, one of the main reasons I fell in love with heroin so much was because heroin cured my insomnia and let me be "normal" for once in my life. Well, as close to normal as I can be!!!
When I was young I did do a lot of different drugs, I even drank back then(which, if you have read any of my other posts, you'll probably know that I absolutely despise alcohol, but that is a whole different topic). I tried just about everything to escape the pain and misery, and I'm not only talking about insomnia. I have a lot of other problems, both physical and mental, insomnia is just one of them. After I discovered heroin, I pretty much quit everything else because I didn't need any of it!!!! Heroin seemed to be the answer to everything, too bad it is illegal and very expensive, or I would probably still be living a "NORMAL" life today!!!
Methadone has also helped me to sleep. I sleep really good on methadone. The biggest problem though with methadone is, too much sleep!!! On methadone I can sleep 12 to 16 hrs a day, NO PROBLEM!! It makes you a zombie!!! If you think I am exaggerating, then go hang out for a day at a methadone clinic. It is crazy to see the effects of methadone.
Hanging out in the methadone clinic, you'll see the young kids, they are a little off, but haven't really been on methadone long enough to see the "Change". Then there are the people that have been on it a little longer. They can still function, but you can start to notice the difference. Their speech is a little slower and so is the way they walk. Also, they might have a limp or something else wrong with their body.The biggest give away is the fact that they might only be 30 or 40, but look like they are 50 or 60!!! Then there are the people that have been on methadone for years....These people have given up all hope of a regular life. Their speech is completely off and they walk really slow. They literally walk and talk like a zombie!!!
The worst part is, I am on the same path. I have been on methadone for 5yrs now, with no end in sight!!! I have tried time after time to quit, but just can't seem to make it.
So in my quest for a normal life, once again I have shown that it is always just out of reach for me. I can either sleep my life away and have nothing, or I can stay up for days and go completely mental.
The next person that tries to tell me to just relax, I would love to spike their drink with Crystal Meth and be like "Oh, JUST RELAX!!!" What's wrong? Your mind won't stop racing and your eyes won't shut?!?! Well, now you know how I feel, and that is without any drugs!!
I've swear, I have tried everything, sometimes sleeping pills and other drugs won't even work. Not to mention, I have had enough problems with addiction, there is no way I plan on getting myself hooked on something else!!. Furthermore, the times that I have taken sleeping pills and had them work, the whole next day, I am in a complete haze. I swear that is worse than not sleeping at all.
I don't really mind the first day of no sleep, I am completely use to that. It is the second and third day that start to get to me. Insomnia is definitely like a drug by itself. Sometimes, if I am in the mood, I actually try to enjoy it. Sounds funny, I know. Here I am complaining about insomnia and then turn around and tell you I enjoy it! What can I say? I am just trying to be honest with you. Doesn't mean I will always be rational. In fact, I can assure you, the more you read, the more messed up I will probably sound. Then again, I can't be the only one....CAN I?!?!?! AHAHAHA
I know some of you are thinking that my insomnia is induced by drugs, but it is the complete opposite. The truth is, one of the main reasons I fell in love with heroin so much was because heroin cured my insomnia and let me be "normal" for once in my life. Well, as close to normal as I can be!!!
When I was young I did do a lot of different drugs, I even drank back then(which, if you have read any of my other posts, you'll probably know that I absolutely despise alcohol, but that is a whole different topic). I tried just about everything to escape the pain and misery, and I'm not only talking about insomnia. I have a lot of other problems, both physical and mental, insomnia is just one of them. After I discovered heroin, I pretty much quit everything else because I didn't need any of it!!!! Heroin seemed to be the answer to everything, too bad it is illegal and very expensive, or I would probably still be living a "NORMAL" life today!!!
Methadone has also helped me to sleep. I sleep really good on methadone. The biggest problem though with methadone is, too much sleep!!! On methadone I can sleep 12 to 16 hrs a day, NO PROBLEM!! It makes you a zombie!!! If you think I am exaggerating, then go hang out for a day at a methadone clinic. It is crazy to see the effects of methadone.
Hanging out in the methadone clinic, you'll see the young kids, they are a little off, but haven't really been on methadone long enough to see the "Change". Then there are the people that have been on it a little longer. They can still function, but you can start to notice the difference. Their speech is a little slower and so is the way they walk. Also, they might have a limp or something else wrong with their body.The biggest give away is the fact that they might only be 30 or 40, but look like they are 50 or 60!!! Then there are the people that have been on methadone for years....These people have given up all hope of a regular life. Their speech is completely off and they walk really slow. They literally walk and talk like a zombie!!!
The worst part is, I am on the same path. I have been on methadone for 5yrs now, with no end in sight!!! I have tried time after time to quit, but just can't seem to make it.
So in my quest for a normal life, once again I have shown that it is always just out of reach for me. I can either sleep my life away and have nothing, or I can stay up for days and go completely mental.
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