The Day that Changed MY Life

       How could I have known? The day seemed like every other day. Was it fate? Was his death predetermined? Why was I the one he called? What could I have done different? Even the detective told me, that there was nothing anyone could have done!! He was too far gone. Day after Day, Year after year, I still wonder, is there any way that his fate could have changed? My only comfort is knowing that I was the last one to spend time with him. Also, I know, if I didn't drive him, he would have found a way down there, and who knows what would have happened. I know he wasn't trying to kill himself. We had always done so many drugs, that we all felt invincible!!  Not to mention, it wasn't the first time he had Overdosed unfortunately, this time, there was no coming back. Not even the paramedics could revive him!! The worst part is, I had no idea(until after the funeral) all the different drugs he had already done.
        It was a nice summer day. I had already gone downtown once that day. At this point in my life, I had a pretty good habit. In fact, I had only been on Heroin about a year, maybe not even that long. I had a steady job, because one thing I can say is, whenever I was strung-out, I worked extra hard, because I knew I was a horrible criminal. So I had to make enough money to support my habit, or be sick. Luckily I had a boss that understood addiction, because he had his own struggles, but with a different drug.
       So anyways, this was the mid 90's. The days before everyone had a cell phone, beepers were the way to reach your dealers and for some reason, that day I was shorted 2 bags. I must of had to go to someone different, because there is no way my regular dealers would have ripped me off.I was a very good and reliable customer, and the quickest way to lose customers, is to rip them off. Well, you can imagine, I wasn't too happy about that.
        I had been home about an hour and the phone rings, it's Darrell asking me to take him downtown. He didn't want dope though, he wanted Xanax. Darrell, at one time did have a dope habit and every once in a while, he did dabbled with it. At this point in time though, he was more into drinking and pills. At first, I said no. I told him that I had already been and that it wasn't worth going. That is when he offered to buy me 2 bags. Well, after being ripped off earlier, how could I refuse. Back in those days, I was one of the few Junkies with a vehicle, so I made a lot of my dope driving people around. I had the wheels and I had the connections.
        I guess at this point in time, I should maybe take a little time to express how much Darrell really meant to me. I mean, if you read this story just thinking that Darrell was another good friend, it won't really mean as much. To start out, I gave up everything that was my life after Darrell died. I stopped playing music, writing and drawing. Before he died, those were my only reasons for living and after his death, they lost all meaning. It took 15 years to get it all back!!
        Darrell was the one person I could ALWAYS turn to when I was down. He understood me, he wouldn't even have to say anything, and things just seem to get better. Anyone lucky enough to have a friend like that, knows exactly what I mean!!! A friend like that only comes around once in a lifetime, and no matter how long you are apart, that bond is always there. You can have a handful of friends that are like brothers, but there is only one, maybe two, if you are really lucky that you will feel that bond with. Every band I ever had, Darrell was in. He taught me so much, not only about music, but about life in general. 
        Darrell was such a giving soul, his generosity was incredible!! I have never known anyone like that, if he had something and knew you were in need, he wouldn't even hesitate to help anyone out. Even if he didn't know you. The first time I met him, I was just hanging out by myself and he walked up and gave me this necklace with a skull on it. He definitely meant the world to me. Sometime I wonder if that was the reason I was the last person with him.
        So back to the worst day of my life!!! After Darrell offered me the 2 bags, I agreed to take him downtown. Of coarse, he had his bottle with him, some cheap wine, most likely Wild Irish Rose. Darrell practically lived on that stuff. Unfortunately, when we got down there, no one was out. New York Ave. was the only place Darrell or I knew where they sold pills. I wasn't really into pills, the only time I ever took pills was when I was trying to kick Heroin. I had driven Darrell there many times on the way to get my dope. Every once in a while, you could even find dope there too. It was right next to the D.C. Methadone clinic. We checked everywhere we could down there, we even went into the McDonald where people sometimes hung out, just to see if anyone even knew where to get some pills. There was nothing, anywhere!! So, after waiting around for a while, Darrell was like screw it, he decided to just get a couple of bags of dope with me.
        Well, by this time, my regular guys were out. So Darrell and I went up and got 2 bags each. I warned Darrell to be very careful, because this dope was really good. He didn't even shoot it. On the way home, he snorted his bags. I didn't even realize he did both of them!!! If I had known that was what he was going to do, I would have tried to do something to stop him. What I could of done, I don't know, because stopping a drug addict from taking drugs is almost impossible. I know some people reading this might think Darrell was trying to kill himself, but I assure you, Darrell love doing everything to the fullest. I've never seen anyone consume drugs like we did back then, not just Darrell and me, but almost everyone in our circle. It was just the way we did it back then.
        As we proceed home, Darrell starts to show the signs of overdosing. He assured me he was alright, over and over again. In my head, I kept thinking about what I could do. I knew we had about 15 minutes, since he snorted it. I probably made 100 mistakes that day, but honestly, even the detective says I did the right thing. My mind was racing, what can I do? How do I save him by myself and avoid being arrested. Do I try for a hospital, do I try to get ice(which had worked in the past, unfortunately, in the past, ice worked because he wasn't already on a bunch of other stuff). Unfortunately, I wasn't anywhere near either.
     As we pull into Darrell's neighborhood, I notice he is rolling back and forth(which ever way the truck turned, he would roll), I quickly stopped the car and ran over to his side of the truck. When I opened the door, Darrell fell out and landed in the grass, on the side of the truck. At first, I tried picking him up, but it just wasn't working. I set him up, in a safe place, jumped into the truck and drove to the quickest payphone. It was right across the street at the local Metro stop(not even a 1/4 mile away).
     The detective told me that the ambulance was there within 3 minutes. He assured me I did the right thing, that if I tried driving Darrell to the hospital it would of taken 15 minutes and most likely he would of been dead on arrival. My biggest mistake after this was not going back immediately, but I had 2 bags of dope on me and was scared. I did drop my stuff off at home and then went back with my mom. There was no sign of Darrell or any Ambulance or anything. For some reason, I tried to convince myself that he was alright and went back home.
     My biggest regret of that day came next. Darrell use to always carry a Camp 30 I.D. that he loved to show off. It was the one picture that he had that his head was shaved, he said it made him look like Charles Manson(which of coarse was a joke). Darrell always had long flowing hair. So this I.D., I guess was funny to  him. Unfortunately, this day he wasn't carrying it. I didn't remember to tell the person on the 911 call his name, so no one could identify him. 
     The  next day, the call came. Darrell was dead. He had been on life support for 24 hours until they finally Identified him. I was crushed, my whole world ended. I would never be the same. 
     That day, I was the last in line of a bunch of people that he went to. At the funeral, three other people came to me saying that they had just sold him a large amount of various pills. Each of us blaming ourselves for what had happened. Even after learning all that, I know in my heart it was an accident. He was trying to get pills and ended up getting really good heroin. It was just too much for him.
      He was a lost soul. One of the best people I knew. I still miss him everyday. Our music and our lives had endless potential!!! Unfortunately, that day, both of our lives were changed for ever. I tried playing music for years, but it was just too overwhelming!! Every band I had, he was in. I still have never met anyone that I could just sit and write music with. It has been well over 15yrs. and I have finally gotten back into my music and writing. Although, most of the stuff I publish is the stuff we did. I hope everyone that knows me, knows how much I truly loved him.
  R.I.P.  Darrell Karlinksy

Unlock the Rage

I always try to help out, whenever I can

It's just something you can't understand

I've tried to tell you, again and again

You live to destroy everything that has been

Chorus:

You just keep pushing me, it's complete misery

Why can't you see what your doing to me

You unlock the rage, just another day

Your always trying to control what I do or I say

Anytime I'm happy, you take that away

Making me feel stupid with every word I say

I've never had someone as fucked up as you

It doesn't even matter what I say or I do

Always pushing buttons,life is a game

Trying to convince me that I'm not sane

Before I met you, everything was fine

One more day and I'm gonna lose my mind

So many people, why did I meet you

I can't believe the shit, you put me through

The hurt and the pain, the lies you portray

My life is getting worse with everyday

So just let me free, from all the agony

I beg and I plead, condemned to misery

Where can I find, what is left of my mind

Now is the time to leave your hatred behind

Crushed and Gone

My whole life I didn't care about tomorrow
20 years down and I've lost my way
All my memories consumed by sorrow
I fear that life has gone astray

It's hard to think about a future
If you're worried about making it through a day
Nobody really cares until it's over
And with time that will all just fade away

So many mistakes I keep on living
All of my dreams are crushed and gone
I find it hard to keep up the image
Everyday it gets harder just to carry on

So much potential, just follow your heart
Thrown into a world to be torn apart
No one can live on their hopes and their dreams
Reality has a way of stripping them clean

Do What I Can

Walking down the street one day
Thinking about shit &  I must say
I want to be better, live life for me
What the fuck am I suppose to be?

Yesterday's gone, that I can't change
I don't fucking care, I'm not the same
I live life for me & the things I love
Time to be myself and rise above

Chorus:
Darkness from light, day turns to night
Do what I can to live my life right
Mental, Insane, fucked in the brain
Do what I can to escape all the pain

Living this life, I search for a way
Keep it together & struggling each day
Try to stand tall, escape my past life
I refuse to give in without a fight

Tomorrow, what does the future hold?
Destiny & fate, I watch it all unfold
It's gonna be hard but I must survive
Fuck all this shit, fucking with my life!!! 

Hopes and Dreams

I've lived so many lives, love so many times
Been on top an fallen over and over again
I've seen the best and the worst
That the world has to offer
I've been told that good people prosper
While that bad people never win
But in the years I've lived and learned
Nobody escapes from sin

So much beauty to be experienced in life
Yet we only dwell on what brings us pain
Love is suppose to conquer all
And Life is what you make it
I've been told these things over and over
But I only believe what I see
Bad things happen for no reason
Some say that its destiny

I wasn't always such a pessimist, I had hopes and dreams
Till life kicked me in the face, and rage took hold of me
I didn't always have such negative thoughts, I really did believe
That if you tried and followed your heart anything could be achieved
Then one day I woke up and my life had passed me by
My hopes and dreams were shattered, my life had been denied
I no longer known what else to do,Nothing else to try
The only thing that's left for me, is to give in and die

Boredom

Creeping up on you, like a stalker in the dark
Time just slowly ticks away, tearing you apart
Lying there in a trance, look what you've become
Useless to the world your life has come undone

Boredom, staring at the walls
Nothing really seems to change
When did life become so lame?
Time goes by, but it stays the same

Mind and body numb to the world, you just sit and stare  
Nothing going on inside, the TV is your only friend
Time passes by, and the hours seem like days
What the fuck is going on, soon I'll be insane

Can't sleep, can't think, so sick of everything
Patience only goes so far, what' will the future bring?
Tick  tock, tick fucking tock, over and over again
Everyday repeats itself, this shit has got to end

The Sickness Inside

There is a sickness inside, I can no longer hide

Its taking over everything that I cherish in life

Hatred and pain, devoured by rage

Watching my world as its burning in flames

There is this sickness inside

Fueled by the pain,all the  loss and the lies

There is this sickness inside

Keeping the hatred alive, my only reason for life

There's no way to conceal the hatred I feel

There's no way to deal with emotions so real

So many chances, forgiveness, regrets

So much time wasted, fucked up people I've met

Forgotten, forsaken, left to fend for my self

Time to unleash the pain, and the agony
 I feel it's taking over everything that' I feel inside

There is this sickness inside

Fueled by the pain,all the  loss and the lies

There is this sickness inside

Keeping the hatred alive, my only reason for life

There's no way to conceal the hatred I feel

There's no way to deal with emotions so real

So many chances, forgiveness, regrets

So much time wasted, fucked up people I've met

Forgotten, forsaken, left to fend for my self

Time to unleash the pain, and the agony  I felt