Most people go out and party on Halloween. Some people dress up their kids and go house to house enjoying the holiday and the candy that comes with it. Unfortunately, for me, it’s a day I will never forget.
5am, Halloween morning. I am waking up after a 10 day stay in the hospital. I’ve been really sick for the last few weeks. So sick, I even quit smoking. I had tried everything to quit, but after 30 years of smoking, it took almost dying to finally take hold, but I digress.
Like I was saying, 5am and the nurse’s are waking me up, and preparing me for the most important event IN MY LIFE. It turns out my Aorta valve had a bad infection and was spreading the infection through my body. They told me it also effected my brain and I actually had a stroke too(thank God, I don’t really notice the effects, my mind is everything to me).
For some reason I’m not as nervous as I should be. I guess in the back of my mind, I’m hoping they are going to tell me, I don’t actually need OPEN HEART SURGERY. Unfortunately, that message never comes. So now, I’ve been prepped and carted down to the where my operation is going to take place. I’m laying in a little 6′x8′ “room” with every machine imaginable hooked up to me. The doctor comes in and briefly explains how the day will go and BOOM, I’m waking up in the ICU HEART AND UNIT.
As I’m waking up, I notice this big tube, protruding from my chest. It goes down to a portable case. This is my “drain” tube. My mom proceeds to tell me, I was just in surgery for 10 hours. To me, it was a blink of an eye. The doctors come in to check on me and explain what is going on. Since all of my veins have collapsed, they have stuck a catheter(which feels like it is 10′ long when they pull it out) into my jugular vein. The doctors tell me everything was a success and that my heart is actually very strong.
The next few days are blurry. I've gotta laugh though cause the “Doctor” that does my follow ups, can’t be older than 25. I never did ask, but you could tell, he was YOUNG. So, I’m healing well, I can’t really walk too much. I either go to the chair next to the bed or the bathroom. Even then, I am winded.
After a few days, it’s time. The doctor ask me to count to 3 and take a deep breathe. He quickly pulls the tube from my chest and then pulls the catheter from my neck. It creeps me out now just thinking about it. Though it didn't hurt, it did feel extremely awkward.
Over the next few days, I was so weak. It took everything I had, and the help of 2 nurse’s, just to walk half way down the hall and back. Within a week, I was walking by myself(and my mom was there to help, she never left my side and I love her for that). By the second week, I was making laps(with all the other heart patients) around the Heart Unit. It seemed to be everyone that had heart surgery’s goal, do laps!!!
So one night, I just couldn't get comfortable, no matter what I did. The nurse’s were very helpful(and beautiful), they tried everything, but I just felt like I was crawling out of my skin. The only thing I could relate it to, was being dope sick. I couldn't sit still to save my life. Finally, the nurse called my doctor and they brought me a Xanax. Turns out, I was having a panic attack. I've never felt anything like it. Even being dopesick, you know your dopesick, so it’s understandable, it sucks, but you know why you are suffering. With the panic attack, I was freaking out even more cause I had no idea what was wrong.
After 2 weeks in the Heart Unit, my Social worker, started looking for places for me to go for rehab. I had a 40cm pickline, from the side of my arm to above my heart. A specialist came in the first week I was hospitalized and put it in. Like I said before, 20 years of Heroin Addiction has collapsed all my veins, so I needed a pickline for antibiotics and all my other drugs.
My social worker finally found a place for me to go. That is a story in itself. The stay at Fairfax Inova really opened my eyes. I guess the closer to death, the more you appreciate it. I also realized that Nurse’s have to deal with all the shit(quit literally), they are just as much heroes as the doctors that doe the surgery.
It is now March 17, 2015. It has been 3 months since I was discharged. Luckily, I still don’t smoke, which is a daily fight. This is only the beginning of my most epic battle. There will be more to come.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Tick Tock
Time ticks away all the seconds of our life
The past is behind us and the future's a fight
They're brought together by what we decide
Rewards and regrets all seem to combine
Everyday is different, but mainly the same
Growing older your suppose to have changed
Live like a citizen, conform and be plain
Living life by your rules, is simply not sane
People can't control all aspects of their fate
Some don't believe and some don't relate
Many carry guilt, that's a heavy weight
Everyone develops at a different rate
Anxiety can cripple without any warning
Devastating depression inevitably forming
Everything you try is overwhelmingly boring
Finding yourself in constant mourning
The past is behind us and the future's a fight
They're brought together by what we decide
Rewards and regrets all seem to combine
Everyday is different, but mainly the same
Growing older your suppose to have changed
Live like a citizen, conform and be plain
Living life by your rules, is simply not sane
People can't control all aspects of their fate
Some don't believe and some don't relate
Many carry guilt, that's a heavy weight
Everyone develops at a different rate
Anxiety can cripple without any warning
Devastating depression inevitably forming
Everything you try is overwhelmingly boring
Finding yourself in constant mourning
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
The Day that Changed MY Life
How could I have known? The day seemed like every other day. Was it fate? Was his death predetermined? Why was I the one he called? What could I have done different? Even the detective told me, that there was nothing anyone could have done!! He was too far gone. Day after Day, Year after year, I still wonder, is there any way that his fate could have changed? My only comfort is knowing that I was the last one to spend time with him. Also, I know, if I didn't drive him, he would have found a way down there, and who knows what would have happened. I know he wasn't trying to kill himself. We had always done so many drugs, that we all felt invincible!! Not to mention, it wasn't the first time he had Overdosed unfortunately, this time, there was no coming back. Not even the paramedics could revive him!! The worst part is, I had no idea(until after the funeral) all the different drugs he had already done.
It was a nice summer day. I had already gone downtown once that day. At this point in my life, I had a pretty good habit. In fact, I had only been on Heroin about a year, maybe not even that long. I had a steady job, because one thing I can say is, whenever I was strung-out, I worked extra hard, because I knew I was a horrible criminal. So I had to make enough money to support my habit, or be sick. Luckily I had a boss that understood addiction, because he had his own struggles, but with a different drug.
So anyways, this was the mid 90's. The days before everyone had a cell phone, beepers were the way to reach your dealers and for some reason, that day I was shorted 2 bags. I must of had to go to someone different, because there is no way my regular dealers would have ripped me off.I was a very good and reliable customer, and the quickest way to lose customers, is to rip them off. Well, you can imagine, I wasn't too happy about that.
I had been home about an hour and the phone rings, it's Darrell asking me to take him downtown. He didn't want dope though, he wanted Xanax. Darrell, at one time did have a dope habit and every once in a while, he did dabbled with it. At this point in time though, he was more into drinking and pills. At first, I said no. I told him that I had already been and that it wasn't worth going. That is when he offered to buy me 2 bags. Well, after being ripped off earlier, how could I refuse. Back in those days, I was one of the few Junkies with a vehicle, so I made a lot of my dope driving people around. I had the wheels and I had the connections.
I guess at this point in time, I should maybe take a little time to express how much Darrell really meant to me. I mean, if you read this story just thinking that Darrell was another good friend, it won't really mean as much. To start out, I gave up everything that was my life after Darrell died. I stopped playing music, writing and drawing. Before he died, those were my only reasons for living and after his death, they lost all meaning. It took 15 years to get it all back!!
Darrell was the one person I could ALWAYS turn to when I was down. He understood me, he wouldn't even have to say anything, and things just seem to get better. Anyone lucky enough to have a friend like that, knows exactly what I mean!!! A friend like that only comes around once in a lifetime, and no matter how long you are apart, that bond is always there. You can have a handful of friends that are like brothers, but there is only one, maybe two, if you are really lucky that you will feel that bond with. Every band I ever had, Darrell was in. He taught me so much, not only about music, but about life in general.
Darrell was such a giving soul, his generosity was incredible!! I have never known anyone like that, if he had something and knew you were in need, he wouldn't even hesitate to help anyone out. Even if he didn't know you. The first time I met him, I was just hanging out by myself and he walked up and gave me this necklace with a skull on it. He definitely meant the world to me. Sometime I wonder if that was the reason I was the last person with him.
So back to the worst day of my life!!! After Darrell offered me the 2 bags, I agreed to take him downtown. Of coarse, he had his bottle with him, some cheap wine, most likely Wild Irish Rose. Darrell practically lived on that stuff. Unfortunately, when we got down there, no one was out. New York Ave. was the only place Darrell or I knew where they sold pills. I wasn't really into pills, the only time I ever took pills was when I was trying to kick Heroin. I had driven Darrell there many times on the way to get my dope. Every once in a while, you could even find dope there too. It was right next to the D.C. Methadone clinic. We checked everywhere we could down there, we even went into the McDonald where people sometimes hung out, just to see if anyone even knew where to get some pills. There was nothing, anywhere!! So, after waiting around for a while, Darrell was like screw it, he decided to just get a couple of bags of dope with me.
Well, by this time, my regular guys were out. So Darrell and I went up and got 2 bags each. I warned Darrell to be very careful, because this dope was really good. He didn't even shoot it. On the way home, he snorted his bags. I didn't even realize he did both of them!!! If I had known that was what he was going to do, I would have tried to do something to stop him. What I could of done, I don't know, because stopping a drug addict from taking drugs is almost impossible. I know some people reading this might think Darrell was trying to kill himself, but I assure you, Darrell love doing everything to the fullest. I've never seen anyone consume drugs like we did back then, not just Darrell and me, but almost everyone in our circle. It was just the way we did it back then.
As we proceed home, Darrell starts to show the signs of overdosing. He assured me he was alright, over and over again. In my head, I kept thinking about what I could do. I knew we had about 15 minutes, since he snorted it. I probably made 100 mistakes that day, but honestly, even the detective says I did the right thing. My mind was racing, what can I do? How do I save him by myself and avoid being arrested. Do I try for a hospital, do I try to get ice(which had worked in the past, unfortunately, in the past, ice worked because he wasn't already on a bunch of other stuff). Unfortunately, I wasn't anywhere near either.
As we pull into Darrell's neighborhood, I notice he is rolling back and forth(which ever way the truck turned, he would roll), I quickly stopped the car and ran over to his side of the truck. When I opened the door, Darrell fell out and landed in the grass, on the side of the truck. At first, I tried picking him up, but it just wasn't working. I set him up, in a safe place, jumped into the truck and drove to the quickest payphone. It was right across the street at the local Metro stop(not even a 1/4 mile away).
The detective told me that the ambulance was there within 3 minutes. He assured me I did the right thing, that if I tried driving Darrell to the hospital it would of taken 15 minutes and most likely he would of been dead on arrival. My biggest mistake after this was not going back immediately, but I had 2 bags of dope on me and was scared. I did drop my stuff off at home and then went back with my mom. There was no sign of Darrell or any Ambulance or anything. For some reason, I tried to convince myself that he was alright and went back home.
My biggest regret of that day came next. Darrell use to always carry a Camp 30 I.D. that he loved to show off. It was the one picture that he had that his head was shaved, he said it made him look like Charles Manson(which of coarse was a joke). Darrell always had long flowing hair. So this I.D., I guess was funny to him. Unfortunately, this day he wasn't carrying it. I didn't remember to tell the person on the 911 call his name, so no one could identify him.
The next day, the call came. Darrell was dead. He had been on life support for 24 hours until they finally Identified him. I was crushed, my whole world ended. I would never be the same.
That day, I was the last in line of a bunch of people that he went to. At the funeral, three other people came to me saying that they had just sold him a large amount of various pills. Each of us blaming ourselves for what had happened. Even after learning all that, I know in my heart it was an accident. He was trying to get pills and ended up getting really good heroin. It was just too much for him.
He was a lost soul. One of the best people I knew. I still miss him everyday. Our music and our lives had endless potential!!! Unfortunately, that day, both of our lives were changed for ever. I tried playing music for years, but it was just too overwhelming!! Every band I had, he was in. I still have never met anyone that I could just sit and write music with. It has been well over 15yrs. and I have finally gotten back into my music and writing. Although, most of the stuff I publish is the stuff we did. I hope everyone that knows me, knows how much I truly loved him.
R.I.P. Darrell Karlinksy
It was a nice summer day. I had already gone downtown once that day. At this point in my life, I had a pretty good habit. In fact, I had only been on Heroin about a year, maybe not even that long. I had a steady job, because one thing I can say is, whenever I was strung-out, I worked extra hard, because I knew I was a horrible criminal. So I had to make enough money to support my habit, or be sick. Luckily I had a boss that understood addiction, because he had his own struggles, but with a different drug.
So anyways, this was the mid 90's. The days before everyone had a cell phone, beepers were the way to reach your dealers and for some reason, that day I was shorted 2 bags. I must of had to go to someone different, because there is no way my regular dealers would have ripped me off.I was a very good and reliable customer, and the quickest way to lose customers, is to rip them off. Well, you can imagine, I wasn't too happy about that.
I had been home about an hour and the phone rings, it's Darrell asking me to take him downtown. He didn't want dope though, he wanted Xanax. Darrell, at one time did have a dope habit and every once in a while, he did dabbled with it. At this point in time though, he was more into drinking and pills. At first, I said no. I told him that I had already been and that it wasn't worth going. That is when he offered to buy me 2 bags. Well, after being ripped off earlier, how could I refuse. Back in those days, I was one of the few Junkies with a vehicle, so I made a lot of my dope driving people around. I had the wheels and I had the connections.
I guess at this point in time, I should maybe take a little time to express how much Darrell really meant to me. I mean, if you read this story just thinking that Darrell was another good friend, it won't really mean as much. To start out, I gave up everything that was my life after Darrell died. I stopped playing music, writing and drawing. Before he died, those were my only reasons for living and after his death, they lost all meaning. It took 15 years to get it all back!!
Darrell was the one person I could ALWAYS turn to when I was down. He understood me, he wouldn't even have to say anything, and things just seem to get better. Anyone lucky enough to have a friend like that, knows exactly what I mean!!! A friend like that only comes around once in a lifetime, and no matter how long you are apart, that bond is always there. You can have a handful of friends that are like brothers, but there is only one, maybe two, if you are really lucky that you will feel that bond with. Every band I ever had, Darrell was in. He taught me so much, not only about music, but about life in general.
Darrell was such a giving soul, his generosity was incredible!! I have never known anyone like that, if he had something and knew you were in need, he wouldn't even hesitate to help anyone out. Even if he didn't know you. The first time I met him, I was just hanging out by myself and he walked up and gave me this necklace with a skull on it. He definitely meant the world to me. Sometime I wonder if that was the reason I was the last person with him.
So back to the worst day of my life!!! After Darrell offered me the 2 bags, I agreed to take him downtown. Of coarse, he had his bottle with him, some cheap wine, most likely Wild Irish Rose. Darrell practically lived on that stuff. Unfortunately, when we got down there, no one was out. New York Ave. was the only place Darrell or I knew where they sold pills. I wasn't really into pills, the only time I ever took pills was when I was trying to kick Heroin. I had driven Darrell there many times on the way to get my dope. Every once in a while, you could even find dope there too. It was right next to the D.C. Methadone clinic. We checked everywhere we could down there, we even went into the McDonald where people sometimes hung out, just to see if anyone even knew where to get some pills. There was nothing, anywhere!! So, after waiting around for a while, Darrell was like screw it, he decided to just get a couple of bags of dope with me.
Well, by this time, my regular guys were out. So Darrell and I went up and got 2 bags each. I warned Darrell to be very careful, because this dope was really good. He didn't even shoot it. On the way home, he snorted his bags. I didn't even realize he did both of them!!! If I had known that was what he was going to do, I would have tried to do something to stop him. What I could of done, I don't know, because stopping a drug addict from taking drugs is almost impossible. I know some people reading this might think Darrell was trying to kill himself, but I assure you, Darrell love doing everything to the fullest. I've never seen anyone consume drugs like we did back then, not just Darrell and me, but almost everyone in our circle. It was just the way we did it back then.
As we proceed home, Darrell starts to show the signs of overdosing. He assured me he was alright, over and over again. In my head, I kept thinking about what I could do. I knew we had about 15 minutes, since he snorted it. I probably made 100 mistakes that day, but honestly, even the detective says I did the right thing. My mind was racing, what can I do? How do I save him by myself and avoid being arrested. Do I try for a hospital, do I try to get ice(which had worked in the past, unfortunately, in the past, ice worked because he wasn't already on a bunch of other stuff). Unfortunately, I wasn't anywhere near either.
As we pull into Darrell's neighborhood, I notice he is rolling back and forth(which ever way the truck turned, he would roll), I quickly stopped the car and ran over to his side of the truck. When I opened the door, Darrell fell out and landed in the grass, on the side of the truck. At first, I tried picking him up, but it just wasn't working. I set him up, in a safe place, jumped into the truck and drove to the quickest payphone. It was right across the street at the local Metro stop(not even a 1/4 mile away).
The detective told me that the ambulance was there within 3 minutes. He assured me I did the right thing, that if I tried driving Darrell to the hospital it would of taken 15 minutes and most likely he would of been dead on arrival. My biggest mistake after this was not going back immediately, but I had 2 bags of dope on me and was scared. I did drop my stuff off at home and then went back with my mom. There was no sign of Darrell or any Ambulance or anything. For some reason, I tried to convince myself that he was alright and went back home.
My biggest regret of that day came next. Darrell use to always carry a Camp 30 I.D. that he loved to show off. It was the one picture that he had that his head was shaved, he said it made him look like Charles Manson(which of coarse was a joke). Darrell always had long flowing hair. So this I.D., I guess was funny to him. Unfortunately, this day he wasn't carrying it. I didn't remember to tell the person on the 911 call his name, so no one could identify him.
The next day, the call came. Darrell was dead. He had been on life support for 24 hours until they finally Identified him. I was crushed, my whole world ended. I would never be the same.
That day, I was the last in line of a bunch of people that he went to. At the funeral, three other people came to me saying that they had just sold him a large amount of various pills. Each of us blaming ourselves for what had happened. Even after learning all that, I know in my heart it was an accident. He was trying to get pills and ended up getting really good heroin. It was just too much for him.
He was a lost soul. One of the best people I knew. I still miss him everyday. Our music and our lives had endless potential!!! Unfortunately, that day, both of our lives were changed for ever. I tried playing music for years, but it was just too overwhelming!! Every band I had, he was in. I still have never met anyone that I could just sit and write music with. It has been well over 15yrs. and I have finally gotten back into my music and writing. Although, most of the stuff I publish is the stuff we did. I hope everyone that knows me, knows how much I truly loved him.
R.I.P. Darrell Karlinksy
Friday, November 22, 2013
Unlock the Rage
I always try to help out, whenever I can
Chorus:
Anytime I'm happy, you take that away
Always pushing buttons,life is a game
So many people, why did I meet you
So just let me free, from all the agony
Crushed and Gone
My whole life I didn't care about tomorrow
20 years down and I've lost my way
All my memories consumed by sorrow
I fear that life has gone astray
It's hard to think about a future
If you're worried about making it through a day
Nobody really cares until it's over
And with time that will all just fade away
So many mistakes I keep on living
All of my dreams are crushed and gone
I find it hard to keep up the image
Everyday it gets harder just to carry on
So much potential, just follow your heart
Thrown into a world to be torn apart
No one can live on their hopes and their dreams
Reality has a way of stripping them clean
20 years down and I've lost my way
All my memories consumed by sorrow
I fear that life has gone astray
It's hard to think about a future
If you're worried about making it through a day
Nobody really cares until it's over
And with time that will all just fade away
So many mistakes I keep on living
All of my dreams are crushed and gone
I find it hard to keep up the image
Everyday it gets harder just to carry on
So much potential, just follow your heart
Thrown into a world to be torn apart
No one can live on their hopes and their dreams
Reality has a way of stripping them clean
Do What I Can
Walking down the street one day
Thinking about shit & I must say
I want to be better, live life for me
What the fuck am I suppose to be?
Yesterday's gone, that I can't change
I don't fucking care, I'm not the same
I live life for me & the things I love
Time to be myself and rise above
Chorus:
Darkness from light, day turns to night
Do what I can to live my life right
Mental, Insane, fucked in the brain
Do what I can to escape all the pain
Living this life, I search for a way
Keep it together & struggling each day
Try to stand tall, escape my past life
I refuse to give in without a fight
Tomorrow, what does the future hold?
Destiny & fate, I watch it all unfold
It's gonna be hard but I must survive
Fuck all this shit, fucking with my life!!!
Thinking about shit & I must say
I want to be better, live life for me
What the fuck am I suppose to be?
Yesterday's gone, that I can't change
I don't fucking care, I'm not the same
I live life for me & the things I love
Time to be myself and rise above
Chorus:
Darkness from light, day turns to night
Do what I can to live my life right
Mental, Insane, fucked in the brain
Do what I can to escape all the pain
Living this life, I search for a way
Keep it together & struggling each day
Try to stand tall, escape my past life
I refuse to give in without a fight
Tomorrow, what does the future hold?
Destiny & fate, I watch it all unfold
It's gonna be hard but I must survive
Fuck all this shit, fucking with my life!!!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Hopes and Dreams
I've lived so many lives, love so many times
Been on top an fallen over and over again
I've seen the best and the worst
That the world has to offer
I've been told that good people prosper
While that bad people never win
But in the years I've lived and learned
Nobody escapes from sin
So much beauty to be experienced in life
Yet we only dwell on what brings us pain
Love is suppose to conquer all
And Life is what you make it
I've been told these things over and over
But I only believe what I see
Bad things happen for no reason
Some say that its destiny
I wasn't always such a pessimist, I had hopes and dreams
Till life kicked me in the face, and rage took hold of me
I didn't always have such negative thoughts, I really did believe
That if you tried and followed your heart anything could be achieved
Then one day I woke up and my life had passed me by
My hopes and dreams were shattered, my life had been denied
I no longer known what else to do,Nothing else to try
The only thing that's left for me, is to give in and die
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