My Memories

My friends are alive, but something has died
Cause I moved away and left them behind
Broke my heart to make a new start
Holding the memories

I went back to visit my friends
What we once had, has come to an end
Everything's different, and we all have changed
Going home now it seems so strange

Chorus: I don't know why, maybe its me
Me and my memories

Sometimes when I'm sitting around
I think of those times, it brings me down
I'm so alone, I miss my friends
This loneliness has got to end

Standing alone, I don't belong
No matter what happens I've got to be strong
I know in my heart I'm not alone
Just a new life, in this new home

Things will start looking better for me
It's time to set myself free!!!

Walking Into Reality

My actions speak as loud as my words
But my words mean everything to me
So you can think what you want
I don't care...If I'm Lazy
Or I'm crazy, or just Fucking up
 
Chorus:I don't care too much despair
Pushing down on me
Can't you see what is to be
Walking into reality

Go be your own person leave me alone
I don't need someone like you
Telling me what to do
I like what I am, I do what I can
To keep my sanity

Chorus:
Walking In to reality

Holding On

Looking for piece of mind
Living through these fucked up times
Inner sight is making me blind
Do you like to hear me whine?

Chorus: Sit here and wonder how I go wrong
Falling Apart, Holding On
Happiness is so hard to find
Living through these fucked up times

I always seem to go, just a little to far
Making my life, oh so hard
(Don't know why I I drop my guard)
(And let the loneliness rip me apart)

My emotions change, with every day
At least I know I'm not plain
I don't give a fuck if you think
I'm So strange, why the hell would I
be the same?

Sit here and wonder how I go wrong
Falling Apart, Holding On
Happiness is so hard to find
Living through these fucked up times

Filtered Fallacy

Paradise, left behind
Visions and Dreams, in my mind
Stepping Out, Falling Back
Do what I can, to stay on track

Burden yourself, with my soul
Watching time,take it's toll
What's going on? Who's in control
Watching my life, as it unfolds

I do what I want, not always my way
I don't listen, to people's hearsay
Filter out, the Fallacy
Broken promise, I perceive

Criticized, for my youth
Pushed aside, by the truth
Shallow pride, No esteem
Rise Above, What I use to be

Respect at heart, morals by law
My position, stand true to all
Unless opposed, by minds of greed
They're a lost cause, frail and weak

Better Off Dead

Sometimes I feel I be happier dead
Escape the thoughts in my head
I don’t think I can take much more
Everyday gives me less to live for

Everyone thinks I’ve got it so easy
Everyone thinks, I’ve got it made
But it feels like everyone’s against me
As I watch my dreams all fade

My Ideas make me feel crazy
Cause no one thinks they’re right
Maybe I should just give up
Give up on this fucked up life

Someday life will get better
I will stand on my own two feet
Throw away these fucked up thoughts
Until then…I’ll be happier dead

Up or Down, Never in Between

          As far back as I can remember, I have this tendency to either be completely on top or completely on bottom, there has never been a middle ground or shall I say "Normal plain" for me. The more I analyze myself the more I realize it pertains to every aspect of my life. I'm either really happy or extremely depressed, I'm never just O.K.
       I first started noticing that I either wanted to do "everything" perfect or I just didn't want to do it. I mean of coarse I was always willing to try and practice at it, but perfection was always the goal(which I guess is obvious). I mean some people are happy with just being, I guess for lack of a better word "normal", me I wanted to be either at the top of the list or I just wouldn't do it. Even in school, if I didn't get A's or B's, I would just blow it off all together. Which I guess is why I had to get my G.E.D, but even when I got my assoc. degree, if I thought I was getting an "average" grade, I would drop the class and start over again. In the end my GPA was a 3.5, but it took me a long time to finish school.
        Even my personality and perception of myself,is completely messed up. I am completely narcissistic, with a huge ego and no self esteem. Sound completely contradictory? Yeah, I think so too. I guess loosely translated "I am the most awesome loser that ever lived!!"  I must say though I did yearn for normalcy, but found bad ways to achieve it.
        Even now, I got a new computer in Jan., it's now March and I have started learning Digital music, Photoshop, these blogs, 3D animation, how to build websites and am posting everything to the internet, oh yeah, I almost forgot, making videos too. This time last year I didn't do anything, at all!! Hell, even three months ago, I was lucky if I made a video in a month.
        I guess when I started converting everything from analog to digital I did a lot, but there is another example, I get my analog to digital converter and I do it all in one day. I could have worked on a song or two and then came back another day, but not me!! I had to do it all in one day and it had to be done right, I almost quit a hundred times, just cause it wasn't perfect.
        I could go on and on, but I think you get where I am going with this. I guess, since I kinda of understand how I am, it is better than being in complete denial. I mean most people won't except the fact that they have a problem. If someone tells them they are bi-polar or something they can't except it. Not me, I know if I want to be bi-polar, I would have to step down a few notches on the crazy meter. That's right I said it....I'm CRAZY(but not the good kind)!!!

Gloomy Days-Success

Gloomy Days-Success

Every Waking Day

Every Waking Day

Heroin Comes First

Click Here

A Fresh Start

       In Dec. of 2011, I was watching the new karate kid, I know, it sounds funny, but there is one part of the movie where Jackie Chan says "You've taught me that life can knock you down, but you can choose to get back up." For some reason that line stuck with me. I decided right then and there to get off of methadone.

       I haven't left the D.C. area(well except to go to Baltimore for dope) since 1999, I went to the beach with my girlfriend at the time.Believe me, I brought a lot of dope and was still sick on the way home. The only other time I left was to go to Western Maryland for my Aunts funeral, once again, I brought plenty of dope, even though I was only gone for a day.

      The day I was watching the new Karate Kid, it dawned on me, I want to be free!! I can't even count the times someone has asked me to go to the beach or something and I didn't even think about it. I had excepted my fate. Then one line in a movie changed everything. I went in an told my counselor, I wanted to get off of methadone. I knew from past experiences it would be a long process, but when I started back at the clinic I told her I want to get off of this quick, I want to be out of here in a couple of months...Here it is 4 1/2 years later and I'm still not off.

      In Dec. I started coming down 2mg a week. It's been going pretty good.Now I'm down to 9mg, but I had to cut back to 1mg a week, and I'm fighting it the whole way. Now that I am down so low, I can feel each milligram, but I am going to push on.

      In Jan., the best thing that could have happened to me, did!! I got a new computer. I haven't stopped since. I don't even watch TV anymore, if I am awake, I am on this computer.

      It started out with my music, first I tried out Fl Studio, the demo version does everything but record(which I can export into a free program). Then I wanted to just practice playing my bass and guitar(Even though my arm is messed up and I can't hold a pick, I still have my fingers and I always dropped picks back when I could hold one so I got use to playing without one.)so I started looking into getting an interface for my computer. I did some wheeling and dealing and got one(I found a place that took small payments-Thank you sweetwater).I haven't stopped since.

      Next came my artwork, I was looking at all my sketchbook, and thought I need to get these uploaded. I went online and boom, wallmart had one for $25. I was so excited. So I started looking into photoshop, the best part about most programs is they'll give you a free trial(I've gone through 4 different music programs) and a lot of them have have similar freeware, that is so awesome.  Because, I haven't worked in 4 1/2 yrs.

      Then one day, I was thinking, maybe I'll just scan my poetry books, I have about 6 of them. Then it came to me, there has to be a site somewhere for poetry. Sure enough, all poetry.com was right there. A while back,in 2010, I started copying my poems onto a disk so I could have them. All I had to do was cut and paste. I uploaded 33 poems in one day.

       While I was doing that it dawned on me,I have 9 chapters of a book I was writing back in 2010(but it didn't go very far) about addiction. I knew I was dying and thought if i write a book about why addiction is what it is and the things that can be done, maybe after I am gone, someone else will be helped and can avoid this pain.

      So here it is March, I started making new music, new writings(including this), and new artwork, I absolutely love photoshop. Oh yeah, I almost forgot about learning how to do videos on my computer screen with a hypercam. That made my new music not only audible, but visible too. Add in a couple photoshopped pictures and I'm going somewhere.

      This whole digital thing is absolutely awesome to me, I can't get enough, I want to learn everything. I even started dabbling in moving logos and 3D animation, but that is a whole new project that will take a lot of time to learn. I even made my own website. It took about three days to get right(12hrs straight each day), I must of changed it a hundred times already.

      I just can't believe it's only been 2 1/2 months and I've accomplished more in that little time frame than I have in 15yrs.!! The sky is the limit  and I plan on climbing to the top!!

     

Miracles

            Well, it's March 8, 2012. If you would have asked me last November what my future had in store, I would say Death. For the last 4 1/2 yrs. I have been slowly dying on methadone, with no hope or will to survive. I was sleeping my life away and the methadone was consuming my soul.I had no inspiration and no drive to stop the process, I was content to die!

            Back in August of 2011 one of my friends loaned me his  VCR with a VHS to DVD converter, I started watching old videos of me playing live with my old band and decided to start uploading videos to the internet. It was a slow process, but I started to get the hang of it.

            It was both a happy and sad time, I was so happy to finally digitize my old videos, but unfortunately watching these videos brought back memories of my best friend, Darrell. He was the guitarist/singer/bassist that I was in so many bands with. I also played guitar/bass and sang(not mention almost every other  instrument except horns), but unfortunately in August of 97' he died.And I was the last person with him. The detective told me that he had done so many different drugs that nothing would have saved him! Although I was with him, I had no idea(nor did the other people that he was around getting drugs with) what else he was doing or had done. It's been so long and I still miss him everyday.

            So after loading a couple videos, I was hoping to digitize my other music. I've been wanting to do this for years, I've had countless people tell me they had the right stuff to do it, but none of them ever came through. It finally happened when one of my elementary school friends, that I got back in touch with on facebook after 25yrs. offered to loan me a analog to digital converter. I was ecstatic, though I don't like borrowing things from people because something bad always happens to them. So I started looking into getting my own interface. I had tried a few things on my old computer, but without the interface, it sounded horrible. It finally happened and I sat down in one day and just learned everything about how to do the conversions. I've now come to realize you just have to start working on these things and not get frustrated with all the trial and error.My biggest problem is that I want to do everything in one day. I was at it for 10hrs straight, I had deleted and started over or messed up and lost stuff countless times.I almost gave up(at least for that day), but I pushed through and accomplished it. I think that was the end of November, and ever since I've been on a mad tear.

            I started learning how to make videos with my music and the lyrics. I would come home from going to the clinic at 6am. If I didn't pass out right then, I would stay up and make a video. It took a while, but I got the hang of it. I was happy for a while, A feeling I thought was gone forever.

            Then by some miracle, I decided to start detoxing off of the meth. It had been so long, that I thought my life was over. I had tried it a million times, but every time I got down to about 18mg, I would mess up and have to go right back up.I wasn't on a very high dose, only 36mg, but it was enough to keep me hooked forever, so it seemed. I'm still not off, but at this time, I am down to 9mg and fighting every mg tooth and nail!! I don't really sleep anymore, but I would rather not sleep, than sleep my life away!!