Showing posts with label Getting High. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Getting High. Show all posts
Sunday, November 11, 2012
One Last Fall
All the pain and the shame that the drugs represent
Falling and Crawling into a fucked up life of descent
Cracked up, Smacked up, you have no will to fight
Don't care, if it's fair, this shit takes over your life
Get clean for the dream, then it all just falls apart
Fucking junkie so unlucky, right back to the start
Rip a hole in your soul, for a life that can't exist
One more hit, shoot more shit, no way to resist
Sobriety keeps calling, but you keep falling
Into the pain, to the needle your chained
It only takes time,till the drugs make you blind
It's a habit again, say goodbye to your friends
Nobody cares, a junkies life is despair
Don't be mislead cause your already dead
One last fall, you fucking junkie
Why can't you see
One last fall, you fucking junkie
What has happened to me?
One last fall, you fucking junkie
You new all the risks
One last fall, you fucking junkie
You won't even be missed
Drug Rituals
I think it’s funny, but for some reason every drug has a special ritual. Not only that, but it also seems like every individual also has their own ritual to go with each drug that they do. Whether it’s actually doing the drug, or preparing to do the drug, there are always different procedures involved with getting high.
If a person gets involved deep enough, the whole process, from getting the money, to calling and even meeting to get the drugs, all become part of the process. I’ve even known people that seemed more attached to everything other than the actual drug. Especially with your harder drugs like crack and heroin.
With crack, the whole preparation leading up to doing the drug can be a whole process in itself. A lot of people use glass “stems” to smoke their crack with. They are a small(only about 4 to 5 inches long), straight glass cylinder and they usually come with a little rose inside them. Why I do not know, I guess it is to cover up what they are really intended for. Even though everyone already knows. In order to be able to use these stems, first you have to get some chore boy, which is actually steel wool. This is used to filter out the impurities and keep the crack from melting into the glass pipe too fast. The problem is, you can’t just stuff chore boy into the pipe. First you have to burn off all of the coating so your only smoking crack and not a bunch of chemicals. Then after you get all that ready, you take a few hits and then push the chore boy back and forth(usually with like a coat-hanger that has been cut, long enough to go all the way through the pipe) to get up all the resin for a better hit. Though, some people just wait until they have smoked a whole bunch, that way, when they “push the pipe” the resin hit, is a big hit(which is actually even better because it is pure coke resin and not whatever else they cut the crack with) all in itself.
Though not everyone has access to getting a glass pipe, I have seen people use all kind of things to smoke their “rocks” with. Mostly some kind of straight hollow object, filled with chore boy. A lot of people will break off antennas from cars, not only for the pipe, but also to use as a pusher too. They will wrap one side(usually with electrical tape) so they don’t burn their lips while smoking. Though I’ve seen people get the pipe so hot, it is unavoidable, and they don’t even seem to care. Anything to get that big hit!! Also, I’ve seen people use sockets from a socket wrench set, it is pretty crazy what people will come up with in a pinch.
The last thing, and probably the most common thing for people to use, is a can(beer or soda, it doesn’t matter). They will take the can, push in one side, and then poke a bunch of holes where they indented the can. I have also seen a lot of people use cans to smoke just about anything that is smoke-able but I think crack is the most prevalent. Then, depending on the person they might punch a hole in one side(some on top and some on bottom), this is use as a “shotgun”, to get all the smoke faster after taking the hit. I have seen some pretty crazy can configurations, and every crackhead thinks that they make the best can.
Now heroin has just as many rituals. From cooking up the drug, to how and where you are going to get that drug into your system. Everyone has their own techniques, and they are developed over time, as the person’s habit progresses. The biggest ritual is actually getting(or hitting) the drug into your system. The longer you are an addict, the harder this can get. Especially when you start blowing out veins. Most addicts lose access to their veins, from either trying to hit in one place too much or from missing the shot(this can cause big abscess’s which usually have to be drained or at least treated).
Since Heroin has to be cooked(most of the time), most people bring a cooker with them, that is unless they wait until they get home to do their shot. Which is another ritual in itself, pulling over as fast as you can, after you have copped(gotten your drugs). These days, a lot of big cities have needle exchange programs(which are saving a lot of lives and a lot of people from disease), these programs offer many items that the addict needs to get high with(other than just the needles). The cookers they offer are aluminium and they look just like a twist off bottle cap(without the threads). Back before the needle exchange(and still in a pinch)people would take the bottom off a can and use that as their cooker. Some people use spoons, but spoons are more of a Hollywood movie thing, because they can spill very easy.
Once your dope is cooked, you’ll need to use a small piece of cotton in the cooker to draw up your dope. Not only does this make it easy to draw up, but it also filters out the impurities. Most people will just rip off a small piece from a cigarette, but needle exchanges do hand out packages with little balls of cotton. Some addicts will use the same gear over and over, this is what leads to infections and contaminated dope. Also, if you aren’t careful, you can get cotton fever. This is from drawing up your dope and not noticing a small piece of cotton(sometimes it’s so small its not even visible) on the needle and then injecting it into your system. Cotton fever, will make you feel feverish and give you flu like symptoms for about 4 hours.
Which brings me to the needles, most people start out with diabetics. They are pretty easy to get, either from the needle exchange or like the old way, go to the pharmacist and tell them you are a diabetic. Most junkies even know the different types of insulin used, just in case the pharmacist ask you. Unfortunately, after years off use, most addict lose access to their veins. Which leads to going deeper and using larger needles. The groin or the neck is usually the next choice. Which can last a very long time, but also leave scares over time. Eventually, these spots will also collapse. As years pass, most addict are covered with scars, either from missing and having abscess’s or from just repeatedly hitting in the same place.
I guess in conclusion, all drugs have their different techniques, that over time just become a natural part of the drug being used. It’s crazy to think, at first these drugs are so scary and most people wouldn’t even consider ANY of these rituals. Fact is, the more immersed you become in any drug. The more immune you become!! You find yourself doing thing that would terrify most people(and even terrified yourself, before you started). Which is how most addict end up dying or catching any variety of diseases. No one wants the life of a junkie or crackhead. All it takes is a few times and you are hooked.
If a person gets involved deep enough, the whole process, from getting the money, to calling and even meeting to get the drugs, all become part of the process. I’ve even known people that seemed more attached to everything other than the actual drug. Especially with your harder drugs like crack and heroin.
With crack, the whole preparation leading up to doing the drug can be a whole process in itself. A lot of people use glass “stems” to smoke their crack with. They are a small(only about 4 to 5 inches long), straight glass cylinder and they usually come with a little rose inside them. Why I do not know, I guess it is to cover up what they are really intended for. Even though everyone already knows. In order to be able to use these stems, first you have to get some chore boy, which is actually steel wool. This is used to filter out the impurities and keep the crack from melting into the glass pipe too fast. The problem is, you can’t just stuff chore boy into the pipe. First you have to burn off all of the coating so your only smoking crack and not a bunch of chemicals. Then after you get all that ready, you take a few hits and then push the chore boy back and forth(usually with like a coat-hanger that has been cut, long enough to go all the way through the pipe) to get up all the resin for a better hit. Though, some people just wait until they have smoked a whole bunch, that way, when they “push the pipe” the resin hit, is a big hit(which is actually even better because it is pure coke resin and not whatever else they cut the crack with) all in itself.
Though not everyone has access to getting a glass pipe, I have seen people use all kind of things to smoke their “rocks” with. Mostly some kind of straight hollow object, filled with chore boy. A lot of people will break off antennas from cars, not only for the pipe, but also to use as a pusher too. They will wrap one side(usually with electrical tape) so they don’t burn their lips while smoking. Though I’ve seen people get the pipe so hot, it is unavoidable, and they don’t even seem to care. Anything to get that big hit!! Also, I’ve seen people use sockets from a socket wrench set, it is pretty crazy what people will come up with in a pinch.
The last thing, and probably the most common thing for people to use, is a can(beer or soda, it doesn’t matter). They will take the can, push in one side, and then poke a bunch of holes where they indented the can. I have also seen a lot of people use cans to smoke just about anything that is smoke-able but I think crack is the most prevalent. Then, depending on the person they might punch a hole in one side(some on top and some on bottom), this is use as a “shotgun”, to get all the smoke faster after taking the hit. I have seen some pretty crazy can configurations, and every crackhead thinks that they make the best can.
Now heroin has just as many rituals. From cooking up the drug, to how and where you are going to get that drug into your system. Everyone has their own techniques, and they are developed over time, as the person’s habit progresses. The biggest ritual is actually getting(or hitting) the drug into your system. The longer you are an addict, the harder this can get. Especially when you start blowing out veins. Most addicts lose access to their veins, from either trying to hit in one place too much or from missing the shot(this can cause big abscess’s which usually have to be drained or at least treated).
Since Heroin has to be cooked(most of the time), most people bring a cooker with them, that is unless they wait until they get home to do their shot. Which is another ritual in itself, pulling over as fast as you can, after you have copped(gotten your drugs). These days, a lot of big cities have needle exchange programs(which are saving a lot of lives and a lot of people from disease), these programs offer many items that the addict needs to get high with(other than just the needles). The cookers they offer are aluminium and they look just like a twist off bottle cap(without the threads). Back before the needle exchange(and still in a pinch)people would take the bottom off a can and use that as their cooker. Some people use spoons, but spoons are more of a Hollywood movie thing, because they can spill very easy.
Once your dope is cooked, you’ll need to use a small piece of cotton in the cooker to draw up your dope. Not only does this make it easy to draw up, but it also filters out the impurities. Most people will just rip off a small piece from a cigarette, but needle exchanges do hand out packages with little balls of cotton. Some addicts will use the same gear over and over, this is what leads to infections and contaminated dope. Also, if you aren’t careful, you can get cotton fever. This is from drawing up your dope and not noticing a small piece of cotton(sometimes it’s so small its not even visible) on the needle and then injecting it into your system. Cotton fever, will make you feel feverish and give you flu like symptoms for about 4 hours.
Which brings me to the needles, most people start out with diabetics. They are pretty easy to get, either from the needle exchange or like the old way, go to the pharmacist and tell them you are a diabetic. Most junkies even know the different types of insulin used, just in case the pharmacist ask you. Unfortunately, after years off use, most addict lose access to their veins. Which leads to going deeper and using larger needles. The groin or the neck is usually the next choice. Which can last a very long time, but also leave scares over time. Eventually, these spots will also collapse. As years pass, most addict are covered with scars, either from missing and having abscess’s or from just repeatedly hitting in the same place.
I guess in conclusion, all drugs have their different techniques, that over time just become a natural part of the drug being used. It’s crazy to think, at first these drugs are so scary and most people wouldn’t even consider ANY of these rituals. Fact is, the more immersed you become in any drug. The more immune you become!! You find yourself doing thing that would terrify most people(and even terrified yourself, before you started). Which is how most addict end up dying or catching any variety of diseases. No one wants the life of a junkie or crackhead. All it takes is a few times and you are hooked.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Quitting to Get High
The one thing that has always been there for me is Heroin. I started dabbling with it when I was 17, then pretty much quit for about 5yrs., after I move to the beach. Then I moved back to the D.C. area I got re-acquainted with it really quick, and have been in love ever since.
I've lost many friends, and had my heart broken over and over, but heroin(except when I'm broke or sick) has been there to help pull me through it all. That is what always makes it so hard to quit. It's like breaking up with someone that you know you can always go back to.
I can't even count the number of people that have tried to get me to quit, mostly through guilt. Knowing in my heart the whole time I had no intentions of quitting. Of coarse, I would try to get clean. I've been through so many different treatment, and no of them worked. I mean how could it? Sobriety is something you have to want, not something you are forced to do!!
I mean there were a couple of times that I put myself in treatment. Don't get me wrong though, it wasn't to get clean. For the most part it was because my habit was getting too expensive and I had to cut back, so I would go into treatment. I would get clean and start all over again. Sound crazy? Well, not to me!! I have never been able to picture a life without heroin. I have never wanted to be completely clean. It just makes my life totally worthless!!
In 2007, my life took a horrible turn. I lost my job, because my boss wanted to build a house for his sister. The whole job was a nightmare and we ended up losing our steady jobs. Of coarse after that happened, who is going to hire a person with an addiction. Even though getting high only effected my working abilities once, finding a job is almost impossible. I could of tried to keep it secret, but having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer is a dead give away. Not to mention, I am horrible when it comes to finding work. Most of the jobs I have had have been given to me. Which explains why I have an Associates Degree in computer technology, but I am a really good Carpenter. Finding work for me is really hard, but I will say that once I start a job, I usually am one of the top workers, no matter what the job is. I have no problem picking up a broom and doing work most people would consider remedial. My philosophy is the work has to be done and someone has to do it, so instead of complaining, just get it done!!! I try to never say no when it comes to people asking me to work. No matter how difficult it is. I have always loved to learn, most people are stuck in their ways and think they know what is right. My attitude is, I can always learn something new, even if it is someone not as experienced, there is always something they might do differently. I would say it is one of my strongest qualities. That and loyalty
So after that happened I couldn't afford to support my habit anymore. I had no choice but to start back on methadone, I haven't worked since. There are the occasional days that I am able to get high. On these days, I can accomplish everything.
I have spent the last 4 months weening myself off of the methadone, I am now down to 5mg!!! I am coming off 1mg every week, and believe me, I feel every MG. To me it is worth it. I still find myself messing around though, even though it is not at all on a schedule or planned, I manage to indulge in heroin about once or twice a month, if that. I have just realized that America will never start a Heroin Assisted Treatment Program and the only way I can stay off of methadone, is to stay away from everything. I mean, the whole process of getting high, from waiting around, to getting bad stuff, to dealing with the police is just not worth the happiness I experience when I get high. I just have to except that I am never going to be able to achieve that happiness again. The only alternative, is to move to a country which has these programs. I have even had counselors tell me that I need to do this.
It took me a long time to realize that the majority of people have no understanding of drugs. Trying to explain that my life would be 100% better if I could be medical administered heroin, just sounds crazy to most people. The honest and most sobering realization that I have had, was the fact that people would rather see me miserable and completely useless, rather than happy and on heroin. I realize the whole concept is one that sounds to most people like an excuse, but in my case it is the truth.
The truth of the matter is(and I am not bragging), that I never was a bad person on heroin. I know the stereo-type about junkies is that they can't be trusted and they have lost all their morals. This simply is the opposite with me, heroin actually let me be a better person. I worked hard for my habit!! I opened up more and even found a closer relationship with God. It made me realize that I didn't need other drugs(especially Alcohol, which by the way is ten times worse and I despise) because I was content with life and finally normal for once in my life.
Since I have been weening off of methadone and not really getting high at all, I have noticed a big difference. I no longer go to church every Sunday, I no longer care as much about myself. I guess it is just something I have to get use to and except. Because, believe me, I want (for once in a very long time) to be free. If someone asks me to go somewhere, I want the option to go. I haven't left the D.C. area in over a decade!! So I guess the bottom line is... this time, I am not only quitting so I can get high again, this time I am just plain quitting!!!
I've lost many friends, and had my heart broken over and over, but heroin(except when I'm broke or sick) has been there to help pull me through it all. That is what always makes it so hard to quit. It's like breaking up with someone that you know you can always go back to.
I can't even count the number of people that have tried to get me to quit, mostly through guilt. Knowing in my heart the whole time I had no intentions of quitting. Of coarse, I would try to get clean. I've been through so many different treatment, and no of them worked. I mean how could it? Sobriety is something you have to want, not something you are forced to do!!
I mean there were a couple of times that I put myself in treatment. Don't get me wrong though, it wasn't to get clean. For the most part it was because my habit was getting too expensive and I had to cut back, so I would go into treatment. I would get clean and start all over again. Sound crazy? Well, not to me!! I have never been able to picture a life without heroin. I have never wanted to be completely clean. It just makes my life totally worthless!!
In 2007, my life took a horrible turn. I lost my job, because my boss wanted to build a house for his sister. The whole job was a nightmare and we ended up losing our steady jobs. Of coarse after that happened, who is going to hire a person with an addiction. Even though getting high only effected my working abilities once, finding a job is almost impossible. I could of tried to keep it secret, but having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer is a dead give away. Not to mention, I am horrible when it comes to finding work. Most of the jobs I have had have been given to me. Which explains why I have an Associates Degree in computer technology, but I am a really good Carpenter. Finding work for me is really hard, but I will say that once I start a job, I usually am one of the top workers, no matter what the job is. I have no problem picking up a broom and doing work most people would consider remedial. My philosophy is the work has to be done and someone has to do it, so instead of complaining, just get it done!!! I try to never say no when it comes to people asking me to work. No matter how difficult it is. I have always loved to learn, most people are stuck in their ways and think they know what is right. My attitude is, I can always learn something new, even if it is someone not as experienced, there is always something they might do differently. I would say it is one of my strongest qualities. That and loyalty
So after that happened I couldn't afford to support my habit anymore. I had no choice but to start back on methadone, I haven't worked since. There are the occasional days that I am able to get high. On these days, I can accomplish everything.
I have spent the last 4 months weening myself off of the methadone, I am now down to 5mg!!! I am coming off 1mg every week, and believe me, I feel every MG. To me it is worth it. I still find myself messing around though, even though it is not at all on a schedule or planned, I manage to indulge in heroin about once or twice a month, if that. I have just realized that America will never start a Heroin Assisted Treatment Program and the only way I can stay off of methadone, is to stay away from everything. I mean, the whole process of getting high, from waiting around, to getting bad stuff, to dealing with the police is just not worth the happiness I experience when I get high. I just have to except that I am never going to be able to achieve that happiness again. The only alternative, is to move to a country which has these programs. I have even had counselors tell me that I need to do this.
It took me a long time to realize that the majority of people have no understanding of drugs. Trying to explain that my life would be 100% better if I could be medical administered heroin, just sounds crazy to most people. The honest and most sobering realization that I have had, was the fact that people would rather see me miserable and completely useless, rather than happy and on heroin. I realize the whole concept is one that sounds to most people like an excuse, but in my case it is the truth.
The truth of the matter is(and I am not bragging), that I never was a bad person on heroin. I know the stereo-type about junkies is that they can't be trusted and they have lost all their morals. This simply is the opposite with me, heroin actually let me be a better person. I worked hard for my habit!! I opened up more and even found a closer relationship with God. It made me realize that I didn't need other drugs(especially Alcohol, which by the way is ten times worse and I despise) because I was content with life and finally normal for once in my life.
Since I have been weening off of methadone and not really getting high at all, I have noticed a big difference. I no longer go to church every Sunday, I no longer care as much about myself. I guess it is just something I have to get use to and except. Because, believe me, I want (for once in a very long time) to be free. If someone asks me to go somewhere, I want the option to go. I haven't left the D.C. area in over a decade!! So I guess the bottom line is... this time, I am not only quitting so I can get high again, this time I am just plain quitting!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)