My Memories

My friends are alive, but something has died
Cause I moved away and left them behind
Broke my heart to make a new start
Holding the memories

I went back to visit my friends
What we once had, has come to an end
Everything's different, and we all have changed
Going home now it seems so strange

Chorus: I don't know why, maybe its me
Me and my memories

Sometimes when I'm sitting around
I think of those times, it brings me down
I'm so alone, I miss my friends
This loneliness has got to end

Standing alone, I don't belong
No matter what happens I've got to be strong
I know in my heart I'm not alone
Just a new life, in this new home

Things will start looking better for me
It's time to set myself free!!!

Walking Into Reality

My actions speak as loud as my words
But my words mean everything to me
So you can think what you want
I don't care...If I'm Lazy
Or I'm crazy, or just Fucking up
 
Chorus:I don't care too much despair
Pushing down on me
Can't you see what is to be
Walking into reality

Go be your own person leave me alone
I don't need someone like you
Telling me what to do
I like what I am, I do what I can
To keep my sanity

Chorus:
Walking In to reality

Holding On

Looking for piece of mind
Living through these fucked up times
Inner sight is making me blind
Do you like to hear me whine?

Chorus: Sit here and wonder how I go wrong
Falling Apart, Holding On
Happiness is so hard to find
Living through these fucked up times

I always seem to go, just a little to far
Making my life, oh so hard
(Don't know why I I drop my guard)
(And let the loneliness rip me apart)

My emotions change, with every day
At least I know I'm not plain
I don't give a fuck if you think
I'm So strange, why the hell would I
be the same?

Sit here and wonder how I go wrong
Falling Apart, Holding On
Happiness is so hard to find
Living through these fucked up times

Filtered Fallacy

Paradise, left behind
Visions and Dreams, in my mind
Stepping Out, Falling Back
Do what I can, to stay on track

Burden yourself, with my soul
Watching time,take it's toll
What's going on? Who's in control
Watching my life, as it unfolds

I do what I want, not always my way
I don't listen, to people's hearsay
Filter out, the Fallacy
Broken promise, I perceive

Criticized, for my youth
Pushed aside, by the truth
Shallow pride, No esteem
Rise Above, What I use to be

Respect at heart, morals by law
My position, stand true to all
Unless opposed, by minds of greed
They're a lost cause, frail and weak

Better Off Dead

Sometimes I feel I be happier dead
Escape the thoughts in my head
I don’t think I can take much more
Everyday gives me less to live for

Everyone thinks I’ve got it so easy
Everyone thinks, I’ve got it made
But it feels like everyone’s against me
As I watch my dreams all fade

My Ideas make me feel crazy
Cause no one thinks they’re right
Maybe I should just give up
Give up on this fucked up life

Someday life will get better
I will stand on my own two feet
Throw away these fucked up thoughts
Until then…I’ll be happier dead

A Fresh Start

       In Dec. of 2011, I was watching the new karate kid, I know, it sounds funny, but there is one part of the movie where Jackie Chan says "You've taught me that life can knock you down, but you can choose to get back up." For some reason that line stuck with me. I decided right then and there to get off of methadone.

       I haven't left the D.C. area(well except to go to Baltimore for dope) since 1999, I went to the beach with my girlfriend at the time.Believe me, I brought a lot of dope and was still sick on the way home. The only other time I left was to go to Western Maryland for my Aunts funeral, once again, I brought plenty of dope, even though I was only gone for a day.

      The day I was watching the new Karate Kid, it dawned on me, I want to be free!! I can't even count the times someone has asked me to go to the beach or something and I didn't even think about it. I had excepted my fate. Then one line in a movie changed everything. I went in an told my counselor, I wanted to get off of methadone. I knew from past experiences it would be a long process, but when I started back at the clinic I told her I want to get off of this quick, I want to be out of here in a couple of months...Here it is 4 1/2 years later and I'm still not off.

      In Dec. I started coming down 2mg a week. It's been going pretty good.Now I'm down to 9mg, but I had to cut back to 1mg a week, and I'm fighting it the whole way. Now that I am down so low, I can feel each milligram, but I am going to push on.

      In Jan., the best thing that could have happened to me, did!! I got a new computer. I haven't stopped since. I don't even watch TV anymore, if I am awake, I am on this computer.

      It started out with my music, first I tried out Fl Studio, the demo version does everything but record(which I can export into a free program). Then I wanted to just practice playing my bass and guitar(Even though my arm is messed up and I can't hold a pick, I still have my fingers and I always dropped picks back when I could hold one so I got use to playing without one.)so I started looking into getting an interface for my computer. I did some wheeling and dealing and got one(I found a place that took small payments-Thank you sweetwater).I haven't stopped since.

      Next came my artwork, I was looking at all my sketchbook, and thought I need to get these uploaded. I went online and boom, wallmart had one for $25. I was so excited. So I started looking into photoshop, the best part about most programs is they'll give you a free trial(I've gone through 4 different music programs) and a lot of them have have similar freeware, that is so awesome.  Because, I haven't worked in 4 1/2 yrs.

      Then one day, I was thinking, maybe I'll just scan my poetry books, I have about 6 of them. Then it came to me, there has to be a site somewhere for poetry. Sure enough, all poetry.com was right there. A while back,in 2010, I started copying my poems onto a disk so I could have them. All I had to do was cut and paste. I uploaded 33 poems in one day.

       While I was doing that it dawned on me,I have 9 chapters of a book I was writing back in 2010(but it didn't go very far) about addiction. I knew I was dying and thought if i write a book about why addiction is what it is and the things that can be done, maybe after I am gone, someone else will be helped and can avoid this pain.

      So here it is March, I started making new music, new writings(including this), and new artwork, I absolutely love photoshop. Oh yeah, I almost forgot about learning how to do videos on my computer screen with a hypercam. That made my new music not only audible, but visible too. Add in a couple photoshopped pictures and I'm going somewhere.

      This whole digital thing is absolutely awesome to me, I can't get enough, I want to learn everything. I even started dabbling in moving logos and 3D animation, but that is a whole new project that will take a lot of time to learn. I even made my own website. It took about three days to get right(12hrs straight each day), I must of changed it a hundred times already.

      I just can't believe it's only been 2 1/2 months and I've accomplished more in that little time frame than I have in 15yrs.!! The sky is the limit  and I plan on climbing to the top!!