Time has come to retrieve your soul
The debt was payed you've gained control
Reach out and collect what's your
Time has come to settle the score
Problems arise and everyone's dead
Fixing all matters and moving ahead
You don't understand how you survived
In that room you should have died
Stop before work, get what you need
Curiosity has planted it's seed
Your taking out the boss's wife
If you fuck up you'll lose your life
Out on the town everything seems fine
You relax a bit and start to unwind
The night is over and the time flies by
Little do you know she is gonna die
Rush and panic just to save her life
Your loyalty will be tested tonight
The night is over and she pulled through
You saved her life, but she saved you
Planning out the heist of your life
Robbery has blinded your sights
You and your girl take over the place
Little do you know what you are about to face
Friday, April 6, 2012
Oceans Of Fury
Souls settle before the dawn
Clouds climb from the sea
Thunder rolls onto the shore
Whispering winds are calling me
Drift out into the madness
Ducking through the tides
Waiting for the perfect moment
To drop down deep inside
Sitting on the calm blue sea
Out beyond the break
Waiting for the perfect ride
Here’s the one I’m gonna take
Dropping down, deep inside
Cutting through the jaws of death
Back up across the break
Adrenalin takes my breath
Caught in the undertow
Tumbled onto the shore
Get back up and grab my board
My soul yearns for more
Clouds climb from the sea
Thunder rolls onto the shore
Whispering winds are calling me
Drift out into the madness
Ducking through the tides
Waiting for the perfect moment
To drop down deep inside
Sitting on the calm blue sea
Out beyond the break
Waiting for the perfect ride
Here’s the one I’m gonna take
Dropping down, deep inside
Cutting through the jaws of death
Back up across the break
Adrenalin takes my breath
Caught in the undertow
Tumbled onto the shore
Get back up and grab my board
My soul yearns for more
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Quitting to Get High
The one thing that has always been there for me is Heroin. I started dabbling with it when I was 17, then pretty much quit for about 5yrs., after I move to the beach. Then I moved back to the D.C. area I got re-acquainted with it really quick, and have been in love ever since.
I've lost many friends, and had my heart broken over and over, but heroin(except when I'm broke or sick) has been there to help pull me through it all. That is what always makes it so hard to quit. It's like breaking up with someone that you know you can always go back to.
I can't even count the number of people that have tried to get me to quit, mostly through guilt. Knowing in my heart the whole time I had no intentions of quitting. Of coarse, I would try to get clean. I've been through so many different treatment, and no of them worked. I mean how could it? Sobriety is something you have to want, not something you are forced to do!!
I mean there were a couple of times that I put myself in treatment. Don't get me wrong though, it wasn't to get clean. For the most part it was because my habit was getting too expensive and I had to cut back, so I would go into treatment. I would get clean and start all over again. Sound crazy? Well, not to me!! I have never been able to picture a life without heroin. I have never wanted to be completely clean. It just makes my life totally worthless!!
In 2007, my life took a horrible turn. I lost my job, because my boss wanted to build a house for his sister. The whole job was a nightmare and we ended up losing our steady jobs. Of coarse after that happened, who is going to hire a person with an addiction. Even though getting high only effected my working abilities once, finding a job is almost impossible. I could of tried to keep it secret, but having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer is a dead give away. Not to mention, I am horrible when it comes to finding work. Most of the jobs I have had have been given to me. Which explains why I have an Associates Degree in computer technology, but I am a really good Carpenter. Finding work for me is really hard, but I will say that once I start a job, I usually am one of the top workers, no matter what the job is. I have no problem picking up a broom and doing work most people would consider remedial. My philosophy is the work has to be done and someone has to do it, so instead of complaining, just get it done!!! I try to never say no when it comes to people asking me to work. No matter how difficult it is. I have always loved to learn, most people are stuck in their ways and think they know what is right. My attitude is, I can always learn something new, even if it is someone not as experienced, there is always something they might do differently. I would say it is one of my strongest qualities. That and loyalty
So after that happened I couldn't afford to support my habit anymore. I had no choice but to start back on methadone, I haven't worked since. There are the occasional days that I am able to get high. On these days, I can accomplish everything.
I have spent the last 4 months weening myself off of the methadone, I am now down to 5mg!!! I am coming off 1mg every week, and believe me, I feel every MG. To me it is worth it. I still find myself messing around though, even though it is not at all on a schedule or planned, I manage to indulge in heroin about once or twice a month, if that. I have just realized that America will never start a Heroin Assisted Treatment Program and the only way I can stay off of methadone, is to stay away from everything. I mean, the whole process of getting high, from waiting around, to getting bad stuff, to dealing with the police is just not worth the happiness I experience when I get high. I just have to except that I am never going to be able to achieve that happiness again. The only alternative, is to move to a country which has these programs. I have even had counselors tell me that I need to do this.
It took me a long time to realize that the majority of people have no understanding of drugs. Trying to explain that my life would be 100% better if I could be medical administered heroin, just sounds crazy to most people. The honest and most sobering realization that I have had, was the fact that people would rather see me miserable and completely useless, rather than happy and on heroin. I realize the whole concept is one that sounds to most people like an excuse, but in my case it is the truth.
The truth of the matter is(and I am not bragging), that I never was a bad person on heroin. I know the stereo-type about junkies is that they can't be trusted and they have lost all their morals. This simply is the opposite with me, heroin actually let me be a better person. I worked hard for my habit!! I opened up more and even found a closer relationship with God. It made me realize that I didn't need other drugs(especially Alcohol, which by the way is ten times worse and I despise) because I was content with life and finally normal for once in my life.
Since I have been weening off of methadone and not really getting high at all, I have noticed a big difference. I no longer go to church every Sunday, I no longer care as much about myself. I guess it is just something I have to get use to and except. Because, believe me, I want (for once in a very long time) to be free. If someone asks me to go somewhere, I want the option to go. I haven't left the D.C. area in over a decade!! So I guess the bottom line is... this time, I am not only quitting so I can get high again, this time I am just plain quitting!!!
I've lost many friends, and had my heart broken over and over, but heroin(except when I'm broke or sick) has been there to help pull me through it all. That is what always makes it so hard to quit. It's like breaking up with someone that you know you can always go back to.
I can't even count the number of people that have tried to get me to quit, mostly through guilt. Knowing in my heart the whole time I had no intentions of quitting. Of coarse, I would try to get clean. I've been through so many different treatment, and no of them worked. I mean how could it? Sobriety is something you have to want, not something you are forced to do!!
I mean there were a couple of times that I put myself in treatment. Don't get me wrong though, it wasn't to get clean. For the most part it was because my habit was getting too expensive and I had to cut back, so I would go into treatment. I would get clean and start all over again. Sound crazy? Well, not to me!! I have never been able to picture a life without heroin. I have never wanted to be completely clean. It just makes my life totally worthless!!
In 2007, my life took a horrible turn. I lost my job, because my boss wanted to build a house for his sister. The whole job was a nightmare and we ended up losing our steady jobs. Of coarse after that happened, who is going to hire a person with an addiction. Even though getting high only effected my working abilities once, finding a job is almost impossible. I could of tried to keep it secret, but having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer is a dead give away. Not to mention, I am horrible when it comes to finding work. Most of the jobs I have had have been given to me. Which explains why I have an Associates Degree in computer technology, but I am a really good Carpenter. Finding work for me is really hard, but I will say that once I start a job, I usually am one of the top workers, no matter what the job is. I have no problem picking up a broom and doing work most people would consider remedial. My philosophy is the work has to be done and someone has to do it, so instead of complaining, just get it done!!! I try to never say no when it comes to people asking me to work. No matter how difficult it is. I have always loved to learn, most people are stuck in their ways and think they know what is right. My attitude is, I can always learn something new, even if it is someone not as experienced, there is always something they might do differently. I would say it is one of my strongest qualities. That and loyalty
So after that happened I couldn't afford to support my habit anymore. I had no choice but to start back on methadone, I haven't worked since. There are the occasional days that I am able to get high. On these days, I can accomplish everything.
I have spent the last 4 months weening myself off of the methadone, I am now down to 5mg!!! I am coming off 1mg every week, and believe me, I feel every MG. To me it is worth it. I still find myself messing around though, even though it is not at all on a schedule or planned, I manage to indulge in heroin about once or twice a month, if that. I have just realized that America will never start a Heroin Assisted Treatment Program and the only way I can stay off of methadone, is to stay away from everything. I mean, the whole process of getting high, from waiting around, to getting bad stuff, to dealing with the police is just not worth the happiness I experience when I get high. I just have to except that I am never going to be able to achieve that happiness again. The only alternative, is to move to a country which has these programs. I have even had counselors tell me that I need to do this.
It took me a long time to realize that the majority of people have no understanding of drugs. Trying to explain that my life would be 100% better if I could be medical administered heroin, just sounds crazy to most people. The honest and most sobering realization that I have had, was the fact that people would rather see me miserable and completely useless, rather than happy and on heroin. I realize the whole concept is one that sounds to most people like an excuse, but in my case it is the truth.
The truth of the matter is(and I am not bragging), that I never was a bad person on heroin. I know the stereo-type about junkies is that they can't be trusted and they have lost all their morals. This simply is the opposite with me, heroin actually let me be a better person. I worked hard for my habit!! I opened up more and even found a closer relationship with God. It made me realize that I didn't need other drugs(especially Alcohol, which by the way is ten times worse and I despise) because I was content with life and finally normal for once in my life.
Since I have been weening off of methadone and not really getting high at all, I have noticed a big difference. I no longer go to church every Sunday, I no longer care as much about myself. I guess it is just something I have to get use to and except. Because, believe me, I want (for once in a very long time) to be free. If someone asks me to go somewhere, I want the option to go. I haven't left the D.C. area in over a decade!! So I guess the bottom line is... this time, I am not only quitting so I can get high again, this time I am just plain quitting!!!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
How Quickly We Fall
Looking back I can't believe the life I've left behind
Expectations and the goals I set quickly changed with time
The life I planned differs from the life I lived,everything has changed
The hardest thing to except, is I'm the only one to blame
I know where I went wrong, I just can't explain whyLife seem to hold the answers, all I had to do was tryI let disappointment discourage me, from all that I desired
I lost the will to carry on, my life is uninspired
It's been so long and I fallen so far, I'm no longer in control
I've stared into the face of death, as it ripped into my soul
I climbed back up just to lose again, will I ever reach my goal?
I don't know how to ask for help, I'll just let my life unfold
Desire and drive, a passion for life, who can predict their fate?
The more shit life throws at you,the more you can relate
Everyone's there to give advice and let you know the deal
Until they lose everything, they''ll never know how it feels
Tell me what it takes to be happy, I've heard it all beforeGive me the skills to cope and I'll destroy my life some moreThe harder I try to live life right, the more it knocks me down
My soul was lost years ago, just bury me in the ground
Expectations and the goals I set quickly changed with time
The life I planned differs from the life I lived,everything has changed
The hardest thing to except, is I'm the only one to blame
I know where I went wrong, I just can't explain whyLife seem to hold the answers, all I had to do was tryI let disappointment discourage me, from all that I desired
I lost the will to carry on, my life is uninspired
It's been so long and I fallen so far, I'm no longer in control
I've stared into the face of death, as it ripped into my soul
I climbed back up just to lose again, will I ever reach my goal?
I don't know how to ask for help, I'll just let my life unfold
Desire and drive, a passion for life, who can predict their fate?
The more shit life throws at you,the more you can relate
Everyone's there to give advice and let you know the deal
Until they lose everything, they''ll never know how it feels
Tell me what it takes to be happy, I've heard it all beforeGive me the skills to cope and I'll destroy my life some moreThe harder I try to live life right, the more it knocks me down
My soul was lost years ago, just bury me in the ground
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