What is Success?

    I must say this topic drives me crazy. In my messed up view, I only perceive success as money. The more money you have, the more successful you are. I don’t know if this has just been burned into my brain or if it really holds true.
       I mean look at all the rich people today that didn’t do a thing to deserve it. Does their money make them better people than me? Do they even care if they fail or succeed?
       I will admit that money and success usually do go hand in hand. A hard working person usually gets paid one way or another. Now there are a lot of people that go out and volunteer just to help others out. These people are also considered rich, but not monetarily rich, these people are rich at heart. They usually give everything of themselves and ask for nothing in return. Unfortunately, being rich at heart doesn’t pay the bills. Then there is a third kind of person, like my parents. They worked a really good paying 9 to 5 job, 40hrs a week for 25 + yrs, and also went out and volunteered their time all over the place. They had these great lives…That is until I came along and drained them of all their time and money.
        Then there are the people like me. I know a lot of people consider me a bum, and to be honest, most of the time I would agree. The truth of the matter is, I might be a bum, but I’m no where near lazy. My biggest problem is being social. If I am given (yes, given, I have no skills at getting jobs or women, which is why I have been single for longer than I can even remember), If I am given a job, I usually am the top worker quick. I have a hard time with failure and rejection, which stops me from going out and trying to get jobs, but once I have the job, people are usually impressed. I am very good at adapting to my environment and a very quick learner. Wow, this is starting to sound like a resume’. It is true though, and even though I am not working a “real” job, I am working non-stop on all kinds of creative stuff everyday, usually all day(and night).
        The worst part for me is, I see a lot of successful people, that don’t have half the talent I do, but they do have the drive and dedication to get out there and keep pushing forward. I know I need to stop complaining that I never get any breaks, cause honestly, I never get out there and try to get any breaks.
        A big part of me now is striving to get over my hang ups about being rich and famous. I use to always joke about people getting rich off of my stuff when I die, so maybe now I have to start taking that more seriously. I’m not talking suicidal or anything. I think I just need to start looking at success as what my work is and can be instead of what I want it to be. Instead of striving for money, I think it is time to strive for longevity. I want to die with people saying, he might have stumbled and had his problems, but some of his work is down right phenomenal!!!

A Junky's Dream

       Most people dream of life on a beautiful Island, with people waiting on them and every need met. Also, when asked if they had three wish's, most people ask for money or women or something they think will better their lives. Junky's think completely different.
       A junky only has one thing one their mind. Ask me what my heart desires and even if I am straight, I will say heroin. I could care less where I am or what I am doing. My second answer, is to have thick flowing veins, so I can make sure to be able to do all my Heroin.
      I have quit a million times and am currently sober, but give me free heroin and that status will quickly change. Every time I have quit, it was because of money, too high a habit or bad product. Even collapsed blown out veins and an arm that is totally ruined didn't give me the incentive to stop. This may be shocking to hear, and if you ask most junky's, they will deny that they want to keep using.
     Honestly though, a junky's life is a life of deception. It's not because we want to lie, it's because heroin has such a bad stigma attached to it, that we are forced to lie. I see it all the time, every junky, even me, is so programed to "act" like they want to quit, that is all they talk about. If you actually pay attention to an addict though, they talk so much about quitting, they actually believe it, but believing it and doing it are completely different. Junkies say over and over, I'm quitting, but they continue to get high day in and day out.
      Most of the times I quit, it was just so I could bring my habit down. I have actually been in rehab, telling the counselors "I don't plan on quitting, I just want to be able to afford getting high."
      The funny thing is, the counselors are so programed to get people through rehab, that they are just glad that you are there. They figure, if you are there long enough, they can reprogram you and you'll never do drugs again. I've actually seen this work, and believe me, if it is what you truly want, then I am completely supportive. People definitely get out of hand with drugs, and they will destroy their lives, mine included.
       The thing most people and counselors don't realize, or don't seem to understand, is that heroin isn't a drug, it is a life. Once you have been down that road, the road back is long and very painful. Relapsing is just part of the addiction. If you have had a habit and gotten clean, without relapse, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. I have never experience it, but it might exist.
       Every time I write one of these blogs, I feel I need to stress the fact that I am the biggest hypocrite you'll will ever meet. I've had people ask me to get them high and I absolutely refuse!!! There is no way I am putting their soul on my shoulders!!! If you have never done dope and are thinking about it, don't!!! It will be the biggest mistake you ever make.
       Well, once again, I have completely gotten off topic. My main point is, every time I watch a show or movie about wish's I think, I would wish for unlimited dope and nice veins. I know I should think, I wish for this habit to be gone, but that thought wouldn't even come into play and if it did, I would dismiss it quickly. I know it seems right to most rational people, but a junky is not rational.
       Basically, I want to be rich and famous, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, I want to be rich so I can afford more dope, not so I can have a nice life. Most junky's will tell you "If I was rich, I would leave this life and be happy," but that is a lie. The worst part is, it is a lie even the junky believes.
       If I had a million dollars today, I would be buying heroin as soon as the check cleared. Hell with my junky mind, I could probably get it before the check cleared!!!