The one thing I use to always say before doing anything I had doubts about, was "Fuck it, you only live once!!" This in itself is quit a profound statement. Unfortunately, now that I'm older I think I looked at it completely wrong. Which, by the way is the story of my life.
To me, the statement "you only live once" always meant, do everything without worrying about the consequences. That it is better to die young and live on the edge, then to just have a boring existence. I never thought that I would live past 30, so I did everything in excess!! I never saw a future for myself, so planning anything never made sense.I lived under the impression, that if I was to plan something out, I was planning for disaster. To me the best way to ruin something was to plan it out.
Lately, I've been realizing that the statement "You only live once" may have a completely different meaning. I'm starting to learn that since this is the only chance we get, we are suppose to preserve our way of life. That every second is a gift and we must use it to make this world better. I must say though, the paranoid side of me is skeptical. I mean the second I start making my life better and actually have something to lose, is the minute everything is taken from me.
I don't know what it is, but part of me is unable to except normalcy. The closer to pain and misery I am, the more comfortable my life is. It's not that I can't be like other people and "fit in", but...Well now that I think of it, that is exactly what it is. I've tried being Mr. Straight and Narrow, and believe me it takes being someone that I just can't be. Some of it has to do with drugs, but even clean, I feel like a complete misfit. So the drugs are a very small part of this and hopefully a part that is behind me.I must also interject, that drugs never really changed my personality, for better or for worse. It mostly has to do with the way my brain works, how I perceive people and especially how I think they perceive me!!!
The part I find the hardest to grasp, is the fact that I work night and day on my creative stuff and have nothing, but if it was discovered and I was rich and famous, then I would be praised. I mean, I have come to terms with the fact that I am a bum, but damn-it, I am a hard working bum. I could always make excuses, about my arm being messed up, hell, I could probably even get on disability(which people tell me all the time), but I haven't. I'm just struggling everyday to make it.
So now, the whole idea behind " you only live once" is getting confusing to me. Do I keep pushing my life to the edge and hope for greatness after I die? Or do I change everything, strive for a long, healthy life and give up who and what I really am?
