What is Success?

    I must say this topic drives me crazy. In my messed up view, I only perceive success as money. The more money you have, the more successful you are. I don’t know if this has just been burned into my brain or if it really holds true.
       I mean look at all the rich people today that didn’t do a thing to deserve it. Does their money make them better people than me? Do they even care if they fail or succeed?
       I will admit that money and success usually do go hand in hand. A hard working person usually gets paid one way or another. Now there are a lot of people that go out and volunteer just to help others out. These people are also considered rich, but not monetarily rich, these people are rich at heart. They usually give everything of themselves and ask for nothing in return. Unfortunately, being rich at heart doesn’t pay the bills. Then there is a third kind of person, like my parents. They worked a really good paying 9 to 5 job, 40hrs a week for 25 + yrs, and also went out and volunteered their time all over the place. They had these great lives…That is until I came along and drained them of all their time and money.
        Then there are the people like me. I know a lot of people consider me a bum, and to be honest, most of the time I would agree. The truth of the matter is, I might be a bum, but I’m no where near lazy. My biggest problem is being social. If I am given (yes, given, I have no skills at getting jobs or women, which is why I have been single for longer than I can even remember), If I am given a job, I usually am the top worker quick. I have a hard time with failure and rejection, which stops me from going out and trying to get jobs, but once I have the job, people are usually impressed. I am very good at adapting to my environment and a very quick learner. Wow, this is starting to sound like a resume’. It is true though, and even though I am not working a “real” job, I am working non-stop on all kinds of creative stuff everyday, usually all day(and night).
        The worst part for me is, I see a lot of successful people, that don’t have half the talent I do, but they do have the drive and dedication to get out there and keep pushing forward. I know I need to stop complaining that I never get any breaks, cause honestly, I never get out there and try to get any breaks.
        A big part of me now is striving to get over my hang ups about being rich and famous. I use to always joke about people getting rich off of my stuff when I die, so maybe now I have to start taking that more seriously. I’m not talking suicidal or anything. I think I just need to start looking at success as what my work is and can be instead of what I want it to be. Instead of striving for money, I think it is time to strive for longevity. I want to die with people saying, he might have stumbled and had his problems, but some of his work is down right phenomenal!!!

A Junky's Dream

       Most people dream of life on a beautiful Island, with people waiting on them and every need met. Also, when asked if they had three wish's, most people ask for money or women or something they think will better their lives. Junky's think completely different.
       A junky only has one thing one their mind. Ask me what my heart desires and even if I am straight, I will say heroin. I could care less where I am or what I am doing. My second answer, is to have thick flowing veins, so I can make sure to be able to do all my Heroin.
      I have quit a million times and am currently sober, but give me free heroin and that status will quickly change. Every time I have quit, it was because of money, too high a habit or bad product. Even collapsed blown out veins and an arm that is totally ruined didn't give me the incentive to stop. This may be shocking to hear, and if you ask most junky's, they will deny that they want to keep using.
     Honestly though, a junky's life is a life of deception. It's not because we want to lie, it's because heroin has such a bad stigma attached to it, that we are forced to lie. I see it all the time, every junky, even me, is so programed to "act" like they want to quit, that is all they talk about. If you actually pay attention to an addict though, they talk so much about quitting, they actually believe it, but believing it and doing it are completely different. Junkies say over and over, I'm quitting, but they continue to get high day in and day out.
      Most of the times I quit, it was just so I could bring my habit down. I have actually been in rehab, telling the counselors "I don't plan on quitting, I just want to be able to afford getting high."
      The funny thing is, the counselors are so programed to get people through rehab, that they are just glad that you are there. They figure, if you are there long enough, they can reprogram you and you'll never do drugs again. I've actually seen this work, and believe me, if it is what you truly want, then I am completely supportive. People definitely get out of hand with drugs, and they will destroy their lives, mine included.
       The thing most people and counselors don't realize, or don't seem to understand, is that heroin isn't a drug, it is a life. Once you have been down that road, the road back is long and very painful. Relapsing is just part of the addiction. If you have had a habit and gotten clean, without relapse, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. I have never experience it, but it might exist.
       Every time I write one of these blogs, I feel I need to stress the fact that I am the biggest hypocrite you'll will ever meet. I've had people ask me to get them high and I absolutely refuse!!! There is no way I am putting their soul on my shoulders!!! If you have never done dope and are thinking about it, don't!!! It will be the biggest mistake you ever make.
       Well, once again, I have completely gotten off topic. My main point is, every time I watch a show or movie about wish's I think, I would wish for unlimited dope and nice veins. I know I should think, I wish for this habit to be gone, but that thought wouldn't even come into play and if it did, I would dismiss it quickly. I know it seems right to most rational people, but a junky is not rational.
       Basically, I want to be rich and famous, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, I want to be rich so I can afford more dope, not so I can have a nice life. Most junky's will tell you "If I was rich, I would leave this life and be happy," but that is a lie. The worst part is, it is a lie even the junky believes.
       If I had a million dollars today, I would be buying heroin as soon as the check cleared. Hell with my junky mind, I could probably get it before the check cleared!!!

Walking Into Reality

My actions speak as loud as my words
But my words mean everything to me
So you can think what you want, I don't care
If I'm crazy or I'm Lazy or just fucking up

Go be your own person, leave me alone
I don't need someone like you telling me what to do
I like what I am, I do what I can
To keep my sanity

Perspective of Life

       The one thing I use to always say before doing anything I had doubts about, was "Fuck it, you only live once!!" This in itself is quit a profound statement. Unfortunately, now that I'm older I think I looked at it completely wrong. Which, by the way is the story of my life.
        To me, the statement "you only live once" always meant, do everything without worrying about the consequences. That it is better to die young  and live on the edge, then to just have a boring existence. I never thought that I would live past 30, so I did everything in excess!! I never saw a future for myself, so planning anything never made sense.I lived under the impression, that if I was to plan something out, I was planning for disaster. To me the best way to ruin something was to plan it out.
      Lately, I've been realizing that the statement "You only live once" may have a completely different meaning. I'm starting to learn that since this is the only chance we get, we are suppose to preserve our way of life. That every second is a gift and we must use it to make this world better. I must say though, the paranoid side of me is skeptical. I mean the second I start making my life better and actually have something to lose, is the minute everything is taken from me.
        I don't know what it is, but part of me is unable to except normalcy. The closer to pain and misery I am, the more comfortable my life is. It's not that I can't be like other people and "fit in", but...Well now that I think of it, that is exactly what it is. I've tried being Mr. Straight and Narrow, and believe me it takes being someone that I just can't be. Some of it has to do with drugs, but even clean, I feel like a complete misfit. So the drugs are a very small part of this and hopefully a part that is behind me.I must also interject, that drugs never really changed my personality, for better or for worse. It mostly has to do with the way my brain works, how I perceive people and especially how I think they perceive me!!! 
      The part I find the hardest to grasp, is the fact that I work night and day on my creative stuff and have nothing, but if it was discovered and I was rich and famous, then I would be praised. I mean, I have come to terms with the fact that I am a bum, but damn-it, I am a hard working bum. I could always make excuses, about my arm being messed up, hell, I could probably even get on disability(which people tell me all the time), but I haven't. I'm just struggling everyday to make it.
       So now, the whole idea behind " you only live once" is getting confusing to me. Do I keep pushing my life to the edge and hope for greatness after I die? Or do I change everything, strive for a long, healthy life and give up who and what I really am?

Retrieve Your Soul

Time has come to retrieve your soul
The debt was payed you've gained control
Reach out and collect what's your
Time has come to settle the score

Problems arise and everyone's dead
Fixing all matters and moving ahead
You don't understand how you survived
In that room you should have died

Stop before work, get what you need
Curiosity has planted it's seed
Your taking out the boss's wife
If you fuck up you'll lose your life

Out on the town everything seems fine
You relax a bit and start to unwind
The night is over and the time flies by
Little do you know she is gonna die

Rush and panic just to save her life
Your loyalty will be tested tonight
The night is over and she  pulled through
You saved her life, but she saved you

Planning out the heist of your life
Robbery has blinded your sights
You and your girl take over the place
Little do you know what you are about to face

Oceans Of Fury

Souls settle before the dawn
Clouds climb from the sea
Thunder rolls onto the shore
Whispering winds are calling me

Drift out into the madness
Ducking through the tides
Waiting for the perfect moment
To drop down deep inside

Sitting on the calm blue sea
Out beyond the break
Waiting for the perfect ride
Here’s the one I’m gonna take

Dropping down, deep inside
Cutting through the jaws of death
Back up across the break
Adrenalin takes my breath

Caught in the undertow
Tumbled onto the shore
Get back up and grab my board
My soul yearns for more

Quitting to Get High

       The one thing that has always been there for me is Heroin. I started dabbling with it when I was 17, then pretty much quit for about 5yrs., after I move to the beach. Then I moved back to the D.C. area I  got re-acquainted with it really quick, and have been in love ever since.
       I've lost many friends, and had my heart broken over and over, but heroin(except when I'm broke or sick) has been there to help pull me through it all. That is what always makes it so hard to quit. It's like breaking up with someone that you know you can always go back to.
       I can't even count the number of people that have tried to get me to quit, mostly through guilt. Knowing in my heart the whole time I had no intentions of quitting. Of coarse, I would try to get clean. I've been through so many different treatment, and no of them worked. I mean how could it? Sobriety is something you have to want, not something you are forced to do!!
       I mean there were a couple of times that I put myself in treatment. Don't get me wrong though, it wasn't to get clean. For the most part it was because my habit was getting too expensive and I had to cut back, so I would go into treatment. I would get clean and start all over again. Sound crazy? Well, not to me!! I have never been able to picture a life without heroin. I have never wanted to be completely clean. It just makes my life totally worthless!!
       In 2007, my life took a horrible turn. I lost my job, because my boss wanted to build a house for his sister. The whole job was a nightmare and we ended up losing our steady jobs. Of coarse after that happened, who is going to hire a person with an addiction. Even though getting high only effected my working abilities once, finding a job is almost impossible. I could of tried to keep it secret, but having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer is a dead give away. Not to mention, I am horrible when it comes to finding work. Most of the jobs I have had have been given to me. Which explains why I have an Associates Degree in computer technology, but I am a really good Carpenter. Finding work for me is really hard, but I will say that once I start a job, I usually am one of the top workers, no matter what the job is. I have no problem picking up a broom and doing work most people would consider remedial. My philosophy is the work has to be done and someone has to do it, so instead of complaining, just get it done!!! I try to never say no when it comes to people asking me to work. No matter how difficult it is. I have always loved to learn, most people are stuck in their ways and think they know what is right. My attitude is, I can always learn something new, even if it is someone not as experienced, there is always something they might do differently. I would say it is one of my strongest qualities. That and loyalty
       So after that happened I couldn't afford to support my habit anymore. I had no choice but to start back on methadone, I haven't worked since. There are the occasional days that I am able to get high. On these days, I can accomplish everything.
       I have spent the last 4 months weening myself off of the methadone, I am now down to 5mg!!! I am coming off 1mg every week, and believe me, I feel every MG. To me it is worth it. I still find myself messing around though, even though it is not at all on a schedule or planned, I manage to indulge in heroin about once or twice a month, if that. I have just realized that America will never start a Heroin Assisted Treatment Program and the only way I can stay off of methadone, is to stay away from everything. I mean, the whole process of getting high, from waiting around, to getting bad stuff, to dealing with the police is just not worth the happiness I experience when I get high. I just have to except that I am never going to be able to achieve that happiness again. The only alternative, is to move to a country which has these programs. I have even had counselors tell me that I need to do this.
       It took me a long time to realize that the majority of people have no understanding of drugs. Trying to explain that my life would be 100% better if I could be medical administered heroin, just sounds crazy to most people. The honest and most sobering realization that I have had, was the fact that people would rather see me miserable and completely useless, rather than happy and on heroin. I realize the whole concept is one that sounds to most people like an excuse, but in my case it is the truth.
       The truth of the matter is(and I am  not bragging), that I never was a bad person on heroin. I know the stereo-type about junkies is that they can't be trusted and they have lost all their morals. This simply is the opposite with me, heroin actually let me be a better person. I worked hard for my habit!! I opened up more and even found a closer relationship with God. It made me realize that I didn't need other drugs(especially Alcohol, which by the way is ten times worse and I despise) because I was content with life and finally normal for once in my life.
        Since I have been weening off of methadone and not really getting high at all, I have noticed a big difference. I no longer go to church every Sunday, I no longer care as much about myself. I guess it is just something I have to get use to and except. Because, believe me, I want (for once in a very long time) to be free. If someone asks me to go somewhere, I want the option to go. I haven't left the D.C. area in over a decade!! So I guess the bottom line is... this time, I am not only quitting so I can get high again, this time I am just plain quitting!!!