Potential

    My whole life I've heard people say "If I only had your (blank) I would do this or I would be that." I know it is suppose to be a compliment. It's just after hearing this statement in so many different ways, for so many years I am starting to think I am just one big disappointment!! The other statement is "You have such potential, don't waste it!"
       Let me start out with how I look. I'm 6'2" (and ugly as hell. In fact, I almost take pride in how ugly I really am, but I digress) and I can't count the number of times I had shorter people tell me that if they had my build, they would work out everyday and be huge. I don't know if this is their way of complimenting me on my size, or if they are just letting me know how lazy I really am. Then there is my hair, ever since I can remember I have had the curliest hair in the world. During my teenage years I tried to grow it long. The main problem is, it would only grow out, not down. I would jump into a pool and come out with beads of water on my hair(and I am not joking). Black people would tell me I had some nappy-ass hair. Yes, I had the ultra Afro!! With that being said, I still had women telling me they would pay a fortune to have hair as curly as mine. Now, they wouldn't go out with me, but they did want my hair. I guess it was their way of saying "hey your ugly, but I do like that curly hair." I guess it is just human instinct to try to find the best in people. Also, I realized it was always older women telling me this. They didn't have to worry about me asking them out. Believe me, I learned quick that when people are trying to point out your "good qualities," it really means you are ugly as hell and they are just trying to boost your confidence. Otherwise, they would be saying things like "Wow, I'll  bet the lady's line up to get at you" or "I'll bet your fighting them off day and night." You know, for some strange reason, I have never heard those words....Well, unless I'm standing next to someone else. Which is what made me realize. The comments directed at me were mercy compliments.
        Now the compliments that I did always get that were sincere were the ones about my talents. The only problem was, once again, I never seem to live up to my potential!! I don't think I could even try to count the number of times I heard "If I had your talent, I would be (blank)."
        I think school was the worse, and don't get me wrong, I will be the first to admit I was completely to blame. I mean, I got really good grades, I just thought I knew everything and was too good for school. It was really boring for me, I never did homework, but always came up with a way to get around the system. If I put as much energy into actual doing my work, as I put into getting away with not working, I would have had a 4.0 GPA. The biggest complaint I got during school was, other kids need to learn, not everyone picks this stuff up as easy as you do. I even had one teacher that kicked me out for the last semester because I was such a "class clown." She told me to just come back in an take the final(thinking I would fail) and that would be my grade. She even called me the night before the test to remind me not to miss it. I took the test, and then stood there and watched her grade it. She had the biggest look of disappointment on her face when she had to write that 92 on my paper, but a deal is a deal. Now, when it came to English, I had the worst grammar and my spelling is horrible(thank God for spellcheck), but I can write stories and poetry all day long. So, if my grades started slipping a little bit, I would just ask them to look at my writings and tell me what they thought about them. A little extra credit never hurt. Especially writing things that you knew they were completely into(even if you weren't).
         Even in my last year(which was 11th grade) they wouldn't let me drop out. I actually had to go out of my way to get kick out. Which took a lot of work, but those stories are pretty funny. I was a trouble maker, but I was never violent or completely disrespectful about it. Then again, my second to last act was pouring milk over a couple of kids in the hallway and when they busted me, I just put on a grin, paused a minute.....and said "I don't know why you all are crying over a little spilled milk." I must say, even the people in the office were trying not to laugh. It was wrong and let me just state, I was not a bully, it was just a spur of the minute thing that happened.
        My final act was in Art class and it was a little bit raunchier, but no one got anything on them. Let me just insert here that I use to always joke with the kids in that class, because most of them were really "pure" people(if you know what I am saying). You could just tell that a few of them were very protected and wholesome. So anyways, my friend took out a condom blew it up and let it go. So I grabbed it, went to the sink and filled it up with water. I turned around with it dangling in front of my crotch and yelled out "Anyone ever seen one of these" wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. My teacher was laughing, but grabbed me up and hauled me off to the Administrators office, I think she thought I actually pulled it out, but I wasn't going to correct her. That was it, I finally got what I wanted....I was out!!!
       I know I have gone off topic like always, but let me just say, I paid for those mistakes. I got my G.E.D and my associates degree in Computer Tech. which took a lot of work, but I got like a 3.5 G.P.A. It would have been higher, but I got sick and made up a bunch of tests which I could only get a "Passing" grade on and it brought my G.P.A. way down, I should have just dropped the classes and started over!!
        I guess the whole point of this blog is me trying to figure out if I should have realize a long time ago that all these people telling me I need to live up to my potential is their way of telling me I am just a lazy piece of shit. I guess they don't realize that with all this potential there is a downside. I mean look at most of the great writers and philosophers, most of them were really messed up. There is a fine line between greatness and insanity. Maybe one day I will know which category I fall into. To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way!!!

Lost Thoughts

     Well here I am, I feel like writing, but have nothing to write about!!! I was going to write about going back in time to tell yourself what to fix about your life and what you would do differently. The only problem is, I kinda feel like I have already written about this, but I went back an told myself not to do it….. Soooooo, it should be fine….(Bad Joke).
      I am in a very weird mood tonight, so even though I will try to make this about changing the past(I think the fact that most of this subject is based on wish’s and people(in movies) going back to change their past, is the reason I thought I have already written this). I reserve the right to ramble on about anything. So here we go.
      A lot of people are under the impression that if they were to go back an warn themselves about something big they regret doing, everything would change for the better and life would then be perfect from there on out. My biggest problem with this is two things.
      First off, even though it does happen rarely, no one thing is going to change everything in your life. Let say though, for argument sake, that you are one of the lucky ones, you change that one regret and get everything you ever wanted. What happens now? Everything good that has happened stays and everything bad goes? Well, I hate to tell you this, but it doesn’t work that way. That is one thing people don’t think about. If you change the bad, the good goes too. Everything changes, are you willing to give up everything? Also, if you get everything you ever wanted, will you all the sudden be happy? Look at Kurt Cobain, he got everything he always wanted and ended up blowing his brains out!!!
     Second, even if you did manage to change one big mistake, who is to say your life would get better? I mean one of the best ways to learn, is from mistakes. So let’s be logical for a minute, your one big regret is gone. Don’t you think your next mistake might be even bigger? Let’s say your biggest regret was messing up the love of your life. You go back and fix your “big mistake.” Now you get married, maybe have a kid and life seems great. Next thing you know (lets talk movie terms) the whole system is outta balance. So fate steps in and kills your wife and kid, because they were never suppose to exist. So now, not only have you lost your love again, but her family has lost a child and so have you(sounds like a movie, doesn’t it?). Think about it, bad things happen for a reason. The reasons are always clear, but good things do come from tragedy.
       I always wonder what it takes to be truly happy. I am such a skeptical person, that when I see people that seem to always be happy, I think that they are faking it. I mean looking happy and being happy are two completely different things. The funny thing is, that there are people that are content with their lives. This doesn’t mean that they are always happy, or that these people don’t ever have problems. It just means that these people have a different outlook on life. They strive to make each day better than the one before, and to them, adversity is just another challenge to conquer with a positive attitude. Which is what I think is the key to everything.
      Don’t get me wrong, I can be positive. I positively know I hate everything…See!!! I positively know that being miserable is just part of my everyday life. I guess a positive attitude is one thing I was born without. People have told me, it the choices I make and the outlook I have, but I have tried other ways.
      I’ve tried “acting” happy, but that is all it is… ACTING!!! I’ve even convinced the people I was with that their great insights were working. It’s always funny to me, because they start thinking they achieved some great miracle, “See, I knew you could be happy, all you had to do was open up and try!!!” At the same time, I’m thinking “Give me a gun, so I can put a bullet in your skull!!!” Then I would really be HAPPY!!!