Time ticks away all the seconds of our life
The past is behind us and the future's a fight
They're brought together by what we decide
Rewards and regrets all seem to combine
Everyday is different, but mainly the same
Growing older your suppose to have changed
Live like a citizen, conform and be plain
Living life by your rules, is simply not sane
People can't control all aspects of their fate
Some don't believe and some don't relate
Many carry guilt, that's a heavy weight
Everyone develops at a different rate
Anxiety can cripple without any warning
Devastating depression inevitably forming
Everything you try is overwhelmingly boring
Finding yourself in constant mourning
Showing posts with label Dave Erving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dave Erving. Show all posts
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
The Day that Changed MY Life
How could I have known? The day seemed like every other day. Was it fate? Was his death predetermined? Why was I the one he called? What could I have done different? Even the detective told me, that there was nothing anyone could have done!! He was too far gone. Day after Day, Year after year, I still wonder, is there any way that his fate could have changed? My only comfort is knowing that I was the last one to spend time with him. Also, I know, if I didn't drive him, he would have found a way down there, and who knows what would have happened. I know he wasn't trying to kill himself. We had always done so many drugs, that we all felt invincible!! Not to mention, it wasn't the first time he had Overdosed unfortunately, this time, there was no coming back. Not even the paramedics could revive him!! The worst part is, I had no idea(until after the funeral) all the different drugs he had already done.
It was a nice summer day. I had already gone downtown once that day. At this point in my life, I had a pretty good habit. In fact, I had only been on Heroin about a year, maybe not even that long. I had a steady job, because one thing I can say is, whenever I was strung-out, I worked extra hard, because I knew I was a horrible criminal. So I had to make enough money to support my habit, or be sick. Luckily I had a boss that understood addiction, because he had his own struggles, but with a different drug.
So anyways, this was the mid 90's. The days before everyone had a cell phone, beepers were the way to reach your dealers and for some reason, that day I was shorted 2 bags. I must of had to go to someone different, because there is no way my regular dealers would have ripped me off.I was a very good and reliable customer, and the quickest way to lose customers, is to rip them off. Well, you can imagine, I wasn't too happy about that.
I had been home about an hour and the phone rings, it's Darrell asking me to take him downtown. He didn't want dope though, he wanted Xanax. Darrell, at one time did have a dope habit and every once in a while, he did dabbled with it. At this point in time though, he was more into drinking and pills. At first, I said no. I told him that I had already been and that it wasn't worth going. That is when he offered to buy me 2 bags. Well, after being ripped off earlier, how could I refuse. Back in those days, I was one of the few Junkies with a vehicle, so I made a lot of my dope driving people around. I had the wheels and I had the connections.
I guess at this point in time, I should maybe take a little time to express how much Darrell really meant to me. I mean, if you read this story just thinking that Darrell was another good friend, it won't really mean as much. To start out, I gave up everything that was my life after Darrell died. I stopped playing music, writing and drawing. Before he died, those were my only reasons for living and after his death, they lost all meaning. It took 15 years to get it all back!!
Darrell was the one person I could ALWAYS turn to when I was down. He understood me, he wouldn't even have to say anything, and things just seem to get better. Anyone lucky enough to have a friend like that, knows exactly what I mean!!! A friend like that only comes around once in a lifetime, and no matter how long you are apart, that bond is always there. You can have a handful of friends that are like brothers, but there is only one, maybe two, if you are really lucky that you will feel that bond with. Every band I ever had, Darrell was in. He taught me so much, not only about music, but about life in general.
Darrell was such a giving soul, his generosity was incredible!! I have never known anyone like that, if he had something and knew you were in need, he wouldn't even hesitate to help anyone out. Even if he didn't know you. The first time I met him, I was just hanging out by myself and he walked up and gave me this necklace with a skull on it. He definitely meant the world to me. Sometime I wonder if that was the reason I was the last person with him.
So back to the worst day of my life!!! After Darrell offered me the 2 bags, I agreed to take him downtown. Of coarse, he had his bottle with him, some cheap wine, most likely Wild Irish Rose. Darrell practically lived on that stuff. Unfortunately, when we got down there, no one was out. New York Ave. was the only place Darrell or I knew where they sold pills. I wasn't really into pills, the only time I ever took pills was when I was trying to kick Heroin. I had driven Darrell there many times on the way to get my dope. Every once in a while, you could even find dope there too. It was right next to the D.C. Methadone clinic. We checked everywhere we could down there, we even went into the McDonald where people sometimes hung out, just to see if anyone even knew where to get some pills. There was nothing, anywhere!! So, after waiting around for a while, Darrell was like screw it, he decided to just get a couple of bags of dope with me.
Well, by this time, my regular guys were out. So Darrell and I went up and got 2 bags each. I warned Darrell to be very careful, because this dope was really good. He didn't even shoot it. On the way home, he snorted his bags. I didn't even realize he did both of them!!! If I had known that was what he was going to do, I would have tried to do something to stop him. What I could of done, I don't know, because stopping a drug addict from taking drugs is almost impossible. I know some people reading this might think Darrell was trying to kill himself, but I assure you, Darrell love doing everything to the fullest. I've never seen anyone consume drugs like we did back then, not just Darrell and me, but almost everyone in our circle. It was just the way we did it back then.
As we proceed home, Darrell starts to show the signs of overdosing. He assured me he was alright, over and over again. In my head, I kept thinking about what I could do. I knew we had about 15 minutes, since he snorted it. I probably made 100 mistakes that day, but honestly, even the detective says I did the right thing. My mind was racing, what can I do? How do I save him by myself and avoid being arrested. Do I try for a hospital, do I try to get ice(which had worked in the past, unfortunately, in the past, ice worked because he wasn't already on a bunch of other stuff). Unfortunately, I wasn't anywhere near either.
As we pull into Darrell's neighborhood, I notice he is rolling back and forth(which ever way the truck turned, he would roll), I quickly stopped the car and ran over to his side of the truck. When I opened the door, Darrell fell out and landed in the grass, on the side of the truck. At first, I tried picking him up, but it just wasn't working. I set him up, in a safe place, jumped into the truck and drove to the quickest payphone. It was right across the street at the local Metro stop(not even a 1/4 mile away).
The detective told me that the ambulance was there within 3 minutes. He assured me I did the right thing, that if I tried driving Darrell to the hospital it would of taken 15 minutes and most likely he would of been dead on arrival. My biggest mistake after this was not going back immediately, but I had 2 bags of dope on me and was scared. I did drop my stuff off at home and then went back with my mom. There was no sign of Darrell or any Ambulance or anything. For some reason, I tried to convince myself that he was alright and went back home.
My biggest regret of that day came next. Darrell use to always carry a Camp 30 I.D. that he loved to show off. It was the one picture that he had that his head was shaved, he said it made him look like Charles Manson(which of coarse was a joke). Darrell always had long flowing hair. So this I.D., I guess was funny to him. Unfortunately, this day he wasn't carrying it. I didn't remember to tell the person on the 911 call his name, so no one could identify him.
The next day, the call came. Darrell was dead. He had been on life support for 24 hours until they finally Identified him. I was crushed, my whole world ended. I would never be the same.
That day, I was the last in line of a bunch of people that he went to. At the funeral, three other people came to me saying that they had just sold him a large amount of various pills. Each of us blaming ourselves for what had happened. Even after learning all that, I know in my heart it was an accident. He was trying to get pills and ended up getting really good heroin. It was just too much for him.
He was a lost soul. One of the best people I knew. I still miss him everyday. Our music and our lives had endless potential!!! Unfortunately, that day, both of our lives were changed for ever. I tried playing music for years, but it was just too overwhelming!! Every band I had, he was in. I still have never met anyone that I could just sit and write music with. It has been well over 15yrs. and I have finally gotten back into my music and writing. Although, most of the stuff I publish is the stuff we did. I hope everyone that knows me, knows how much I truly loved him.
R.I.P. Darrell Karlinksy
It was a nice summer day. I had already gone downtown once that day. At this point in my life, I had a pretty good habit. In fact, I had only been on Heroin about a year, maybe not even that long. I had a steady job, because one thing I can say is, whenever I was strung-out, I worked extra hard, because I knew I was a horrible criminal. So I had to make enough money to support my habit, or be sick. Luckily I had a boss that understood addiction, because he had his own struggles, but with a different drug.
So anyways, this was the mid 90's. The days before everyone had a cell phone, beepers were the way to reach your dealers and for some reason, that day I was shorted 2 bags. I must of had to go to someone different, because there is no way my regular dealers would have ripped me off.I was a very good and reliable customer, and the quickest way to lose customers, is to rip them off. Well, you can imagine, I wasn't too happy about that.
I had been home about an hour and the phone rings, it's Darrell asking me to take him downtown. He didn't want dope though, he wanted Xanax. Darrell, at one time did have a dope habit and every once in a while, he did dabbled with it. At this point in time though, he was more into drinking and pills. At first, I said no. I told him that I had already been and that it wasn't worth going. That is when he offered to buy me 2 bags. Well, after being ripped off earlier, how could I refuse. Back in those days, I was one of the few Junkies with a vehicle, so I made a lot of my dope driving people around. I had the wheels and I had the connections.
I guess at this point in time, I should maybe take a little time to express how much Darrell really meant to me. I mean, if you read this story just thinking that Darrell was another good friend, it won't really mean as much. To start out, I gave up everything that was my life after Darrell died. I stopped playing music, writing and drawing. Before he died, those were my only reasons for living and after his death, they lost all meaning. It took 15 years to get it all back!!
Darrell was the one person I could ALWAYS turn to when I was down. He understood me, he wouldn't even have to say anything, and things just seem to get better. Anyone lucky enough to have a friend like that, knows exactly what I mean!!! A friend like that only comes around once in a lifetime, and no matter how long you are apart, that bond is always there. You can have a handful of friends that are like brothers, but there is only one, maybe two, if you are really lucky that you will feel that bond with. Every band I ever had, Darrell was in. He taught me so much, not only about music, but about life in general.
Darrell was such a giving soul, his generosity was incredible!! I have never known anyone like that, if he had something and knew you were in need, he wouldn't even hesitate to help anyone out. Even if he didn't know you. The first time I met him, I was just hanging out by myself and he walked up and gave me this necklace with a skull on it. He definitely meant the world to me. Sometime I wonder if that was the reason I was the last person with him.
So back to the worst day of my life!!! After Darrell offered me the 2 bags, I agreed to take him downtown. Of coarse, he had his bottle with him, some cheap wine, most likely Wild Irish Rose. Darrell practically lived on that stuff. Unfortunately, when we got down there, no one was out. New York Ave. was the only place Darrell or I knew where they sold pills. I wasn't really into pills, the only time I ever took pills was when I was trying to kick Heroin. I had driven Darrell there many times on the way to get my dope. Every once in a while, you could even find dope there too. It was right next to the D.C. Methadone clinic. We checked everywhere we could down there, we even went into the McDonald where people sometimes hung out, just to see if anyone even knew where to get some pills. There was nothing, anywhere!! So, after waiting around for a while, Darrell was like screw it, he decided to just get a couple of bags of dope with me.
Well, by this time, my regular guys were out. So Darrell and I went up and got 2 bags each. I warned Darrell to be very careful, because this dope was really good. He didn't even shoot it. On the way home, he snorted his bags. I didn't even realize he did both of them!!! If I had known that was what he was going to do, I would have tried to do something to stop him. What I could of done, I don't know, because stopping a drug addict from taking drugs is almost impossible. I know some people reading this might think Darrell was trying to kill himself, but I assure you, Darrell love doing everything to the fullest. I've never seen anyone consume drugs like we did back then, not just Darrell and me, but almost everyone in our circle. It was just the way we did it back then.
As we proceed home, Darrell starts to show the signs of overdosing. He assured me he was alright, over and over again. In my head, I kept thinking about what I could do. I knew we had about 15 minutes, since he snorted it. I probably made 100 mistakes that day, but honestly, even the detective says I did the right thing. My mind was racing, what can I do? How do I save him by myself and avoid being arrested. Do I try for a hospital, do I try to get ice(which had worked in the past, unfortunately, in the past, ice worked because he wasn't already on a bunch of other stuff). Unfortunately, I wasn't anywhere near either.
As we pull into Darrell's neighborhood, I notice he is rolling back and forth(which ever way the truck turned, he would roll), I quickly stopped the car and ran over to his side of the truck. When I opened the door, Darrell fell out and landed in the grass, on the side of the truck. At first, I tried picking him up, but it just wasn't working. I set him up, in a safe place, jumped into the truck and drove to the quickest payphone. It was right across the street at the local Metro stop(not even a 1/4 mile away).
The detective told me that the ambulance was there within 3 minutes. He assured me I did the right thing, that if I tried driving Darrell to the hospital it would of taken 15 minutes and most likely he would of been dead on arrival. My biggest mistake after this was not going back immediately, but I had 2 bags of dope on me and was scared. I did drop my stuff off at home and then went back with my mom. There was no sign of Darrell or any Ambulance or anything. For some reason, I tried to convince myself that he was alright and went back home.
My biggest regret of that day came next. Darrell use to always carry a Camp 30 I.D. that he loved to show off. It was the one picture that he had that his head was shaved, he said it made him look like Charles Manson(which of coarse was a joke). Darrell always had long flowing hair. So this I.D., I guess was funny to him. Unfortunately, this day he wasn't carrying it. I didn't remember to tell the person on the 911 call his name, so no one could identify him.
The next day, the call came. Darrell was dead. He had been on life support for 24 hours until they finally Identified him. I was crushed, my whole world ended. I would never be the same.
That day, I was the last in line of a bunch of people that he went to. At the funeral, three other people came to me saying that they had just sold him a large amount of various pills. Each of us blaming ourselves for what had happened. Even after learning all that, I know in my heart it was an accident. He was trying to get pills and ended up getting really good heroin. It was just too much for him.
He was a lost soul. One of the best people I knew. I still miss him everyday. Our music and our lives had endless potential!!! Unfortunately, that day, both of our lives were changed for ever. I tried playing music for years, but it was just too overwhelming!! Every band I had, he was in. I still have never met anyone that I could just sit and write music with. It has been well over 15yrs. and I have finally gotten back into my music and writing. Although, most of the stuff I publish is the stuff we did. I hope everyone that knows me, knows how much I truly loved him.
R.I.P. Darrell Karlinksy
Friday, November 22, 2013
Do What I Can
Walking down the street one day
Thinking about shit & I must say
I want to be better, live life for me
What the fuck am I suppose to be?
Yesterday's gone, that I can't change
I don't fucking care, I'm not the same
I live life for me & the things I love
Time to be myself and rise above
Chorus:
Darkness from light, day turns to night
Do what I can to live my life right
Mental, Insane, fucked in the brain
Do what I can to escape all the pain
Living this life, I search for a way
Keep it together & struggling each day
Try to stand tall, escape my past life
I refuse to give in without a fight
Tomorrow, what does the future hold?
Destiny & fate, I watch it all unfold
It's gonna be hard but I must survive
Fuck all this shit, fucking with my life!!!
Thinking about shit & I must say
I want to be better, live life for me
What the fuck am I suppose to be?
Yesterday's gone, that I can't change
I don't fucking care, I'm not the same
I live life for me & the things I love
Time to be myself and rise above
Chorus:
Darkness from light, day turns to night
Do what I can to live my life right
Mental, Insane, fucked in the brain
Do what I can to escape all the pain
Living this life, I search for a way
Keep it together & struggling each day
Try to stand tall, escape my past life
I refuse to give in without a fight
Tomorrow, what does the future hold?
Destiny & fate, I watch it all unfold
It's gonna be hard but I must survive
Fuck all this shit, fucking with my life!!!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Hopes and Dreams
I've lived so many lives, love so many times
Been on top an fallen over and over again
I've seen the best and the worst
That the world has to offer
I've been told that good people prosper
While that bad people never win
But in the years I've lived and learned
Nobody escapes from sin
So much beauty to be experienced in life
Yet we only dwell on what brings us pain
Love is suppose to conquer all
And Life is what you make it
I've been told these things over and over
But I only believe what I see
Bad things happen for no reason
Some say that its destiny
I wasn't always such a pessimist, I had hopes and dreams
Till life kicked me in the face, and rage took hold of me
I didn't always have such negative thoughts, I really did believe
That if you tried and followed your heart anything could be achieved
Then one day I woke up and my life had passed me by
My hopes and dreams were shattered, my life had been denied
I no longer known what else to do,Nothing else to try
The only thing that's left for me, is to give in and die
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Boredom
Creeping up on you, like a stalker in the dark
Time just slowly ticks away, tearing you apart
Lying there in a trance, look what you've become
Useless to the world your life has come undone
Boredom, staring at the walls
Nothing really seems to change
When did life become so lame?
Time goes by, but it stays the same
Mind and body numb to the world, you just sit and stare
Nothing going on inside, the TV is your only friend
Time passes by, and the hours seem like days
What the fuck is going on, soon I'll be insane
Can't sleep, can't think, so sick of everything
Patience only goes so far, what' will the future bring?
Tick tock, tick fucking tock, over and over again
Everyday repeats itself, this shit has got to end
The Sickness Inside
There is a sickness inside, I can no longer hide
Its taking over everything that I cherish in life
Hatred and pain, devoured by rage
Watching my world as its burning in flames
There is this sickness inside
Fueled by the pain,all the loss and the lies
There is this sickness inside
Keeping the hatred alive, my only reason for life
There's no way to conceal the hatred I feel
There's no way to deal with emotions so real
So many chances, forgiveness, regrets
So much time wasted, fucked up people I've met
Forgotten, forsaken, left to fend for my self
Time to unleash the pain, and the agony
I feel it's taking over everything that' I feel inside
I feel it's taking over everything that' I feel inside
There is this sickness inside
Fueled by the pain,all the loss and the lies
There is this sickness inside
Keeping the hatred alive, my only reason for life
There's no way to conceal the hatred I feel
There's no way to deal with emotions so real
So many chances, forgiveness, regrets
So much time wasted, fucked up people I've met
Forgotten, forsaken, left to fend for my self
Time to unleash the pain, and the agony I felt
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
How Quickly We Fall
Looking back I can’t believe the life I’ve left behind
Expectations and the goals I set quickly changed with time
The life I planned differs from the life I lived,everything has changed
The hardest thing to except, is I’m the only one to blame
I know where I went wrong, I just can’t explain why
Life seem to hold the answers, all I had to do was try
I let disappointment discourage me, from all that I desired
I lost the will to carry on, my life is uninspired
It’s been so long and I fallen so far, I’m no longer in control
I’ve stared into the face of death, as it ripped into my soul
I climbed back up just to lose again, will I ever reach my goal?
I don’t know how to ask for help, I’ll just let my life unfold
Desire and drive, a passion for life, who can predict their fate?
The more shit life throws at you,the more you can relate
Everyone’s there to give advice and let you know the deal
Until they lose everything, they”ll never know how it feels
Tell me what it takes to be happy, I’ve heard it all before
Give me the skills to cope and I’ll destroy my life some more
The harder I try to live life right, the more it knocks me down
My soul was lost years ago, just bury me in the ground
LifeTime
There was a time in my life
I cared about what others thought
Choices in life were centered around
Pleasing everybody but myself
I knew what I wanted, but it didn't make sense
People were always telling me I had to change
I gave into their shit, and started living a lie
My values were compromised
Everyone was happy, except for me
My life turned to misery
I stopped caring about what people thought
I told everyone to just fuck off
This is my life, I won't compromise
I'm sick of living for someone else
Now I am free, I've got to be me
I've got my life and my morality
I no longer care, or live with despair
Fuck you, if you don't think it's fair
This is my life, you have no right
Stop trying to make me change
I tried it your way, felt nothing but shame
I'm sick of the heart ache and pain
One Last Fall
All the pain and the shame that the drugs represent
Falling and Crawling into a fucked up life of descent
Cracked up, Smacked up, you have no will to fight
Don't care, if it's fair, this shit takes over your life
Get clean for the dream, then it all just falls apart
Fucking junkie so unlucky, right back to the start
Rip a hole in your soul, for a life that can't exist
One more hit, shoot more shit, no way to resist
Sobriety keeps calling, but you keep falling
Into the pain, to the needle your chained
It only takes time,till the drugs make you blind
It's a habit again, say goodbye to your friends
Nobody cares, a junkies life is despair
Don't be mislead cause your already dead
One last fall, you fucking junkie
Why can't you see
One last fall, you fucking junkie
What has happened to me?
One last fall, you fucking junkie
You new all the risks
One last fall, you fucking junkie
You won't even be missed
Destiny
Staring out into the distance, I think of what could be
Is there a point to all this madness, what's our destiny?
Normal life seems so strange, it's the same thing everyday
People don't even notice, when their dreams start to fade
Conforming to a system, that's designed for us to fail
People that are remembered, have paved their own trail
Being pushed out for having our own morals and beliefs
Instead of believing all the bullshit, let others be deceived
I remember in my past, when the future looked so bright
That time is behind me now and I still try to do things right
Even though I expected to have all the fortune and the fame
If I had to do it all again, I think it would turn out the same
Regrets are part of life, we must learn from our mistakes
Even though we want it all, there must be give and take
Shit happens for some reason, many just think it's fate
It either makes your life or destroys you with hate
If I was to Say Sorry
If I was to say sorry, would I be forgiven for my life?
If I was to say sorry, would you relieve me of strife?
Though I’ve tried and tried, it all turned to lies
I sat and watched as my life passed me by
If I was to say sorry, could I do it all again?
If I was to say sorry, would I be free from my sin?
My regret, can’t forget the pain of the past
All these years have caught up with me so fast
Misery and Pain, Losing all control, Living in Vein, Life without a soul
Didn’t have time to think, Didn’t have time to care
Never wanted to blame myself, thinking life was so unfair
If I was to change my ways, try to learn from my mistakes
Would anything really change for me, or is it just too late?
If I was to admit, that this life was all my fault
Could I change my destiny and live the life that I sought
If I was to say sorry, would you relieve me of strife?
Though I’ve tried and tried, it all turned to lies
I sat and watched as my life passed me by
If I was to say sorry, could I do it all again?
If I was to say sorry, would I be free from my sin?
My regret, can’t forget the pain of the past
All these years have caught up with me so fast
Misery and Pain, Losing all control, Living in Vein, Life without a soul
Didn’t have time to think, Didn’t have time to care
Never wanted to blame myself, thinking life was so unfair
If I was to change my ways, try to learn from my mistakes
Would anything really change for me, or is it just too late?
If I was to admit, that this life was all my fault
Could I change my destiny and live the life that I sought
Fighting For Life
Fighting for life at the end of the rope
Nothing to lose, you’ve lost all hope
No one will help a person so wrong
No one will care when you are gone
You lived your life without having a care
Robbing and stealing causing despair
You always take, with nothing to give
Now you’ll die the way you lived
It was all bound to catch up one day
With all the people that you betrayed
Now its too late, too late for remorse
Fate has caught up and taken its course
You should have thought about your life
Given back to others and done what’s right
Now it’s too late and your wondering why
No one will care when it’s your turn to die.
Nothing to lose, you’ve lost all hope
No one will help a person so wrong
No one will care when you are gone
You lived your life without having a care
Robbing and stealing causing despair
You always take, with nothing to give
Now you’ll die the way you lived
It was all bound to catch up one day
With all the people that you betrayed
Now its too late, too late for remorse
Fate has caught up and taken its course
You should have thought about your life
Given back to others and done what’s right
Now it’s too late and your wondering why
No one will care when it’s your turn to die.
I Don't Care
So many years just a different day
Hopeless existence, I've lost my way
Feeling so low, lost everything inside
Watching my life as it passes me by
I once lived a life with promise and hope
Till I lost all my will and forgot how to cope
No matter how I try, I can't shake my past
My dreams were taken and smashed
Slowly time passes, loneliness is my home
Now I live my life, so useless and alone
Ive tried and I've tried just to break free
I don't even care what becomes of me
Drug Rituals
I think it’s funny, but for some reason every drug has a special ritual. Not only that, but it also seems like every individual also has their own ritual to go with each drug that they do. Whether it’s actually doing the drug, or preparing to do the drug, there are always different procedures involved with getting high.
If a person gets involved deep enough, the whole process, from getting the money, to calling and even meeting to get the drugs, all become part of the process. I’ve even known people that seemed more attached to everything other than the actual drug. Especially with your harder drugs like crack and heroin.
With crack, the whole preparation leading up to doing the drug can be a whole process in itself. A lot of people use glass “stems” to smoke their crack with. They are a small(only about 4 to 5 inches long), straight glass cylinder and they usually come with a little rose inside them. Why I do not know, I guess it is to cover up what they are really intended for. Even though everyone already knows. In order to be able to use these stems, first you have to get some chore boy, which is actually steel wool. This is used to filter out the impurities and keep the crack from melting into the glass pipe too fast. The problem is, you can’t just stuff chore boy into the pipe. First you have to burn off all of the coating so your only smoking crack and not a bunch of chemicals. Then after you get all that ready, you take a few hits and then push the chore boy back and forth(usually with like a coat-hanger that has been cut, long enough to go all the way through the pipe) to get up all the resin for a better hit. Though, some people just wait until they have smoked a whole bunch, that way, when they “push the pipe” the resin hit, is a big hit(which is actually even better because it is pure coke resin and not whatever else they cut the crack with) all in itself.
Though not everyone has access to getting a glass pipe, I have seen people use all kind of things to smoke their “rocks” with. Mostly some kind of straight hollow object, filled with chore boy. A lot of people will break off antennas from cars, not only for the pipe, but also to use as a pusher too. They will wrap one side(usually with electrical tape) so they don’t burn their lips while smoking. Though I’ve seen people get the pipe so hot, it is unavoidable, and they don’t even seem to care. Anything to get that big hit!! Also, I’ve seen people use sockets from a socket wrench set, it is pretty crazy what people will come up with in a pinch.
The last thing, and probably the most common thing for people to use, is a can(beer or soda, it doesn’t matter). They will take the can, push in one side, and then poke a bunch of holes where they indented the can. I have also seen a lot of people use cans to smoke just about anything that is smoke-able but I think crack is the most prevalent. Then, depending on the person they might punch a hole in one side(some on top and some on bottom), this is use as a “shotgun”, to get all the smoke faster after taking the hit. I have seen some pretty crazy can configurations, and every crackhead thinks that they make the best can.
Now heroin has just as many rituals. From cooking up the drug, to how and where you are going to get that drug into your system. Everyone has their own techniques, and they are developed over time, as the person’s habit progresses. The biggest ritual is actually getting(or hitting) the drug into your system. The longer you are an addict, the harder this can get. Especially when you start blowing out veins. Most addicts lose access to their veins, from either trying to hit in one place too much or from missing the shot(this can cause big abscess’s which usually have to be drained or at least treated).
Since Heroin has to be cooked(most of the time), most people bring a cooker with them, that is unless they wait until they get home to do their shot. Which is another ritual in itself, pulling over as fast as you can, after you have copped(gotten your drugs). These days, a lot of big cities have needle exchange programs(which are saving a lot of lives and a lot of people from disease), these programs offer many items that the addict needs to get high with(other than just the needles). The cookers they offer are aluminium and they look just like a twist off bottle cap(without the threads). Back before the needle exchange(and still in a pinch)people would take the bottom off a can and use that as their cooker. Some people use spoons, but spoons are more of a Hollywood movie thing, because they can spill very easy.
Once your dope is cooked, you’ll need to use a small piece of cotton in the cooker to draw up your dope. Not only does this make it easy to draw up, but it also filters out the impurities. Most people will just rip off a small piece from a cigarette, but needle exchanges do hand out packages with little balls of cotton. Some addicts will use the same gear over and over, this is what leads to infections and contaminated dope. Also, if you aren’t careful, you can get cotton fever. This is from drawing up your dope and not noticing a small piece of cotton(sometimes it’s so small its not even visible) on the needle and then injecting it into your system. Cotton fever, will make you feel feverish and give you flu like symptoms for about 4 hours.
Which brings me to the needles, most people start out with diabetics. They are pretty easy to get, either from the needle exchange or like the old way, go to the pharmacist and tell them you are a diabetic. Most junkies even know the different types of insulin used, just in case the pharmacist ask you. Unfortunately, after years off use, most addict lose access to their veins. Which leads to going deeper and using larger needles. The groin or the neck is usually the next choice. Which can last a very long time, but also leave scares over time. Eventually, these spots will also collapse. As years pass, most addict are covered with scars, either from missing and having abscess’s or from just repeatedly hitting in the same place.
I guess in conclusion, all drugs have their different techniques, that over time just become a natural part of the drug being used. It’s crazy to think, at first these drugs are so scary and most people wouldn’t even consider ANY of these rituals. Fact is, the more immersed you become in any drug. The more immune you become!! You find yourself doing thing that would terrify most people(and even terrified yourself, before you started). Which is how most addict end up dying or catching any variety of diseases. No one wants the life of a junkie or crackhead. All it takes is a few times and you are hooked.
If a person gets involved deep enough, the whole process, from getting the money, to calling and even meeting to get the drugs, all become part of the process. I’ve even known people that seemed more attached to everything other than the actual drug. Especially with your harder drugs like crack and heroin.
With crack, the whole preparation leading up to doing the drug can be a whole process in itself. A lot of people use glass “stems” to smoke their crack with. They are a small(only about 4 to 5 inches long), straight glass cylinder and they usually come with a little rose inside them. Why I do not know, I guess it is to cover up what they are really intended for. Even though everyone already knows. In order to be able to use these stems, first you have to get some chore boy, which is actually steel wool. This is used to filter out the impurities and keep the crack from melting into the glass pipe too fast. The problem is, you can’t just stuff chore boy into the pipe. First you have to burn off all of the coating so your only smoking crack and not a bunch of chemicals. Then after you get all that ready, you take a few hits and then push the chore boy back and forth(usually with like a coat-hanger that has been cut, long enough to go all the way through the pipe) to get up all the resin for a better hit. Though, some people just wait until they have smoked a whole bunch, that way, when they “push the pipe” the resin hit, is a big hit(which is actually even better because it is pure coke resin and not whatever else they cut the crack with) all in itself.
Though not everyone has access to getting a glass pipe, I have seen people use all kind of things to smoke their “rocks” with. Mostly some kind of straight hollow object, filled with chore boy. A lot of people will break off antennas from cars, not only for the pipe, but also to use as a pusher too. They will wrap one side(usually with electrical tape) so they don’t burn their lips while smoking. Though I’ve seen people get the pipe so hot, it is unavoidable, and they don’t even seem to care. Anything to get that big hit!! Also, I’ve seen people use sockets from a socket wrench set, it is pretty crazy what people will come up with in a pinch.
The last thing, and probably the most common thing for people to use, is a can(beer or soda, it doesn’t matter). They will take the can, push in one side, and then poke a bunch of holes where they indented the can. I have also seen a lot of people use cans to smoke just about anything that is smoke-able but I think crack is the most prevalent. Then, depending on the person they might punch a hole in one side(some on top and some on bottom), this is use as a “shotgun”, to get all the smoke faster after taking the hit. I have seen some pretty crazy can configurations, and every crackhead thinks that they make the best can.
Now heroin has just as many rituals. From cooking up the drug, to how and where you are going to get that drug into your system. Everyone has their own techniques, and they are developed over time, as the person’s habit progresses. The biggest ritual is actually getting(or hitting) the drug into your system. The longer you are an addict, the harder this can get. Especially when you start blowing out veins. Most addicts lose access to their veins, from either trying to hit in one place too much or from missing the shot(this can cause big abscess’s which usually have to be drained or at least treated).
Since Heroin has to be cooked(most of the time), most people bring a cooker with them, that is unless they wait until they get home to do their shot. Which is another ritual in itself, pulling over as fast as you can, after you have copped(gotten your drugs). These days, a lot of big cities have needle exchange programs(which are saving a lot of lives and a lot of people from disease), these programs offer many items that the addict needs to get high with(other than just the needles). The cookers they offer are aluminium and they look just like a twist off bottle cap(without the threads). Back before the needle exchange(and still in a pinch)people would take the bottom off a can and use that as their cooker. Some people use spoons, but spoons are more of a Hollywood movie thing, because they can spill very easy.
Once your dope is cooked, you’ll need to use a small piece of cotton in the cooker to draw up your dope. Not only does this make it easy to draw up, but it also filters out the impurities. Most people will just rip off a small piece from a cigarette, but needle exchanges do hand out packages with little balls of cotton. Some addicts will use the same gear over and over, this is what leads to infections and contaminated dope. Also, if you aren’t careful, you can get cotton fever. This is from drawing up your dope and not noticing a small piece of cotton(sometimes it’s so small its not even visible) on the needle and then injecting it into your system. Cotton fever, will make you feel feverish and give you flu like symptoms for about 4 hours.
Which brings me to the needles, most people start out with diabetics. They are pretty easy to get, either from the needle exchange or like the old way, go to the pharmacist and tell them you are a diabetic. Most junkies even know the different types of insulin used, just in case the pharmacist ask you. Unfortunately, after years off use, most addict lose access to their veins. Which leads to going deeper and using larger needles. The groin or the neck is usually the next choice. Which can last a very long time, but also leave scares over time. Eventually, these spots will also collapse. As years pass, most addict are covered with scars, either from missing and having abscess’s or from just repeatedly hitting in the same place.
I guess in conclusion, all drugs have their different techniques, that over time just become a natural part of the drug being used. It’s crazy to think, at first these drugs are so scary and most people wouldn’t even consider ANY of these rituals. Fact is, the more immersed you become in any drug. The more immune you become!! You find yourself doing thing that would terrify most people(and even terrified yourself, before you started). Which is how most addict end up dying or catching any variety of diseases. No one wants the life of a junkie or crackhead. All it takes is a few times and you are hooked.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Writing Poetry (tips & Tricks)
O.k, let me just start out by saying that these are just a couple of ideas that I use when trying to write poetry. I don't use any of these ideas with every poem all of the time, in fact most are just techniques I started to do when I got all caught up on being "Mr. Perfect!!!"
I find a lot of the time I am trying to push my writing(like now). I have a small idea and I try to make it into a masterpiece!!! My favorite time to write, is when I have nothing going on in my head(which lately has been happening a lot more) and all of the sudden this great idea appears out of no where. This rarely happens, but when it does....it is MAGICAL!!!! The poem or Blog almost writes itself. My biggest problem with this, is that I don't know where to end it. I'll have this great poem or story and then I try to fatten it up with a bunch of jibber-jabber.
I would say that probably 75-85% of my poetry is one great verse. Then I start to fluff it up by using one of the techniques I am about to show you. Hell, sometimes all I have is the tittle, which means that the whole piece is fluff!! It's all about how you want the piece to be. I mean is it a poem that tells a story, does it rhyme, and how does it rhyme? Is every line gonna rhyme with the next or is it every other line? If you want, you can even have the words rhyme within the same line. Or maybe just the last line in every or every other verse. The choices are unlimited!!! I think the thing that took me the longest to figure out was, this is "MY" poem, and I can write it how ever I want!!!! Unless of coarse it is an assignment or for some contest, but that is a whole different scenario anyways, if that is what you are into, then that is awesome!!!! Just make sure that the end result is for you and not someone else.
Some people are born with the talent to write and then others have to work their whole lives for it and still never grasp how to write. I was one of the lucky ones, I guess. Writing to me was second nature, well, that is until I tried to force it. Then I dried up and stopped writing all together, but that too has passed(I hope). Well, look... all this rambling an nothing about how to write, maybe it was all a lie and I have no technique!!!! AHAHAHAHA, it's all just a way to get people to read my blogs!!!! AHAHAHAHA. O.K., seriously now, I will get down to business.
My first technique has to do with rhyming. When I get stuck on a word and I want to find something to rhyme it with, I just start with the first letter of the alphabet and work down. Lets take the word "PAIN" (my favorite word, I even have it tattooed on my right forearm{I'm not even joking, "SORROW" is on the other arm, but this isn't a blog about tattoos..so I digress}) for instance. I take the word "PAIN" and start at the top. "A" doesn't work, so I move on to "B" bane, doesn't work either, but "Brain" might, or even "Blame." What's the reason I have all this pain...In my brain? Obviously, you are the only one to "Blame!!"
Then you can keep going, if you are satisfied with "B" then move on to "C." Your the only one to blame, you tied me up, I can't break your "Chains." Then you can move on to "D" I can't break these chains, my love was drained.
So then you generally want to skip A,E,I,O,U, but not always, like I said, this is your poem, if it works then use it!!! So next comes "F." Maybe you want to do it every other line(this is all off of the top of my head, so bare with me!!) My love for you was drained, I no longer have a soul, Consumed by your flames, Into the darkness, Paradise will never be the same.
O.K., see, I skipped around. I mainly only use this technique when I get stuck. Most of the time, I try to rely on the feeling of the poem or story to carry me through. That of coarse was just a simple example, but I think I made my point. It is all about context and content. Don't rely on some trick to make you think you are some great writer all of the sudden. Everyone(including me) wants the easy solution to everything. Just because it works, doesn't mean it will always work!!! Every poem must start with a feeling or good idea.
I must be honest though, and tell you, I really have a hard time reading poetry, because to me it is just a bunch of words put together. I know it sounds bad, but it is true. Don't get me wrong, words mean everything to me and that is what really captured my heart about music. I just have a hard time reading other people's writings. I just think that in order to really understand the feelings and soul of the writer, they must be the one to read it!!!! That is why, when you find that one great song that just speaks right to you, nothing is better. It lets you know that there are other people out there that are going through your pain and feeling the same way that you do. Sometimes, they might even help you to pull through it or understand why things are the way they are.
My next biggest tip happens when you get stuck on a word and you've gone through the whole alphabet and have come up with nothing!! My favorite thing about words is that there are so many words that mean the same thing. Take the sentence, "I'm riding in my car." That can be switched so many ways "Traveling in my car", "Driving in my car" just plain "we were in my car" and so on. Most of the time, if I can't find something to rhyme, I'll just go back and change the last word, so Instead of "Driving in my car" I'll say, "In my car we were riding" so now, I can go through the alphabet and try to find something to rhyme with "Riding" or maybe I'll leave "Car" out completely, "We were cruising along just the other day", so see, the possibilities are endless!!
My last tip, is probably the best tip of all and the simplest!!! If you are really stuck on something and just not feeling it at all, then stop!!! Don't give up and DON'T... I REPEAT DON'T throw it away!!!! I know it's easy to get discouraged and think it completely sucks, which by the way, I have done so many times, it is sickening!!!! But don't do it!!! Just stop, take a break, maybe take a week, a month or however long it takes!!! I've gone back years after starting something and found I had actually written some pretty awesome, a little tweaking and it turned out to be some of my best stuff!!! It might have had a completely different meaning by then, but it still turned out great!!! Whatever you do, don't throw it away, well unless it really sucks, then it's O.K. to ditch it!!!! AHAHAHAHA just kidding. The thing is, you started this writing because of an idea or a feeling. So if you give it some time, the idea or feeling might get stronger and the words might just start to flow the next time you sit down and write.
Good luck, I think you can take it from here, just remember that writing is just a way to express your feelings. A way to make a connection with other people that might be going through the same thing you are. Maybe it's something you've already conquered and there is someone out there right now, trying to make it through the same thing. Whatever you do, don't write because you feel it is what someone else wants!!! I mean, of coarse there will be assignments and stuff, but do them because you want to, not because you have to. Life is all about perspective!!! When I was growing up, I remember everyone always dreaded the writing assignments!!! Not me, I thrived on them!!! Spelling and vocabulary are a different situation all together, my spelling and grammar are horrible, thank GOD FOR SPELLCHECK!!!!! Take it easy, writing can be fun!!! Not to mention a great way to get out bottled up emotions. If it wasn't for writing, I would probably be in a mental hospital right now!!!!(not that I'm too far off as we speak)
Friday, May 11, 2012
Why Are You Gay
When I was younger, I really didn't understand why men were gay. I just couldn't comprehend how a man could be attracted to another man. In fact, I use to joke around that I felt sorry for women, just because men are so disgusting. Then I would add, if I was a women, I could see being gay, because women are so beautiful.
So for many years, I was very ignorant about the subject. I would laugh and put down gay people. Mainly just as a defense mechanism because I didn't understand what it meant to be gay. Also, it must have been ingrained in me that being gay was evil and that gay men would prey on anyone of the same sex. If I even thought someone was gay, I would stay far away or do everything I could to put this man down to prove that I wasn't gay.
Then one day, a couple of my close friends invited me to go hang out. I was horrified when I got there and realized that most of the people at this house were gay. I quickly put up my defenses and left. The whole ride home, I joked on all the people in the house and criticized my friends for putting me in that messed up situation. To be honest it was my first real encounter with gay people. I mean, growing up there were people that I expected might be gay, but like I said, I stayed far away from anyone that might be remotely gay.
So a few weeks passed and I had forgotten the whole incident. I was invited to go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I had loved going to ever since I was 16(I was around 20 at this point). In Virginia Beach, the movie is completely different than in Fairfax(where I used to go and watch the midnight movie). In Fairfax, everyone hung-out on the floor in front of the screen and just did whatever they pleased. Well, in Virginia Beach there were actors portraying each character that actually acted out each scene on a stage in front of the screen. Other people participated, but mostly from their own seats. It wasn't the free for all that Fairfax was.
So one of my best friends was offered a roll as Rocky. I couldn't wait to go. It had been a few years since I had gone, so I jumped at the chance to go. Well, when we got there I was in shock to find out that most of the cast were the same gay guys that were at the house. I tried to keep my composure, but all I could think of was "Is my friend Gay? Oh my God, what do I do now?" I was freaking out. All this time, I was afraid of gay people and it turns out that my friend is one of them....this just can't be!!! So I asked him what he was doing with all these gay people. He kind of laughed and told me to relax. Then he wanted to know what my problem was, hadn't I ever been around Gay people before. I boldly told him no and that I didn't ever planning on being around them either!!! I did slowly start going over to the "Gay House" as I called it, but I was never comfortable doing so.
A few months went by and one of the guys that started hanging around with us was a black guy that was really feminine. He was very open about being gay. It took me a while to get to the point that I could even talk to him, in fact one time we were in the kitchen and he was like "There is something in your hair...I would get it out, but I'm afraid you might hit me." I told him, yeah don't even think about touching me!! He just kinda laughed and asked me why a guy that is 6' 2' 185lbs is so scared of a guy that is barely 5' 7" 120lbs. I told him, I am not comfortable around gay people. I will say that, I was one to always say what I felt. I figured if I am going to say something about someone, I am going to say it to them first.
After hanging out a few times, I got comfortable enough around him to actually hold a conversation with him. I started asking him why he was gay. I wanted to know why he didn't just "try" to be with women. He told he had tried to be with women many times and it was just gross to him. Then he put it into a perspective for me that just clicked. He said "You know how you look at another man and are not attracted to them at all, well when I look at a women I feel the exact same way."
Over the years we became really good friends. I did actually find out that he liked me, but I will say he always respected the fact that I wasn't gay. Honestly, the only thing he ever did in the manner of hitting on me was, after I moved back to the beach while trying to kick heroin, he ask me if I had ever thought about letting other guys blow me for money. Which I said no, and that was it. I'll even go so far as to admit, I was kinda flattered when I learned that he had a little crush on me.
I had heard for a long time that homophobic people are that way because they are secretly GAY. So for the longest time, I questioned myself "Could I really be gay?" Then I realized, I never have cared what other people think about me or who or what I am. My looks and actions go against everything that is considered normal. If I was gay, I would be proud to be gay. It would just be another explanation into why I was always so different.
I was homophobic because it was something I didn't understand and wouldn't try to understand. I was never taught by my parents to be prejudice, they always taught me to respect and honor everyone, no matter who or what they were. I'm pretty sure my ignorance came from the people I hung out with when I was younger, we always joked on and about gay people, so I thought it was wrong and disgusting. Once I understand what being gay was about though, I was never homophobic again.
I realized that it is so unfair to try to change someone into something they were never meant to be. Not is it only unfair to them, but trying to force a person that is gay into a heterosexuality relationship is so unfair to the other person too. I mean how many times have you heard stories about people that were married and had kids, then years later one of them comes out and the family is left devastated? This isn't fair to anyone.
The way I see it, if someone is lucky enough to find some in this messed up world that they connect with, then they should hold on to them as long as they can. No one should be able to tell them they are wrong!!! Just like it isn't natural for a straight person to be expected to be gay. It isn't natural for someone gay to try to be straight. Being gay isn't a choice!!!! Gay people aren't trying to force straight people to be gay. SO STRAIGHT PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE TRYING TO FORCE GAY PEOPLE TO BE STRAIGHT!!!!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Potential
My whole life I've heard people say "If I only had your (blank) I would do this or I would be that." I know it is suppose to be a compliment. It's just after hearing this statement in so many different ways, for so many years I am starting to think I am just one big disappointment!! The other statement is "You have such potential, don't waste it!"
Let me start out with how I look. I'm 6'2" (and ugly as hell. In fact, I almost take pride in how ugly I really am, but I digress) and I can't count the number of times I had shorter people tell me that if they had my build, they would work out everyday and be huge. I don't know if this is their way of complimenting me on my size, or if they are just letting me know how lazy I really am. Then there is my hair, ever since I can remember I have had the curliest hair in the world. During my teenage years I tried to grow it long. The main problem is, it would only grow out, not down. I would jump into a pool and come out with beads of water on my hair(and I am not joking). Black people would tell me I had some nappy-ass hair. Yes, I had the ultra Afro!! With that being said, I still had women telling me they would pay a fortune to have hair as curly as mine. Now, they wouldn't go out with me, but they did want my hair. I guess it was their way of saying "hey your ugly, but I do like that curly hair." I guess it is just human instinct to try to find the best in people. Also, I realized it was always older women telling me this. They didn't have to worry about me asking them out. Believe me, I learned quick that when people are trying to point out your "good qualities," it really means you are ugly as hell and they are just trying to boost your confidence. Otherwise, they would be saying things like "Wow, I'll bet the lady's line up to get at you" or "I'll bet your fighting them off day and night." You know, for some strange reason, I have never heard those words....Well, unless I'm standing next to someone else. Which is what made me realize. The comments directed at me were mercy compliments.
Now the compliments that I did always get that were sincere were the ones about my talents. The only problem was, once again, I never seem to live up to my potential!! I don't think I could even try to count the number of times I heard "If I had your talent, I would be (blank)."
I think school was the worse, and don't get me wrong, I will be the first to admit I was completely to blame. I mean, I got really good grades, I just thought I knew everything and was too good for school. It was really boring for me, I never did homework, but always came up with a way to get around the system. If I put as much energy into actual doing my work, as I put into getting away with not working, I would have had a 4.0 GPA. The biggest complaint I got during school was, other kids need to learn, not everyone picks this stuff up as easy as you do. I even had one teacher that kicked me out for the last semester because I was such a "class clown." She told me to just come back in an take the final(thinking I would fail) and that would be my grade. She even called me the night before the test to remind me not to miss it. I took the test, and then stood there and watched her grade it. She had the biggest look of disappointment on her face when she had to write that 92 on my paper, but a deal is a deal. Now, when it came to English, I had the worst grammar and my spelling is horrible(thank God for spellcheck), but I can write stories and poetry all day long. So, if my grades started slipping a little bit, I would just ask them to look at my writings and tell me what they thought about them. A little extra credit never hurt. Especially writing things that you knew they were completely into(even if you weren't).
Even in my last year(which was 11th grade) they wouldn't let me drop out. I actually had to go out of my way to get kick out. Which took a lot of work, but those stories are pretty funny. I was a trouble maker, but I was never violent or completely disrespectful about it. Then again, my second to last act was pouring milk over a couple of kids in the hallway and when they busted me, I just put on a grin, paused a minute.....and said "I don't know why you all are crying over a little spilled milk." I must say, even the people in the office were trying not to laugh. It was wrong and let me just state, I was not a bully, it was just a spur of the minute thing that happened.
My final act was in Art class and it was a little bit raunchier, but no one got anything on them. Let me just insert here that I use to always joke with the kids in that class, because most of them were really "pure" people(if you know what I am saying). You could just tell that a few of them were very protected and wholesome. So anyways, my friend took out a condom blew it up and let it go. So I grabbed it, went to the sink and filled it up with water. I turned around with it dangling in front of my crotch and yelled out "Anyone ever seen one of these" wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. My teacher was laughing, but grabbed me up and hauled me off to the Administrators office, I think she thought I actually pulled it out, but I wasn't going to correct her. That was it, I finally got what I wanted....I was out!!!
I know I have gone off topic like always, but let me just say, I paid for those mistakes. I got my G.E.D and my associates degree in Computer Tech. which took a lot of work, but I got like a 3.5 G.P.A. It would have been higher, but I got sick and made up a bunch of tests which I could only get a "Passing" grade on and it brought my G.P.A. way down, I should have just dropped the classes and started over!!
I guess the whole point of this blog is me trying to figure out if I should have realize a long time ago that all these people telling me I need to live up to my potential is their way of telling me I am just a lazy piece of shit. I guess they don't realize that with all this potential there is a downside. I mean look at most of the great writers and philosophers, most of them were really messed up. There is a fine line between greatness and insanity. Maybe one day I will know which category I fall into. To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way!!!
Let me start out with how I look. I'm 6'2" (and ugly as hell. In fact, I almost take pride in how ugly I really am, but I digress) and I can't count the number of times I had shorter people tell me that if they had my build, they would work out everyday and be huge. I don't know if this is their way of complimenting me on my size, or if they are just letting me know how lazy I really am. Then there is my hair, ever since I can remember I have had the curliest hair in the world. During my teenage years I tried to grow it long. The main problem is, it would only grow out, not down. I would jump into a pool and come out with beads of water on my hair(and I am not joking). Black people would tell me I had some nappy-ass hair. Yes, I had the ultra Afro!! With that being said, I still had women telling me they would pay a fortune to have hair as curly as mine. Now, they wouldn't go out with me, but they did want my hair. I guess it was their way of saying "hey your ugly, but I do like that curly hair." I guess it is just human instinct to try to find the best in people. Also, I realized it was always older women telling me this. They didn't have to worry about me asking them out. Believe me, I learned quick that when people are trying to point out your "good qualities," it really means you are ugly as hell and they are just trying to boost your confidence. Otherwise, they would be saying things like "Wow, I'll bet the lady's line up to get at you" or "I'll bet your fighting them off day and night." You know, for some strange reason, I have never heard those words....Well, unless I'm standing next to someone else. Which is what made me realize. The comments directed at me were mercy compliments.
Now the compliments that I did always get that were sincere were the ones about my talents. The only problem was, once again, I never seem to live up to my potential!! I don't think I could even try to count the number of times I heard "If I had your talent, I would be (blank)."
I think school was the worse, and don't get me wrong, I will be the first to admit I was completely to blame. I mean, I got really good grades, I just thought I knew everything and was too good for school. It was really boring for me, I never did homework, but always came up with a way to get around the system. If I put as much energy into actual doing my work, as I put into getting away with not working, I would have had a 4.0 GPA. The biggest complaint I got during school was, other kids need to learn, not everyone picks this stuff up as easy as you do. I even had one teacher that kicked me out for the last semester because I was such a "class clown." She told me to just come back in an take the final(thinking I would fail) and that would be my grade. She even called me the night before the test to remind me not to miss it. I took the test, and then stood there and watched her grade it. She had the biggest look of disappointment on her face when she had to write that 92 on my paper, but a deal is a deal. Now, when it came to English, I had the worst grammar and my spelling is horrible(thank God for spellcheck), but I can write stories and poetry all day long. So, if my grades started slipping a little bit, I would just ask them to look at my writings and tell me what they thought about them. A little extra credit never hurt. Especially writing things that you knew they were completely into(even if you weren't).
Even in my last year(which was 11th grade) they wouldn't let me drop out. I actually had to go out of my way to get kick out. Which took a lot of work, but those stories are pretty funny. I was a trouble maker, but I was never violent or completely disrespectful about it. Then again, my second to last act was pouring milk over a couple of kids in the hallway and when they busted me, I just put on a grin, paused a minute.....and said "I don't know why you all are crying over a little spilled milk." I must say, even the people in the office were trying not to laugh. It was wrong and let me just state, I was not a bully, it was just a spur of the minute thing that happened.
My final act was in Art class and it was a little bit raunchier, but no one got anything on them. Let me just insert here that I use to always joke with the kids in that class, because most of them were really "pure" people(if you know what I am saying). You could just tell that a few of them were very protected and wholesome. So anyways, my friend took out a condom blew it up and let it go. So I grabbed it, went to the sink and filled it up with water. I turned around with it dangling in front of my crotch and yelled out "Anyone ever seen one of these" wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. My teacher was laughing, but grabbed me up and hauled me off to the Administrators office, I think she thought I actually pulled it out, but I wasn't going to correct her. That was it, I finally got what I wanted....I was out!!!
I know I have gone off topic like always, but let me just say, I paid for those mistakes. I got my G.E.D and my associates degree in Computer Tech. which took a lot of work, but I got like a 3.5 G.P.A. It would have been higher, but I got sick and made up a bunch of tests which I could only get a "Passing" grade on and it brought my G.P.A. way down, I should have just dropped the classes and started over!!
I guess the whole point of this blog is me trying to figure out if I should have realize a long time ago that all these people telling me I need to live up to my potential is their way of telling me I am just a lazy piece of shit. I guess they don't realize that with all this potential there is a downside. I mean look at most of the great writers and philosophers, most of them were really messed up. There is a fine line between greatness and insanity. Maybe one day I will know which category I fall into. To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way!!!
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