The Father I Never Knew

         Let me just start off by saying that my father was the most honest, hard working person I ever knew. He always supported me 100%, right up until Jan. 5, 2001, the day he died. It wasn't until after that day though, that I learned what a truly remarkable man he was. I had heard a story or two over the years, but never from him. He kept his past and present life very secret. In fact, we had no idea that he was in the CIA, until after he died and was awarded a plague by the Government.We knew that he worked for the Government, but he always told us that he worked at the Bureau of Standards, as part of the Government that was responsible for making the paper that money was printed on.
         My father was a very quite man, he joked around a lot, but never really spoke much about his feelings, ideas or his life. It was just known that he was very intelligent and loved to work. I think the hardest time that I can remember was after his heart attack in 89'. He always wanted to be moving and working, but his quadruple bypass made it so, he had to pretty much stop everything. It was the first time I can remember seeing my dad show any emotions or negative thoughts. He just wanted to go out and work, even though he had been retired for years, he stayed active and had other jobs. Not to mention always working around the house, building and fixing everything. I do have to laugh though, it's not really funny, but my dad had a scar from his left foot, all the way up through his chest, where they took arteries and reconstructed his heart valves, and he would always go out in the yard in only a pair of shorts and a pair of shoes. He wasn't showing off, it was just the way he was. I came to learn that trauma was just part of my dad's life, starting at the age of 5, when his dad died(during the depression) and he had to go out and work to just make ends meet.
         I pretty much knew my dad was in WWII, but he never discussed it. After his death, we got a call from the military saying they were preparing his plot at Arlington, but my dad had no interest in the Military. Don't get me wrong, he supported this country with every part of his life, but when it came down to it, he did his time and never looked back. Other friends of his had died and had Military funerals and it was just known that he had no interest in pursing a Military burial. So we thanked the gentlemen for the offer, but he was buried in the plot that my parents had bought in Fairfax.
          A few months after his death we found his silver star, my mom knew about his bronze star, but it wasn't until we went to get them appraised that we found out he had a silver star too. The guy actually stated "Your husband wasn't just in the war..He was in HELL!!". I actually overheard one guy a long time ago trying to get my dad to open up about the war and when my dad told him what ship he was on, the guy replied "I thought that ship got destroyed" for which my dad replied, "I said I was on that ship, I didn't say I came back on it." To be honest, that is the only story I ever heard my dad talk about. I have since learn that he was almost captured in Guadalcanal after his ship was sunk and rescued by the Philippians. My father was in the Army, but went on 7-9 beach runs, it is a miracle he is still alive!! I've heard Navy guys say he was on more ships than they were.
          The last few years of his life where the hardest, I don't know if time was catching up with him, or if it was just all the surgeries he had been through, but he used to love war movies and near the end he would just break down while watching them. I just remember my mom begging him not to watch, but he always did.
           Another big part of my dad's life was music, in fact since I can remember, I have played just about every instrument, except horns. I just thought music was a part of growing up, I didn't understand that a lot of people don't know anything about it. To me, it was just like having a parent that speaks another language, naturally you learn that language as part of your upbringing. I learned that my dad was top of his class, one of 4 that is chosen to be privately trained.Even though he really only played bass, he was always the one to transcribe all the parts of the orchestra.
          Back in the 60's, living in the D.C. area, my dad played a lot of Black Clubs, many times he would be  the only white person in the club. He also worked in rescue at the time and during the riots after Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated, he stayed in D.C. (even though they were telling him he should leave so he doesn't get killed) and helped take care of the wounded, but I digress. I've heard a lot of funny stories about my dad playing gigs. One of my earliest memories is being in the club and having the band argue about what instrument I would play. So I showed them, I can play almost anything now.
          One story that has always stuck out, is a story about a Marine that use to come into this one club and raise hell. In fact he had been banned for 6 months, because the last time he was in there, he had tore the place up and hurt a few people. Well, my dad was playing the night the Marine was finally allowed to return and after the show, the Marine came up and put a penny at my dads feet. My dad quietly picked up the penny, walked back over to the Marine, set down the penny and said "I only know one animal that throws a scent" and then walked away. Everyone else in the place freaked out, one lady ran to my mom and asked her if she was with the bassist an explained everything, thinking that my dad was going to be in trouble, but the Marine did nothing.
        My dad got to the point where he said "If music isn't fun anymore or becomes a "Job", I'm gonna quit" and that's what he did. He would get calls for years, but he never really played again. It was probably one of the most heartbreaking things I can remember, because years later whenever someone would ask him to play he would try and then breakdown crying. I must say though, about a year before he died, I had a basement studio and me and him actually jammed. I was on drums and he was on bass. it is probably one of the happiest and saddest times I can remember. It took a while for him to get through breaking down, but after that we did play for a while.
        My dad wasn't a big man at all, but he was a powerhouse. I've heard about a time when he was hanging out with a couple firemen that were almost twice his size. They were joking around with him, asking him if he needed help carrying something or maybe it was somewhere along the lines of "you couldn't be a fireman, because you have to be able to carry someone out of a fire." With that my dad went over to the biggest guy, threw him over his shoulder and carried him out the door. Of coarse this left everyone astonished!! They quickly changed their tune. That was exactly how I remember my dad too. He never let on anything was wrong, he didn't complain or yell, but if you tested him, you would quickly learn that you had made a big mistake.
       It has now been 11yrs. since he has died. Every year I learn new things that make me respect him more than ever before. The life he lead was a good one, he was the most helpful and honest man I knew. With hardships the would make most men buckle and give up. It makes me want to be a better person and live my life for him. I miss you everyday R.I.P. James Joseph Erving June 29,1919- Jan. 5,   2001.

Could We Survive?

          People always complain about how hard life is these days.If you think about it, the human race as a whole has become lazy and full of complaints. If you go back less than a century, people didn't seem to have as many "made up" problems as we do now. Pain and suffering was a way of life, but back then they mostly dealt with it, for the most part, they didn't have any choice.

          Depression might have existed, but it wasn't talked about and it definitely wasn't thought of as excuse for not being productive.The fact is people had no choice but to work and work hard.Stuff had to be done manually. The was no electricity or technology to do it for us. I'm sure there were lazy people back in the day, but believe me if you didn't work, you didn't eat.

         I just keep thinking about what life would be like if we woke up tomorrow and nothing worked. Could we actually adapt and go back to the way it use to be. It was easy for people in their time periods, but we only know life how it is now, we have forgotten what live use to be. Most of us have no idea how to kill and cook our own food or what it takes to live without technology. If you were to take away my phone and car, I would be completely lost. I know there was a time when I didn't need those things to get by, but that was a long time ago. I've completely come to rely on those things to live. I wouldn't even begin to know how to create a battery or electricity. If I want to make a fire, I have either a lighter or a match. I know there has been a couple times when the electricity goes off in the house and my first reaction is to pick up a phone and call someone to come fix it. Then the rest of the time, I'm walking around turning on light switches for no reason and picking up the remote control without even thinking about it. It is crazy to think how reliant we have actually become on technology.

        There are all these movies on the apocalypse and zombies roaming the earth. Then there is always some "hero" type that out lives everyone and saves the world. Well, I can tell you right now, that will definitely not be me. Human instinct might drive us to survive and repopulate, but I don't think I will be the one to do it. In fact, I'm pretty sure if it does happen, there might be a vast amount of people that do survive, but their numbers will quickly deteriorate. I never really understood wanting to be one of  the one that lives anyways. How miserable of a life is that? When and if it all comes down, I want to be one of the first people to go.

         End of the world bomb shelters to me are crazy, I mean you might survive, but at what cost? Living your life in a little box is down right insanity. I mean what if you do make it, then what? You don't die quickly with everyone else, you slowly watch as all your rations run out and you slowly die! Sounds like a much better idea to me.

         I guess the point of this whole post is just to realize how far we have come. Even though we might be technologically better off, for the most part we have lost most of the fundamentals of living. Just ask yourself, if everything were to be gone tomorrow. No electricity, no clean water, no gas, or phone, and lets not forget the most important, no internet, do you think you could still survive? I know most of you are going to answer really quick and say "oh, I could do it no problem". You might even give me a few examples of how and why you could do it, but really think about it. Be honest, cause your not lying to me, your lying to yourself. Also, you have to remember, there are other people out there stronger and more equip, they are just as messed and  looking for your free supplies. Could you bring yourself to kill someone? Do know how to protect yourself and feed yourself. You might be surprised by what the answer really is!

     

Every waking Day(lyrics)

Now you have your new friends

So your finished with me

I only was your main necessity

When you were in desperate need

When you had no one 

I was always there

To show you love and support

And let you know that I cared

But then you didn't need

Someone so close to you

Always shutting me out

What the hell was I to do?

It's been so long

And I still feel this pain

Your love, it haunts me

With every waking day

With every waking day

We had some of the best times

When we just sat and talked

Driving around that useless town

There was nothing to do at all

But now I know it's over

You've got someone new

I just want you to know

That I still love you

Yes I still love you

My Memories

My friends are alive, but something has died
Cause I moved away and left them behind
Broke my heart to make a new start
Holding the memories

I went back to visit my friends
What we once had, has come to an end
Everything's different, and we all have changed
Going home now it seems so strange

Chorus: I don't know why, maybe its me
Me and my memories

Sometimes when I'm sitting around
I think of those times, it brings me down
I'm so alone, I miss my friends
This loneliness has got to end

Standing alone, I don't belong
No matter what happens I've got to be strong
I know in my heart I'm not alone
Just a new life, in this new home

Things will start looking better for me
It's time to set myself free!!!

Immortal Gods

Traveling through centuries alone
Branded steel, fire and stone
Fighting for the ultimate prize
Fighting to be the last alive

Chorus: Stand and Fight, For your life
Whip & bash them with all your might
In fear, feel the pain
Cause we're the immortal Gods

Seen so many strong men die
Thousands of years before my eye
Mentally drained, physically scared
Never to sleep, always on guard

Divide and conquer, live by the blade
Now you'll pay for the mistakes you made
On your knees and look to the sky
Now it's time for you to die 

Walking Into Reality

My actions speak as loud as my words
But my words mean everything to me
So you can think what you want
I don't care...If I'm Lazy
Or I'm crazy, or just Fucking up
 
Chorus:I don't care too much despair
Pushing down on me
Can't you see what is to be
Walking into reality

Go be your own person leave me alone
I don't need someone like you
Telling me what to do
I like what I am, I do what I can
To keep my sanity

Chorus:
Walking In to reality

Holding On

Looking for piece of mind
Living through these fucked up times
Inner sight is making me blind
Do you like to hear me whine?

Chorus: Sit here and wonder how I go wrong
Falling Apart, Holding On
Happiness is so hard to find
Living through these fucked up times

I always seem to go, just a little to far
Making my life, oh so hard
(Don't know why I I drop my guard)
(And let the loneliness rip me apart)

My emotions change, with every day
At least I know I'm not plain
I don't give a fuck if you think
I'm So strange, why the hell would I
be the same?

Sit here and wonder how I go wrong
Falling Apart, Holding On
Happiness is so hard to find
Living through these fucked up times

Filtered Fallacy

Paradise, left behind
Visions and Dreams, in my mind
Stepping Out, Falling Back
Do what I can, to stay on track

Burden yourself, with my soul
Watching time,take it's toll
What's going on? Who's in control
Watching my life, as it unfolds

I do what I want, not always my way
I don't listen, to people's hearsay
Filter out, the Fallacy
Broken promise, I perceive

Criticized, for my youth
Pushed aside, by the truth
Shallow pride, No esteem
Rise Above, What I use to be

Respect at heart, morals by law
My position, stand true to all
Unless opposed, by minds of greed
They're a lost cause, frail and weak

Better Off Dead

Sometimes I feel I be happier dead
Escape the thoughts in my head
I don’t think I can take much more
Everyday gives me less to live for

Everyone thinks I’ve got it so easy
Everyone thinks, I’ve got it made
But it feels like everyone’s against me
As I watch my dreams all fade

My Ideas make me feel crazy
Cause no one thinks they’re right
Maybe I should just give up
Give up on this fucked up life

Someday life will get better
I will stand on my own two feet
Throw away these fucked up thoughts
Until then…I’ll be happier dead

When did Stupid become Acceptable

           My first thoughts on this, takes me back to all the blonde jokes. A lot of girls started dying their and "acting dumb" so guys would like them. It became a major stereotype for girls, which to this day I still don't understand why. Looks may get you in the door, but if there is nothing in your head or your personality sucks most guys are gone real quick. Unless of coarse, your just looking for a quick "no strings" one night stand. Then again, I don't know many guys that would turn down "free sex"! Almost any girl can walk up to whichever guy they choose and say(for the lack of a better phrase) "Lets F*#k" and 9 out of 10 guys will drop everything and happily partake. Of coarse there are a few guy that won't bite, either because they are scared or just down right not use to being hit on. Then the girl just has to walk up to someone else and it's pretty much guaranteed. Guys have to ask out 100 girls to get maybe 2 or 3. Girls can ask 2 or 3 and be in the sack that night, hell that hour.
        It's just gotten progressively worse. It all started with Jessica Simpson and her stupid can of tuna fish. She is either really dumb or smart as a fox. I take that back, there have always been girls in shows portraying themselves as "dumb Blonde's." Jessica Simpson just made a career out of it. Then again so did a lot of other women. The major difference is most of those other women can turn it off and have a "normal" conversation.
        I just don't understand how this is acceptable. These women are role models and it's just teaching girls not to think for themselves. Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, is this what women really want their daughters to be like? What happen to women being equal and striving to be great? 
        Don't get me wrong, I know that everyone can't be super intelligent or have a personalities that outshine everyone else, but do we really have to glorify being dumb? We should be encouraging girls to succeed by bettering themselves, not rewarding them for "acting stupid." 
        I know some of you are thinking right now, "your just being sexist, guys act dumb too", and your right, well at least about the guys being dumb. The sexist part...not so much. I support women achieving everything they can and more. There is nothing more awesome than a women that is driven and knows what she wants!!! But I digress, the only reason I'm  not really mentioning guys, is  because guys don't really "act" stupid. They either are naturally dumb or they hide it well. I'm just saying, every time I turn on my TV, I don't see another guy making millions from being dumb. Ignorant, yes!!! Dumb, not so much.

Up or Down, Never in Between

          As far back as I can remember, I have this tendency to either be completely on top or completely on bottom, there has never been a middle ground or shall I say "Normal plain" for me. The more I analyze myself the more I realize it pertains to every aspect of my life. I'm either really happy or extremely depressed, I'm never just O.K.
       I first started noticing that I either wanted to do "everything" perfect or I just didn't want to do it. I mean of coarse I was always willing to try and practice at it, but perfection was always the goal(which I guess is obvious). I mean some people are happy with just being, I guess for lack of a better word "normal", me I wanted to be either at the top of the list or I just wouldn't do it. Even in school, if I didn't get A's or B's, I would just blow it off all together. Which I guess is why I had to get my G.E.D, but even when I got my assoc. degree, if I thought I was getting an "average" grade, I would drop the class and start over again. In the end my GPA was a 3.5, but it took me a long time to finish school.
        Even my personality and perception of myself,is completely messed up. I am completely narcissistic, with a huge ego and no self esteem. Sound completely contradictory? Yeah, I think so too. I guess loosely translated "I am the most awesome loser that ever lived!!"  I must say though I did yearn for normalcy, but found bad ways to achieve it.
        Even now, I got a new computer in Jan., it's now March and I have started learning Digital music, Photoshop, these blogs, 3D animation, how to build websites and am posting everything to the internet, oh yeah, I almost forgot, making videos too. This time last year I didn't do anything, at all!! Hell, even three months ago, I was lucky if I made a video in a month.
        I guess when I started converting everything from analog to digital I did a lot, but there is another example, I get my analog to digital converter and I do it all in one day. I could have worked on a song or two and then came back another day, but not me!! I had to do it all in one day and it had to be done right, I almost quit a hundred times, just cause it wasn't perfect.
        I could go on and on, but I think you get where I am going with this. I guess, since I kinda of understand how I am, it is better than being in complete denial. I mean most people won't except the fact that they have a problem. If someone tells them they are bi-polar or something they can't except it. Not me, I know if I want to be bi-polar, I would have to step down a few notches on the crazy meter. That's right I said it....I'm CRAZY(but not the good kind)!!!

I'm crazy, what's your excuse?

          Looking back over the last few years, it has come to my attention that everyone either wants to be crazy or just thinks they are crazy. This is is quit disturbing to me, I mean when did being crazy become the in thing to be? It's almost become a fashion statement.
          As a person that has been dealing with mental issues since I was young, it has entered into my thoughts more than once, if most of these people really did meet someone crazy, they would probably be scared or just disgusted. It's has just become a major excuse for doing stupid things. It's almost as bad as being drunk!! When did being stupid become acceptable(maybe that will be my next title.).
          The thing that I find funny is, people think being crazy is a joke, that is until I come into the picture, then they are like hes not crazy hes just messed (F-ed) up. So I guess I'm bad crazy and other people are good crazy. Or maybe it's just all in my head(HAHAHA).  Crazy doesn't mean mentally ill anymore. Crazy means funny, spontaneous, and a "wacky" person.
           So lets all go out and strive to be "Crazy", but be careful because if  people don't agree with "your craziness" they might just start thinking YOU ARE MESSED UP!!!!