I think it’s funny, but for some reason every drug has a special ritual. Not only that, but it also seems like every individual also has their own ritual to go with each drug that they do. Whether it’s actually doing the drug, or preparing to do the drug, there are always different procedures involved with getting high.
If a person gets involved deep enough, the whole process, from getting the money, to calling and even meeting to get the drugs, all become part of the process. I’ve even known people that seemed more attached to everything other than the actual drug. Especially with your harder drugs like crack and heroin.
With crack, the whole preparation leading up to doing the drug can be a whole process in itself. A lot of people use glass “stems” to smoke their crack with. They are a small(only about 4 to 5 inches long), straight glass cylinder and they usually come with a little rose inside them. Why I do not know, I guess it is to cover up what they are really intended for. Even though everyone already knows. In order to be able to use these stems, first you have to get some chore boy, which is actually steel wool. This is used to filter out the impurities and keep the crack from melting into the glass pipe too fast. The problem is, you can’t just stuff chore boy into the pipe. First you have to burn off all of the coating so your only smoking crack and not a bunch of chemicals. Then after you get all that ready, you take a few hits and then push the chore boy back and forth(usually with like a coat-hanger that has been cut, long enough to go all the way through the pipe) to get up all the resin for a better hit. Though, some people just wait until they have smoked a whole bunch, that way, when they “push the pipe” the resin hit, is a big hit(which is actually even better because it is pure coke resin and not whatever else they cut the crack with) all in itself.
Though not everyone has access to getting a glass pipe, I have seen people use all kind of things to smoke their “rocks” with. Mostly some kind of straight hollow object, filled with chore boy. A lot of people will break off antennas from cars, not only for the pipe, but also to use as a pusher too. They will wrap one side(usually with electrical tape) so they don’t burn their lips while smoking. Though I’ve seen people get the pipe so hot, it is unavoidable, and they don’t even seem to care. Anything to get that big hit!! Also, I’ve seen people use sockets from a socket wrench set, it is pretty crazy what people will come up with in a pinch.
The last thing, and probably the most common thing for people to use, is a can(beer or soda, it doesn’t matter). They will take the can, push in one side, and then poke a bunch of holes where they indented the can. I have also seen a lot of people use cans to smoke just about anything that is smoke-able but I think crack is the most prevalent. Then, depending on the person they might punch a hole in one side(some on top and some on bottom), this is use as a “shotgun”, to get all the smoke faster after taking the hit. I have seen some pretty crazy can configurations, and every crackhead thinks that they make the best can.
Now heroin has just as many rituals. From cooking up the drug, to how and where you are going to get that drug into your system. Everyone has their own techniques, and they are developed over time, as the person’s habit progresses. The biggest ritual is actually getting(or hitting) the drug into your system. The longer you are an addict, the harder this can get. Especially when you start blowing out veins. Most addicts lose access to their veins, from either trying to hit in one place too much or from missing the shot(this can cause big abscess’s which usually have to be drained or at least treated).
Since Heroin has to be cooked(most of the time), most people bring a cooker with them, that is unless they wait until they get home to do their shot. Which is another ritual in itself, pulling over as fast as you can, after you have copped(gotten your drugs). These days, a lot of big cities have needle exchange programs(which are saving a lot of lives and a lot of people from disease), these programs offer many items that the addict needs to get high with(other than just the needles). The cookers they offer are aluminium and they look just like a twist off bottle cap(without the threads). Back before the needle exchange(and still in a pinch)people would take the bottom off a can and use that as their cooker. Some people use spoons, but spoons are more of a Hollywood movie thing, because they can spill very easy.
Once your dope is cooked, you’ll need to use a small piece of cotton in the cooker to draw up your dope. Not only does this make it easy to draw up, but it also filters out the impurities. Most people will just rip off a small piece from a cigarette, but needle exchanges do hand out packages with little balls of cotton. Some addicts will use the same gear over and over, this is what leads to infections and contaminated dope. Also, if you aren’t careful, you can get cotton fever. This is from drawing up your dope and not noticing a small piece of cotton(sometimes it’s so small its not even visible) on the needle and then injecting it into your system. Cotton fever, will make you feel feverish and give you flu like symptoms for about 4 hours.
Which brings me to the needles, most people start out with diabetics. They are pretty easy to get, either from the needle exchange or like the old way, go to the pharmacist and tell them you are a diabetic. Most junkies even know the different types of insulin used, just in case the pharmacist ask you. Unfortunately, after years off use, most addict lose access to their veins. Which leads to going deeper and using larger needles. The groin or the neck is usually the next choice. Which can last a very long time, but also leave scares over time. Eventually, these spots will also collapse. As years pass, most addict are covered with scars, either from missing and having abscess’s or from just repeatedly hitting in the same place.
I guess in conclusion, all drugs have their different techniques, that over time just become a natural part of the drug being used. It’s crazy to think, at first these drugs are so scary and most people wouldn’t even consider ANY of these rituals. Fact is, the more immersed you become in any drug. The more immune you become!! You find yourself doing thing that would terrify most people(and even terrified yourself, before you started). Which is how most addict end up dying or catching any variety of diseases. No one wants the life of a junkie or crackhead. All it takes is a few times and you are hooked.
Showing posts with label Heroin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Heroin. Show all posts
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Junky Logic
It took me a long time to realize that Junkies are programmed to think completely different than other people. Most people worry about how they are going to pay bills, get to work, and mainly just make it day to day without losing their minds. A Junkies day consists of finding new ways to get money, so they can get high as fast as possible.
The funniest(and saddest) part is, a Junky will tell themselves they aren't getting high that day and they actually believe it, at least for a while. They have every intention of staying clean, but will look for any excuse to throw that away. Either that or they will convince themselves that they will start getting clean tomorrow.
The tomorrow excuse will be the start of many more excuses. Starting with, "Oh, I just want one more really good high before I quit!" That is the biggest one I can think of. Then it all cascades down from there. If the Junky does actually get really high on what is suppose to be the "LAST TIME", they start thinking about how great that high was. This usually leads to thinking about going again...Mainly because they want to make sure they don't miss out on getting really high again. This brings me to the next excuse, "Well, I just messed up, so what is another day. I'll just make sure to stop tomorrow!" Now, the Junky knows deep down that they are lying to themselves. Unfortunately, when it comes to lying, the person a junky lies to the most is themselves.
Time is a funny thing when it comes to getting high. Say I got high early Saturday and then Sunday I only did a little bit. Well, to a Junky, Sunday doesn't count. On Monday, the Junky will say, "Hey, I'm doing good, I haven't been high in two days!" Even if it is Monday morning, it is two days. I mean most of Saturday, all day Sunday(because like I said it doesn't count) and Monday. You always include the day you got high and the day it is, as long as the day you got high was earlier in the day.
Here is another big one when it comes to Junky Logic. If you take someone downtown and cop for them, then they have to get you something. At least enough to get you high. Now, if you are already going down, they probably will get a pass. Though, if your already going down, you really don't involve other people, unless they have something to offer or just happen to be on the way. I mean, lets face it, adding someone else to the picture usually means picking them up and then dropping them back off. This can cut into your getting high time, and every junky knows the faster you get there and back, the quicker your getting high. I mean a lot of people will just pull over on the side of the street downtown and get high right there. Though after a couple close calls, most people will wait until they get home or somewhere safe to get high.It's either close calls or blown out veins and taking forever to hit. Either of these two things will make you wait until you are somewhere you can actually sit back and relax. Missing your shot is almost as bad as dropping it or having the needle pop off the of the rig(if any of you junkies have ever used a blue tip with removable needles, you most likely know what I am talking about)and your whole shot goes all over your arm(or wherever else you hit)and it is gone!!!
The thing is though, if you want someone to get something for you, the first thing you do is offer to drive them, or just try to call in a favor(maybe remind them how many times you have helped them and hope they are already planning on going). Anything to try to get them to get it for you without charging. I've seen this go on a countless number of times. Everyone wants people to pay for them, but no one wants to pay for someone else.
Keeping your drug dealer exclusive is the last of these big "Junky Traits". No one wants anyone else to know their drug dealer. The more dealers you have and the less other people have, means more people coming to you to get their fix. On the flip side, when you are driving people around and they are copping for you, you try to get their dealers numbers as soon as possible. That way you don't have to rely on them every time you want to get high.
The most important aspect with dealers is product quantity and quality. It is very rare that you find a dealer that is consistent. They are always either running out, or their product just goes up and down. That is why you want many dealers, so you can keep switching. Everyone within your "Junky Horde" calls everyone else to see who has the best stuff and whose stuff has fallen. The worst part about dealers is "Dealer Time"!!! For some reason, every dealer is on a slower schedule than everyone else. If they say that they will be there in 20 minutes, they really mean they will be there in at least 40 minutes!!! Whatever they say, you have to double it. I would say that 3/4 of a Junkies life is spent waiting on dealers. The other 1/4 is spent either getting high or figuring out how to get high.
So, that concludes Junky 101. I hope that you have enjoyed this look into what it means to be a junky!!! I know most people have no clue what it means to have this life and this torment everyday for the rest of your life. I really hope no ever thinks of trying Heroin. The movies glamorize it and make it look like every other drug, but it is far from anything else. Heroin isn't a drug, it is a WAY OF LIFE!!!! It stays with you, no matter how much time you put between your last high. The success rate for Heroin addicts is the lowest of them all. If any of you ever watch that show INTERVENTION, pay attention to the Heroin Addicts. It is very rare that they actually make it more than 6 months clean. Most of them don't even make it through the treatment!!!
The funniest(and saddest) part is, a Junky will tell themselves they aren't getting high that day and they actually believe it, at least for a while. They have every intention of staying clean, but will look for any excuse to throw that away. Either that or they will convince themselves that they will start getting clean tomorrow.
The tomorrow excuse will be the start of many more excuses. Starting with, "Oh, I just want one more really good high before I quit!" That is the biggest one I can think of. Then it all cascades down from there. If the Junky does actually get really high on what is suppose to be the "LAST TIME", they start thinking about how great that high was. This usually leads to thinking about going again...Mainly because they want to make sure they don't miss out on getting really high again. This brings me to the next excuse, "Well, I just messed up, so what is another day. I'll just make sure to stop tomorrow!" Now, the Junky knows deep down that they are lying to themselves. Unfortunately, when it comes to lying, the person a junky lies to the most is themselves.
Time is a funny thing when it comes to getting high. Say I got high early Saturday and then Sunday I only did a little bit. Well, to a Junky, Sunday doesn't count. On Monday, the Junky will say, "Hey, I'm doing good, I haven't been high in two days!" Even if it is Monday morning, it is two days. I mean most of Saturday, all day Sunday(because like I said it doesn't count) and Monday. You always include the day you got high and the day it is, as long as the day you got high was earlier in the day.
Here is another big one when it comes to Junky Logic. If you take someone downtown and cop for them, then they have to get you something. At least enough to get you high. Now, if you are already going down, they probably will get a pass. Though, if your already going down, you really don't involve other people, unless they have something to offer or just happen to be on the way. I mean, lets face it, adding someone else to the picture usually means picking them up and then dropping them back off. This can cut into your getting high time, and every junky knows the faster you get there and back, the quicker your getting high. I mean a lot of people will just pull over on the side of the street downtown and get high right there. Though after a couple close calls, most people will wait until they get home or somewhere safe to get high.It's either close calls or blown out veins and taking forever to hit. Either of these two things will make you wait until you are somewhere you can actually sit back and relax. Missing your shot is almost as bad as dropping it or having the needle pop off the of the rig(if any of you junkies have ever used a blue tip with removable needles, you most likely know what I am talking about)and your whole shot goes all over your arm(or wherever else you hit)and it is gone!!!
The thing is though, if you want someone to get something for you, the first thing you do is offer to drive them, or just try to call in a favor(maybe remind them how many times you have helped them and hope they are already planning on going). Anything to try to get them to get it for you without charging. I've seen this go on a countless number of times. Everyone wants people to pay for them, but no one wants to pay for someone else.
Keeping your drug dealer exclusive is the last of these big "Junky Traits". No one wants anyone else to know their drug dealer. The more dealers you have and the less other people have, means more people coming to you to get their fix. On the flip side, when you are driving people around and they are copping for you, you try to get their dealers numbers as soon as possible. That way you don't have to rely on them every time you want to get high.
The most important aspect with dealers is product quantity and quality. It is very rare that you find a dealer that is consistent. They are always either running out, or their product just goes up and down. That is why you want many dealers, so you can keep switching. Everyone within your "Junky Horde" calls everyone else to see who has the best stuff and whose stuff has fallen. The worst part about dealers is "Dealer Time"!!! For some reason, every dealer is on a slower schedule than everyone else. If they say that they will be there in 20 minutes, they really mean they will be there in at least 40 minutes!!! Whatever they say, you have to double it. I would say that 3/4 of a Junkies life is spent waiting on dealers. The other 1/4 is spent either getting high or figuring out how to get high.
So, that concludes Junky 101. I hope that you have enjoyed this look into what it means to be a junky!!! I know most people have no clue what it means to have this life and this torment everyday for the rest of your life. I really hope no ever thinks of trying Heroin. The movies glamorize it and make it look like every other drug, but it is far from anything else. Heroin isn't a drug, it is a WAY OF LIFE!!!! It stays with you, no matter how much time you put between your last high. The success rate for Heroin addicts is the lowest of them all. If any of you ever watch that show INTERVENTION, pay attention to the Heroin Addicts. It is very rare that they actually make it more than 6 months clean. Most of them don't even make it through the treatment!!!
Monday, April 16, 2012
A Junky's Dream
Most people dream of life on a beautiful Island, with people waiting on them and every need met. Also, when asked if they had three wish's, most people ask for money or women or something they think will better their lives. Junky's think completely different.
A junky only has one thing one their mind. Ask me what my heart desires and even if I am straight, I will say heroin. I could care less where I am or what I am doing. My second answer, is to have thick flowing veins, so I can make sure to be able to do all my Heroin.
I have quit a million times and am currently sober, but give me free heroin and that status will quickly change. Every time I have quit, it was because of money, too high a habit or bad product. Even collapsed blown out veins and an arm that is totally ruined didn't give me the incentive to stop. This may be shocking to hear, and if you ask most junky's, they will deny that they want to keep using.
Honestly though, a junky's life is a life of deception. It's not because we want to lie, it's because heroin has such a bad stigma attached to it, that we are forced to lie. I see it all the time, every junky, even me, is so programed to "act" like they want to quit, that is all they talk about. If you actually pay attention to an addict though, they talk so much about quitting, they actually believe it, but believing it and doing it are completely different. Junkies say over and over, I'm quitting, but they continue to get high day in and day out.
Most of the times I quit, it was just so I could bring my habit down. I have actually been in rehab, telling the counselors "I don't plan on quitting, I just want to be able to afford getting high."
The funny thing is, the counselors are so programed to get people through rehab, that they are just glad that you are there. They figure, if you are there long enough, they can reprogram you and you'll never do drugs again. I've actually seen this work, and believe me, if it is what you truly want, then I am completely supportive. People definitely get out of hand with drugs, and they will destroy their lives, mine included.
The thing most people and counselors don't realize, or don't seem to understand, is that heroin isn't a drug, it is a life. Once you have been down that road, the road back is long and very painful. Relapsing is just part of the addiction. If you have had a habit and gotten clean, without relapse, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. I have never experience it, but it might exist.
Every time I write one of these blogs, I feel I need to stress the fact that I am the biggest hypocrite you'll will ever meet. I've had people ask me to get them high and I absolutely refuse!!! There is no way I am putting their soul on my shoulders!!! If you have never done dope and are thinking about it, don't!!! It will be the biggest mistake you ever make.
Well, once again, I have completely gotten off topic. My main point is, every time I watch a show or movie about wish's I think, I would wish for unlimited dope and nice veins. I know I should think, I wish for this habit to be gone, but that thought wouldn't even come into play and if it did, I would dismiss it quickly. I know it seems right to most rational people, but a junky is not rational.
Basically, I want to be rich and famous, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, I want to be rich so I can afford more dope, not so I can have a nice life. Most junky's will tell you "If I was rich, I would leave this life and be happy," but that is a lie. The worst part is, it is a lie even the junky believes.
If I had a million dollars today, I would be buying heroin as soon as the check cleared. Hell with my junky mind, I could probably get it before the check cleared!!!
A junky only has one thing one their mind. Ask me what my heart desires and even if I am straight, I will say heroin. I could care less where I am or what I am doing. My second answer, is to have thick flowing veins, so I can make sure to be able to do all my Heroin.
I have quit a million times and am currently sober, but give me free heroin and that status will quickly change. Every time I have quit, it was because of money, too high a habit or bad product. Even collapsed blown out veins and an arm that is totally ruined didn't give me the incentive to stop. This may be shocking to hear, and if you ask most junky's, they will deny that they want to keep using.
Honestly though, a junky's life is a life of deception. It's not because we want to lie, it's because heroin has such a bad stigma attached to it, that we are forced to lie. I see it all the time, every junky, even me, is so programed to "act" like they want to quit, that is all they talk about. If you actually pay attention to an addict though, they talk so much about quitting, they actually believe it, but believing it and doing it are completely different. Junkies say over and over, I'm quitting, but they continue to get high day in and day out.
Most of the times I quit, it was just so I could bring my habit down. I have actually been in rehab, telling the counselors "I don't plan on quitting, I just want to be able to afford getting high."
The funny thing is, the counselors are so programed to get people through rehab, that they are just glad that you are there. They figure, if you are there long enough, they can reprogram you and you'll never do drugs again. I've actually seen this work, and believe me, if it is what you truly want, then I am completely supportive. People definitely get out of hand with drugs, and they will destroy their lives, mine included.
The thing most people and counselors don't realize, or don't seem to understand, is that heroin isn't a drug, it is a life. Once you have been down that road, the road back is long and very painful. Relapsing is just part of the addiction. If you have had a habit and gotten clean, without relapse, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. I have never experience it, but it might exist.
Every time I write one of these blogs, I feel I need to stress the fact that I am the biggest hypocrite you'll will ever meet. I've had people ask me to get them high and I absolutely refuse!!! There is no way I am putting their soul on my shoulders!!! If you have never done dope and are thinking about it, don't!!! It will be the biggest mistake you ever make.
Well, once again, I have completely gotten off topic. My main point is, every time I watch a show or movie about wish's I think, I would wish for unlimited dope and nice veins. I know I should think, I wish for this habit to be gone, but that thought wouldn't even come into play and if it did, I would dismiss it quickly. I know it seems right to most rational people, but a junky is not rational.
Basically, I want to be rich and famous, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, I want to be rich so I can afford more dope, not so I can have a nice life. Most junky's will tell you "If I was rich, I would leave this life and be happy," but that is a lie. The worst part is, it is a lie even the junky believes.
If I had a million dollars today, I would be buying heroin as soon as the check cleared. Hell with my junky mind, I could probably get it before the check cleared!!!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Quitting to Get High
The one thing that has always been there for me is Heroin. I started dabbling with it when I was 17, then pretty much quit for about 5yrs., after I move to the beach. Then I moved back to the D.C. area I got re-acquainted with it really quick, and have been in love ever since.
I've lost many friends, and had my heart broken over and over, but heroin(except when I'm broke or sick) has been there to help pull me through it all. That is what always makes it so hard to quit. It's like breaking up with someone that you know you can always go back to.
I can't even count the number of people that have tried to get me to quit, mostly through guilt. Knowing in my heart the whole time I had no intentions of quitting. Of coarse, I would try to get clean. I've been through so many different treatment, and no of them worked. I mean how could it? Sobriety is something you have to want, not something you are forced to do!!
I mean there were a couple of times that I put myself in treatment. Don't get me wrong though, it wasn't to get clean. For the most part it was because my habit was getting too expensive and I had to cut back, so I would go into treatment. I would get clean and start all over again. Sound crazy? Well, not to me!! I have never been able to picture a life without heroin. I have never wanted to be completely clean. It just makes my life totally worthless!!
In 2007, my life took a horrible turn. I lost my job, because my boss wanted to build a house for his sister. The whole job was a nightmare and we ended up losing our steady jobs. Of coarse after that happened, who is going to hire a person with an addiction. Even though getting high only effected my working abilities once, finding a job is almost impossible. I could of tried to keep it secret, but having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer is a dead give away. Not to mention, I am horrible when it comes to finding work. Most of the jobs I have had have been given to me. Which explains why I have an Associates Degree in computer technology, but I am a really good Carpenter. Finding work for me is really hard, but I will say that once I start a job, I usually am one of the top workers, no matter what the job is. I have no problem picking up a broom and doing work most people would consider remedial. My philosophy is the work has to be done and someone has to do it, so instead of complaining, just get it done!!! I try to never say no when it comes to people asking me to work. No matter how difficult it is. I have always loved to learn, most people are stuck in their ways and think they know what is right. My attitude is, I can always learn something new, even if it is someone not as experienced, there is always something they might do differently. I would say it is one of my strongest qualities. That and loyalty
So after that happened I couldn't afford to support my habit anymore. I had no choice but to start back on methadone, I haven't worked since. There are the occasional days that I am able to get high. On these days, I can accomplish everything.
I have spent the last 4 months weening myself off of the methadone, I am now down to 5mg!!! I am coming off 1mg every week, and believe me, I feel every MG. To me it is worth it. I still find myself messing around though, even though it is not at all on a schedule or planned, I manage to indulge in heroin about once or twice a month, if that. I have just realized that America will never start a Heroin Assisted Treatment Program and the only way I can stay off of methadone, is to stay away from everything. I mean, the whole process of getting high, from waiting around, to getting bad stuff, to dealing with the police is just not worth the happiness I experience when I get high. I just have to except that I am never going to be able to achieve that happiness again. The only alternative, is to move to a country which has these programs. I have even had counselors tell me that I need to do this.
It took me a long time to realize that the majority of people have no understanding of drugs. Trying to explain that my life would be 100% better if I could be medical administered heroin, just sounds crazy to most people. The honest and most sobering realization that I have had, was the fact that people would rather see me miserable and completely useless, rather than happy and on heroin. I realize the whole concept is one that sounds to most people like an excuse, but in my case it is the truth.
The truth of the matter is(and I am not bragging), that I never was a bad person on heroin. I know the stereo-type about junkies is that they can't be trusted and they have lost all their morals. This simply is the opposite with me, heroin actually let me be a better person. I worked hard for my habit!! I opened up more and even found a closer relationship with God. It made me realize that I didn't need other drugs(especially Alcohol, which by the way is ten times worse and I despise) because I was content with life and finally normal for once in my life.
Since I have been weening off of methadone and not really getting high at all, I have noticed a big difference. I no longer go to church every Sunday, I no longer care as much about myself. I guess it is just something I have to get use to and except. Because, believe me, I want (for once in a very long time) to be free. If someone asks me to go somewhere, I want the option to go. I haven't left the D.C. area in over a decade!! So I guess the bottom line is... this time, I am not only quitting so I can get high again, this time I am just plain quitting!!!
I've lost many friends, and had my heart broken over and over, but heroin(except when I'm broke or sick) has been there to help pull me through it all. That is what always makes it so hard to quit. It's like breaking up with someone that you know you can always go back to.
I can't even count the number of people that have tried to get me to quit, mostly through guilt. Knowing in my heart the whole time I had no intentions of quitting. Of coarse, I would try to get clean. I've been through so many different treatment, and no of them worked. I mean how could it? Sobriety is something you have to want, not something you are forced to do!!
I mean there were a couple of times that I put myself in treatment. Don't get me wrong though, it wasn't to get clean. For the most part it was because my habit was getting too expensive and I had to cut back, so I would go into treatment. I would get clean and start all over again. Sound crazy? Well, not to me!! I have never been able to picture a life without heroin. I have never wanted to be completely clean. It just makes my life totally worthless!!
In 2007, my life took a horrible turn. I lost my job, because my boss wanted to build a house for his sister. The whole job was a nightmare and we ended up losing our steady jobs. Of coarse after that happened, who is going to hire a person with an addiction. Even though getting high only effected my working abilities once, finding a job is almost impossible. I could of tried to keep it secret, but having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer is a dead give away. Not to mention, I am horrible when it comes to finding work. Most of the jobs I have had have been given to me. Which explains why I have an Associates Degree in computer technology, but I am a really good Carpenter. Finding work for me is really hard, but I will say that once I start a job, I usually am one of the top workers, no matter what the job is. I have no problem picking up a broom and doing work most people would consider remedial. My philosophy is the work has to be done and someone has to do it, so instead of complaining, just get it done!!! I try to never say no when it comes to people asking me to work. No matter how difficult it is. I have always loved to learn, most people are stuck in their ways and think they know what is right. My attitude is, I can always learn something new, even if it is someone not as experienced, there is always something they might do differently. I would say it is one of my strongest qualities. That and loyalty
So after that happened I couldn't afford to support my habit anymore. I had no choice but to start back on methadone, I haven't worked since. There are the occasional days that I am able to get high. On these days, I can accomplish everything.
I have spent the last 4 months weening myself off of the methadone, I am now down to 5mg!!! I am coming off 1mg every week, and believe me, I feel every MG. To me it is worth it. I still find myself messing around though, even though it is not at all on a schedule or planned, I manage to indulge in heroin about once or twice a month, if that. I have just realized that America will never start a Heroin Assisted Treatment Program and the only way I can stay off of methadone, is to stay away from everything. I mean, the whole process of getting high, from waiting around, to getting bad stuff, to dealing with the police is just not worth the happiness I experience when I get high. I just have to except that I am never going to be able to achieve that happiness again. The only alternative, is to move to a country which has these programs. I have even had counselors tell me that I need to do this.
It took me a long time to realize that the majority of people have no understanding of drugs. Trying to explain that my life would be 100% better if I could be medical administered heroin, just sounds crazy to most people. The honest and most sobering realization that I have had, was the fact that people would rather see me miserable and completely useless, rather than happy and on heroin. I realize the whole concept is one that sounds to most people like an excuse, but in my case it is the truth.
The truth of the matter is(and I am not bragging), that I never was a bad person on heroin. I know the stereo-type about junkies is that they can't be trusted and they have lost all their morals. This simply is the opposite with me, heroin actually let me be a better person. I worked hard for my habit!! I opened up more and even found a closer relationship with God. It made me realize that I didn't need other drugs(especially Alcohol, which by the way is ten times worse and I despise) because I was content with life and finally normal for once in my life.
Since I have been weening off of methadone and not really getting high at all, I have noticed a big difference. I no longer go to church every Sunday, I no longer care as much about myself. I guess it is just something I have to get use to and except. Because, believe me, I want (for once in a very long time) to be free. If someone asks me to go somewhere, I want the option to go. I haven't left the D.C. area in over a decade!! So I guess the bottom line is... this time, I am not only quitting so I can get high again, this time I am just plain quitting!!!
Monday, March 26, 2012
All My Lies
You took me back an I tried to kick
But it all just turned to lies
Months went by, I even got stabbed
But you stood right by my side
Everyday I wanted to quit
It turned into a life of lies
I lost control, I couldn't kick
Even though I tried and tried
Then you found out and it got worse
We both started living the lie
Sharing a life that destroyed us both
Our relationship couldn't survive
I made a choice before time ran out
I left so you could have a life
I straighten out and changed my ways
Everyday became a fight
I understand that it's hard for you
To trust me in any way
I need a place in your heart
My love is here to stay
But it all just turned to lies
Months went by, I even got stabbed
But you stood right by my side
Everyday I wanted to quit
It turned into a life of lies
I lost control, I couldn't kick
Even though I tried and tried
Then you found out and it got worse
We both started living the lie
Sharing a life that destroyed us both
Our relationship couldn't survive
I made a choice before time ran out
I left so you could have a life
I straighten out and changed my ways
Everyday became a fight
I understand that it's hard for you
To trust me in any way
I need a place in your heart
My love is here to stay
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Without Pain
Have I lost it,is it gone
Where the hell did I go wrong?
How could I let it get me again?
Not quit dead, but facing the end
It's been a long time
I'm always losing my mind
Craving addiction once more
It's time to kick this shit
Pick myself up off the floor
Getting nothing done and I feel no pain
It happens so slow didn't notice the change
Trying so hard, it's been so long
Got to get back to where I belong
I can't create without the pain
Everyday goes by exactly the same
Nothing is different when you just need a fix
Just making your money so you don't get sick
Where the hell did I go wrong?
How could I let it get me again?
Not quit dead, but facing the end
It's been a long time
I'm always losing my mind
Craving addiction once more
It's time to kick this shit
Pick myself up off the floor
Getting nothing done and I feel no pain
It happens so slow didn't notice the change
Trying so hard, it's been so long
Got to get back to where I belong
I can't create without the pain
Everyday goes by exactly the same
Nothing is different when you just need a fix
Just making your money so you don't get sick
Paradise in Hell
Just got off an 8 month binge
3 to 5 days of being sick again
Once again I have lost my mind
I've gone nowhere, just wasting more time
Paradise in hell has trapped my fate
Once your caught there is no escape
How can hell feel so great?
Your only immune if you can't relate
One things addict always forget
Is the pain they indured before
Right when you think you've kicked
Your right back down for more
Time flies by when your getting high
Nothing gets accomplished and you wonder why
I Started to need $150 a day
Doing anything to avoid the pain
3 to 5 days of being sick again
Once again I have lost my mind
I've gone nowhere, just wasting more time
Paradise in hell has trapped my fate
Once your caught there is no escape
How can hell feel so great?
Your only immune if you can't relate
One things addict always forget
Is the pain they indured before
Right when you think you've kicked
Your right back down for more
Time flies by when your getting high
Nothing gets accomplished and you wonder why
I Started to need $150 a day
Doing anything to avoid the pain
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