It's a Child, Not a Choice

     Well, before I start this blog, let me just say that this is my opinion, I know this is a very touchy subject. This is how I feel about abortion and people are definitely going to disagree with me, which is only expected. Everyone is entitled to what they believe, if everyone agreed on everything, life would be very boring!!! O.K., with that being said, lets get into the controversy.
      I saw this bumper sticker this morning, it read "It's a Child, Not a Choice." So I started to think to myself...and I came to this conclusion. Yes, it is a child, and that is why abortion SHOULD BE LEGAL!! I know, right now anyone who supports pro-life is about to jump up and condemn me, but like I said before....THIS IS HOW I FEEL. It is only my opinion.
      First off, lets think about it, there are so many unwanted children out there, is it really fair to give birth to someone an have them grow up knowing they were unwanted? So you say, well what about adoption? I agree, there are a lot of people out there that want children, that can't have them. So yes, adoption is a great way for people and unwanted children to help each other out. The main issue is, there are so many unwanted children that once they reach a certain age, they are completely overlooked for children that are younger. Which leaves a lot of kids bouncing from home to home with no stable background.
      Then there are these families that already have children, but think they are doing the right thing by adopting more children. It is a great gesture and they swear up and down that they treat the adopted kids exactly the same as their own, but no matter how good their intentions are, it has got to be awkward for everyone. Of coarse, if the kid is very young and only knows the life they are introduced into, then yes, it could work, but not always. I just keep thinking about the older kids, kids that have been in an out of different foster homes their whole lives and really have no way to know what is really expected of them. Are they really suppose to just move in to someones house and fit right in?
       Then there is the bad side of adoption. People that could care less about the kids. They know, if they take these kids in, they will get paid.They do the bare minimum and use most of the money for themselves. I mean, yes it is helpful, but do these kids really benefit when the person doesn't really care about them? Then you have the worse of the worst, the pedophiles and sicko's that prey on kids. I mean, it sucks, but there is always a down side to everything. They make the people who are really trying to do good look bad.
      Now, lets look at it from the pregnant girls point of view. Let say abortion is Illegal. There is this girl that makes all the wrong decisions, she gets wasted everyday, and does every drug imaginable. One night she is all wasted and gets pregnant. Well, abortion is Illegal, do you think this is going to stop her from getting wasted? No way, in fact, she will probably get more messed up just from the guilt alone. Is this going to give that baby a better quality if life? Even if she does put it up for adoption, the baby will be born addicted to all kinds of drugs and will have so many different defects that the chances of being adopted are almost none.
      Next scenario, a girl is walking home from work or school one night and is horribly raped. She finds out 3 months later that she is pregnant, but abortion is illegal. So now she has to suffer for 6 more months, being reminded everyday of this tragic event that destroyed her life. The kid is given up for adoption, but lives their whole life wondering why the person that gave birth to them, didn't love them enough to keep them. So they go looking for their birth mother, just to find out that not only was their mother a victim, but their father was a rapist.
      People make bad decisions, and abortion is a horrific choice to live with, but making it Illegal, doesn't make the quality of life any better for anyone. For the most part it just makes life harder for the girl that is pregnant. There are stories of girls doing unheard of things to try to get rid of the baby. Going to doctors that aren't qualified, and sometimes aren't even doctors!! There have been girls that have died from this. So now not only is the baby dead,but so is the girl that got pregnant!!!
      So, no matter what the choice, it is never an easy one. Taking away a women's right to choose only endangers the women's life. People think that having the baby is always the right choice, but forcing someone to give birth to a baby that is unwanted is only setting that kid up for a horrible life. I mean with the way the world is today, being brought up with everything in your favor is still a long and hard road. Every kid is a blessing, but being unwanted is a curse.

Just Relax

   Many times I have tried to explain insomnia to people that don't suffer from it. The answer I seem to get the most is "Just Relax." This statement drives me crazy!!! Just relax?!?!? Damn, why didn't I ever think of that?!?! Holy shit, all these years of going days on end without sleep and your telling me all I had to do was just relax. Oh, my god you are my savior.
   The next person that tries to tell me to just relax, I would love to spike their drink with Crystal Meth and be like "Oh, JUST RELAX!!!" What's wrong? Your mind won't stop racing and your eyes won't shut?!?! Well, now you know how I feel, and that is without any drugs!!
      I've swear, I have tried everything, sometimes sleeping pills and other drugs won't even work. Not to mention, I have had enough problems with addiction, there is  no way I plan on getting myself hooked on something else!!. Furthermore, the times that I have taken sleeping pills and had them work, the whole next day, I am in a complete haze. I swear that is worse than not sleeping at all.
      I don't really mind the first day of no sleep, I am completely use to that. It is the second and third day that start to get to me. Insomnia is definitely like a drug by itself. Sometimes, if I am in the mood, I actually try to enjoy it. Sounds funny, I know. Here I am complaining about insomnia and then turn around and tell you I enjoy it! What can I say? I am just trying to be honest with you. Doesn't mean I will always be rational. In fact, I can assure you, the more you read, the more messed up I will probably sound. Then again, I can't be the only one....CAN I?!?!?! AHAHAHA
      I know some of you are thinking that my insomnia is induced by drugs, but it is the complete opposite. The truth is, one of the main reasons I fell in love with heroin so much was because heroin cured my insomnia and let me be "normal" for once in my life. Well, as close to normal as I can be!!!
       When I was young I did do a lot of different drugs, I even drank back then(which, if you have read any of my other posts, you'll probably know that I absolutely despise alcohol, but that is a whole different topic). I tried just about everything to escape the pain and misery, and I'm not only talking about insomnia. I have a lot of other problems, both physical and mental, insomnia is just one of them. After I discovered heroin, I pretty much quit everything else because I didn't need any of it!!!! Heroin seemed to be the answer to everything, too bad it is illegal and very expensive, or I would probably still be living a "NORMAL" life today!!!
        Methadone has also helped me to sleep. I sleep really good on methadone. The biggest problem though with methadone is, too much sleep!!! On methadone I can sleep 12 to 16 hrs a day, NO PROBLEM!! It makes you a zombie!!! If you think I am exaggerating, then go hang out for a day at a methadone clinic. It is crazy to see the effects of methadone.
       Hanging out in the methadone clinic, you'll see the young kids, they are a little off, but haven't really been on methadone long enough to see the "Change". Then there are the people that have been on it a little longer. They can still function, but you can start to notice the difference. Their speech is a little slower and so is the way they walk. Also, they might have a limp or something else wrong with their body.The biggest give away is the fact that they might only be 30 or 40, but look like they are 50 or 60!!! Then there are the people that have been on methadone for years....These people have given up all hope of a regular life. Their speech is completely off and they walk really slow. They literally walk and talk like a zombie!!!
      The worst part is, I am on the same path. I have been on methadone for 5yrs now, with no end in sight!!! I have tried time after time to quit, but just can't seem to make it.
       So in my quest for a normal life, once again I have shown that it is always just out of reach for me. I can either sleep my life away and have nothing, or I can stay up for days and go completely mental.

What is Success?

    I must say this topic drives me crazy. In my messed up view, I only perceive success as money. The more money you have, the more successful you are. I don’t know if this has just been burned into my brain or if it really holds true.
       I mean look at all the rich people today that didn’t do a thing to deserve it. Does their money make them better people than me? Do they even care if they fail or succeed?
       I will admit that money and success usually do go hand in hand. A hard working person usually gets paid one way or another. Now there are a lot of people that go out and volunteer just to help others out. These people are also considered rich, but not monetarily rich, these people are rich at heart. They usually give everything of themselves and ask for nothing in return. Unfortunately, being rich at heart doesn’t pay the bills. Then there is a third kind of person, like my parents. They worked a really good paying 9 to 5 job, 40hrs a week for 25 + yrs, and also went out and volunteered their time all over the place. They had these great lives…That is until I came along and drained them of all their time and money.
        Then there are the people like me. I know a lot of people consider me a bum, and to be honest, most of the time I would agree. The truth of the matter is, I might be a bum, but I’m no where near lazy. My biggest problem is being social. If I am given (yes, given, I have no skills at getting jobs or women, which is why I have been single for longer than I can even remember), If I am given a job, I usually am the top worker quick. I have a hard time with failure and rejection, which stops me from going out and trying to get jobs, but once I have the job, people are usually impressed. I am very good at adapting to my environment and a very quick learner. Wow, this is starting to sound like a resume’. It is true though, and even though I am not working a “real” job, I am working non-stop on all kinds of creative stuff everyday, usually all day(and night).
        The worst part for me is, I see a lot of successful people, that don’t have half the talent I do, but they do have the drive and dedication to get out there and keep pushing forward. I know I need to stop complaining that I never get any breaks, cause honestly, I never get out there and try to get any breaks.
        A big part of me now is striving to get over my hang ups about being rich and famous. I use to always joke about people getting rich off of my stuff when I die, so maybe now I have to start taking that more seriously. I’m not talking suicidal or anything. I think I just need to start looking at success as what my work is and can be instead of what I want it to be. Instead of striving for money, I think it is time to strive for longevity. I want to die with people saying, he might have stumbled and had his problems, but some of his work is down right phenomenal!!!

A Junky's Dream

       Most people dream of life on a beautiful Island, with people waiting on them and every need met. Also, when asked if they had three wish's, most people ask for money or women or something they think will better their lives. Junky's think completely different.
       A junky only has one thing one their mind. Ask me what my heart desires and even if I am straight, I will say heroin. I could care less where I am or what I am doing. My second answer, is to have thick flowing veins, so I can make sure to be able to do all my Heroin.
      I have quit a million times and am currently sober, but give me free heroin and that status will quickly change. Every time I have quit, it was because of money, too high a habit or bad product. Even collapsed blown out veins and an arm that is totally ruined didn't give me the incentive to stop. This may be shocking to hear, and if you ask most junky's, they will deny that they want to keep using.
     Honestly though, a junky's life is a life of deception. It's not because we want to lie, it's because heroin has such a bad stigma attached to it, that we are forced to lie. I see it all the time, every junky, even me, is so programed to "act" like they want to quit, that is all they talk about. If you actually pay attention to an addict though, they talk so much about quitting, they actually believe it, but believing it and doing it are completely different. Junkies say over and over, I'm quitting, but they continue to get high day in and day out.
      Most of the times I quit, it was just so I could bring my habit down. I have actually been in rehab, telling the counselors "I don't plan on quitting, I just want to be able to afford getting high."
      The funny thing is, the counselors are so programed to get people through rehab, that they are just glad that you are there. They figure, if you are there long enough, they can reprogram you and you'll never do drugs again. I've actually seen this work, and believe me, if it is what you truly want, then I am completely supportive. People definitely get out of hand with drugs, and they will destroy their lives, mine included.
       The thing most people and counselors don't realize, or don't seem to understand, is that heroin isn't a drug, it is a life. Once you have been down that road, the road back is long and very painful. Relapsing is just part of the addiction. If you have had a habit and gotten clean, without relapse, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. I have never experience it, but it might exist.
       Every time I write one of these blogs, I feel I need to stress the fact that I am the biggest hypocrite you'll will ever meet. I've had people ask me to get them high and I absolutely refuse!!! There is no way I am putting their soul on my shoulders!!! If you have never done dope and are thinking about it, don't!!! It will be the biggest mistake you ever make.
       Well, once again, I have completely gotten off topic. My main point is, every time I watch a show or movie about wish's I think, I would wish for unlimited dope and nice veins. I know I should think, I wish for this habit to be gone, but that thought wouldn't even come into play and if it did, I would dismiss it quickly. I know it seems right to most rational people, but a junky is not rational.
       Basically, I want to be rich and famous, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, I want to be rich so I can afford more dope, not so I can have a nice life. Most junky's will tell you "If I was rich, I would leave this life and be happy," but that is a lie. The worst part is, it is a lie even the junky believes.
       If I had a million dollars today, I would be buying heroin as soon as the check cleared. Hell with my junky mind, I could probably get it before the check cleared!!!

Walking Into Reality

My actions speak as loud as my words
But my words mean everything to me
So you can think what you want, I don't care
If I'm crazy or I'm Lazy or just fucking up

Go be your own person, leave me alone
I don't need someone like you telling me what to do
I like what I am, I do what I can
To keep my sanity

Perspective of Life

       The one thing I use to always say before doing anything I had doubts about, was "Fuck it, you only live once!!" This in itself is quit a profound statement. Unfortunately, now that I'm older I think I looked at it completely wrong. Which, by the way is the story of my life.
        To me, the statement "you only live once" always meant, do everything without worrying about the consequences. That it is better to die young  and live on the edge, then to just have a boring existence. I never thought that I would live past 30, so I did everything in excess!! I never saw a future for myself, so planning anything never made sense.I lived under the impression, that if I was to plan something out, I was planning for disaster. To me the best way to ruin something was to plan it out.
      Lately, I've been realizing that the statement "You only live once" may have a completely different meaning. I'm starting to learn that since this is the only chance we get, we are suppose to preserve our way of life. That every second is a gift and we must use it to make this world better. I must say though, the paranoid side of me is skeptical. I mean the second I start making my life better and actually have something to lose, is the minute everything is taken from me.
        I don't know what it is, but part of me is unable to except normalcy. The closer to pain and misery I am, the more comfortable my life is. It's not that I can't be like other people and "fit in", but...Well now that I think of it, that is exactly what it is. I've tried being Mr. Straight and Narrow, and believe me it takes being someone that I just can't be. Some of it has to do with drugs, but even clean, I feel like a complete misfit. So the drugs are a very small part of this and hopefully a part that is behind me.I must also interject, that drugs never really changed my personality, for better or for worse. It mostly has to do with the way my brain works, how I perceive people and especially how I think they perceive me!!! 
      The part I find the hardest to grasp, is the fact that I work night and day on my creative stuff and have nothing, but if it was discovered and I was rich and famous, then I would be praised. I mean, I have come to terms with the fact that I am a bum, but damn-it, I am a hard working bum. I could always make excuses, about my arm being messed up, hell, I could probably even get on disability(which people tell me all the time), but I haven't. I'm just struggling everyday to make it.
       So now, the whole idea behind " you only live once" is getting confusing to me. Do I keep pushing my life to the edge and hope for greatness after I die? Or do I change everything, strive for a long, healthy life and give up who and what I really am?

Retrieve Your Soul

Time has come to retrieve your soul
The debt was payed you've gained control
Reach out and collect what's your
Time has come to settle the score

Problems arise and everyone's dead
Fixing all matters and moving ahead
You don't understand how you survived
In that room you should have died

Stop before work, get what you need
Curiosity has planted it's seed
Your taking out the boss's wife
If you fuck up you'll lose your life

Out on the town everything seems fine
You relax a bit and start to unwind
The night is over and the time flies by
Little do you know she is gonna die

Rush and panic just to save her life
Your loyalty will be tested tonight
The night is over and she  pulled through
You saved her life, but she saved you

Planning out the heist of your life
Robbery has blinded your sights
You and your girl take over the place
Little do you know what you are about to face