Uninspired

     So I guess I am writing this because, I have lost all my drive and inspiration. I feel like I have hit the wall and everything I try is just making me feel useless. In the last week, I have tried countless times to do SOMETHING NEW, ANYTHING!!! It just isn't happening. I think I got out about 3 lines in a new poem, and then just erased it. Same with my music, I get out a couple notes and then just scrap the whole thing.
      The sad part is, I'm not barely even getting outta bed anymore!!! I have a laptop, so I can mess around with notes and piano rolls on one of the instruments in my music programs, but as far as "real" playing, I can't even force myself to get up and play!! I have had a few ideas in my head, but just can't find the inspiration to get up and actually start working them out. I even went so far as to install some new VST's(Virtual Studio Technology(guitars, violins, bass, etc)) to try to make a new song that way. I get out a few notes and then just start messing around and lose focus. Then when I play it back, it is nothing like I imagine and I erase the whole thing.
      I hope you don't mind listening to me whine for a bit.I figured I better force myself to do something productive, so I decided to write this. I couldn't think of anything to write about, so I figured, why not write about how much my life has sucked this last week or two!! I think the main problem is the fact that I just did too much too soon. I was on this mad tear to upload all my stuff on the internet, so I found as much content as possible and posted it everywhere I could find. Now, I've kinda ran out of stuff to post. I don't know if it is because I feel like no one is really checking my stuff out, or if it is that I have run out of ideas. Either way, I am left uninspired!!!
      I guess every creative person goes through a dry patch. I just didn't expect it all to dry up. The worst part for me is, even if I did have some million dollar idea, I am just too lazy right now to do anything about it. I know....Waaahhhh, right?!?!?! I mean, this blog is short, but it has already taken me two tries to get this far. I feel like I should be able to just force myself to at least write this.
      Its not like I'm depressed. Depression is just a part of life that I have learned to deal with. I'm either extremely happy or extremely depressed. You know, edge of sanity depression(not really suicidal though, I'm have too much of an ego for that{I know that sounds messed up, and it is, completely, that is just another part of my wonderful existence}), but depression is better than what I am going through now. Usually, when I am depressed the creativity will just start flowing. This funk I am in now, feels like absolute nothing!!! I can't really explain it. Numb isn't the right word either. I care, it's not like I don't give a fuck. I could probably lie and say that though. "Oh Who care's, it's not a big deal.." Sadly though, it is a big deal, I am locked in my own mind and can't find the key.
       I guess I am just spending way too much time on this computer. I'm on this thing almost every minute I am awake. So maybe a break is something I really need anyways. I will say, I am still watching endless tutorials on everything I can think of. So I guess after this (hopefully) passing phase, maybe I will get back to overloading myself with new material. Then after a few more months will be right back where I am now.... COMPLETELY BURNT OUT!!!!

Junky Logic

       It took me a long time to realize that Junkies are programmed to think completely different than other people. Most people worry about how they are going to pay bills, get to work, and mainly just make it day to day without losing their minds. A Junkies day consists of finding new ways to get money, so they can get high as fast as possible.
      The funniest(and saddest) part is, a Junky will tell themselves they aren't getting high that day and they actually believe it, at least for a while. They have every intention of staying clean, but will look for any excuse to throw that away. Either that or they will convince themselves that they will start getting clean tomorrow. 
       The tomorrow excuse will be the start of many more excuses. Starting with, "Oh, I just want one more really good high before I quit!" That is the biggest one I can think of.  Then it all cascades down from there.  If the Junky does actually get really high on what is suppose to be the "LAST TIME", they start thinking about how great that high was. This usually leads to thinking about going again...Mainly because they want to make sure they don't miss out on getting really high again. This brings me to the next excuse, "Well, I just messed up, so what is another day. I'll just make sure to stop tomorrow!" Now, the Junky knows deep down that they are lying to themselves. Unfortunately, when it comes to lying, the person a junky lies to the most is themselves.
       Time is a funny thing when it comes to getting high. Say I got high early Saturday and then Sunday I only did a little bit. Well, to a Junky, Sunday doesn't count. On Monday, the Junky will say, "Hey, I'm doing good, I haven't been high in two days!" Even if it is Monday morning, it is two days. I mean most of Saturday, all day Sunday(because like I said it doesn't count) and Monday. You always include the day you got high and the day it is, as long as the day you got high was earlier in the day.
        Here is another big one when it comes to Junky Logic. If you take someone downtown and cop for them, then they have to get you something. At least enough to get you high. Now, if you are already going down, they probably will get a pass. Though, if your already going down, you really don't involve other people, unless they have something to offer or just happen to be on the way. I mean, lets face it, adding someone else to the picture usually means picking them up and then dropping them back off. This can cut into your getting high time, and every junky knows the faster you get there and back, the quicker your getting high. I mean a lot of people will just pull over on the side of the street downtown and get high right there. Though after a couple close calls, most people will wait until they get home or somewhere safe to get high.It's either close calls or blown out veins and taking forever to hit. Either of these two things will make you wait until you are somewhere you can actually sit back and relax. Missing your shot is almost as bad as dropping it or having the needle pop off the of the rig(if any of you junkies have ever used a blue tip with removable needles, you most likely know what I am talking about)and your whole shot goes all over your arm(or wherever else you hit)and it is gone!!!
       The thing is though, if you want someone to get something for you, the first thing you do is offer to drive them, or just try to call in a favor(maybe remind them how many times you have helped them and hope they are already planning on going). Anything to try to get them to get it for you without charging. I've seen this go on a countless number of times. Everyone wants people to pay for them, but no one wants to pay for someone else.
      Keeping your drug dealer exclusive is the last of these big "Junky Traits". No one wants anyone else to know their drug dealer. The more dealers you have and the less other people have, means more people coming to you to get their fix. On the flip side, when you are driving people around and they are copping for you, you try to get their dealers numbers as soon as possible. That way you don't have to rely on them every time you want to get high.
      The most important aspect with dealers is product quantity and quality. It is very rare that you find a dealer that is consistent. They are always either running out, or their product just goes up and down. That is why you want many dealers, so you can keep switching. Everyone within your "Junky Horde" calls everyone else to see who has the best stuff and whose stuff has fallen. The worst part about dealers is "Dealer Time"!!! For some reason, every dealer is on a slower schedule than everyone else. If they say that they will be there in 20 minutes, they really mean they will be there in at least 40 minutes!!! Whatever they say, you have to double it. I would say that 3/4 of a Junkies life is spent waiting on dealers. The other 1/4 is spent either getting high or figuring out how to get high.
       So, that concludes Junky 101. I hope that you have enjoyed this look into what it means to be a junky!!! I know most people have no clue what it means to have this life and this torment everyday for the rest of your life. I really hope no ever thinks of trying Heroin. The movies glamorize it and make it look like every other drug, but it is far from anything else. Heroin isn't a drug, it is a WAY OF LIFE!!!! It stays with you, no matter how much time you put between your last high. The success rate for Heroin addicts is the lowest of them all. If any of you ever watch that show INTERVENTION, pay attention to the Heroin Addicts. It is very rare that they actually make it more than 6 months clean. Most of them don't even make it through the treatment!!!

Happy Mothers Day

Why Are You Gay

      When I was younger, I really didn't understand why men were gay. I just couldn't comprehend how a man could be attracted to another man. In fact, I use to joke around that I felt sorry for women, just because men are so disgusting. Then I would add, if I was a women, I could see being gay, because women are so beautiful. 
      So for many years, I was very ignorant about the subject. I would laugh and put down gay people. Mainly just as a defense mechanism because I didn't understand what it meant to be gay.  Also, it must have been ingrained in me that being gay was evil and that gay men would prey on anyone of the same sex. If I even thought someone was gay, I would stay far away or do everything I could to put this man down to prove that I wasn't gay.
      Then one day, a couple of my close friends invited me to go hang out. I was horrified when I got there and realized that most of the people at this house were gay. I quickly put up my defenses and left. The whole ride home, I joked on all the people in the house and criticized my friends for putting me in that messed up situation. To be honest it was my first real encounter with gay people. I mean, growing up there were people that I expected might be gay, but like I said, I stayed far away from anyone that might be remotely gay.
       So a few weeks passed and I had forgotten the whole incident. I was invited to go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I had loved going to ever since I was 16(I was around 20 at this point). In Virginia Beach, the movie is completely different than in Fairfax(where I used to go and watch the midnight movie). In Fairfax, everyone hung-out on the floor in front of the screen and just did whatever they pleased. Well, in Virginia Beach there were actors portraying each character that actually acted out each scene on a stage in front of the screen. Other people participated,  but mostly from their own seats. It wasn't the free for all that Fairfax was.
       So one of my best friends was offered a roll as Rocky. I couldn't wait to go. It had been a few years since I had gone, so I jumped at the chance to go. Well, when we got there I was in shock to find out that most of the cast were the same gay guys that were at the house. I tried to keep my composure, but all I could think of was "Is my friend Gay? Oh my God, what do I do now?" I was freaking out. All this time, I was afraid of gay people and it turns out that my friend is one of them....this just can't be!!! So I asked him what he was doing with all these gay people. He kind of laughed and told me to relax. Then he wanted to know what my problem was, hadn't I ever been around Gay people before. I boldly told him no and that I didn't ever planning on being around them either!!! I did slowly start going over to the "Gay House" as I called it, but I was never comfortable doing so.
       A few months went by and one of the guys that started hanging around with us was a black guy that was really feminine. He was very open about being gay. It took me a while to get to the point that I could even talk to him, in fact one time we were in the kitchen and he was like "There is something in your hair...I would get it out, but I'm afraid you might hit me." I told him, yeah don't even think about touching me!! He just kinda laughed and asked me why a guy that is 6' 2' 185lbs is so scared of a guy that is barely 5' 7" 120lbs. I told him, I am not comfortable around gay people. I will say that, I was one to always say what I felt. I figured if I am going to say something about someone, I am going to say it to them first.
        After hanging out a few times, I got comfortable enough around him to actually hold a conversation with him. I started asking him why he was gay. I wanted to know why he didn't just "try" to be with women. He told he had tried to be with women many times and it was just gross to him. Then he put it into a perspective for me that just clicked. He said "You know how you look at another man and are not attracted to them at all, well when I look at a women I feel the exact same way." 
        Over the years we became really good friends. I did actually find out that he liked me, but I will say he always respected the fact that I wasn't gay. Honestly, the only thing he ever did in the manner of hitting on me was, after I moved back to the beach while trying to kick heroin, he ask me if I had ever thought about letting other guys blow me for money. Which I said no, and that was it. I'll even go so far as to admit, I was kinda flattered when I learned that he had a little crush on me.
         I had heard for a long time that homophobic people are that way because they are secretly GAY. So for the longest time, I questioned myself  "Could I really be gay?" Then I realized, I never have cared what other people think about me or who or what I am. My looks and actions go against everything that is considered normal. If I was gay, I would be proud to be gay. It would just be another explanation into why I was always so different.
        I was homophobic because it was something I didn't understand and wouldn't try to understand. I was never taught by my parents to be prejudice, they always taught me to respect and honor everyone, no matter who or what they were. I'm pretty sure my ignorance came from the people I hung out with when I was younger, we always joked on and about gay people, so I thought it was wrong and disgusting. Once I understand what being gay was about though, I was never homophobic again.
         I realized that it is so unfair to try to change someone into something they were never meant to be. Not is it only unfair to them, but trying to force a person that is gay into a heterosexuality relationship is so unfair to the other person too. I mean how many times have you heard stories about people that were married and had kids, then years later one of them comes out and the family is left devastated? This isn't fair to anyone.
        The way I see it, if someone is lucky enough to find some in this messed up world that they connect with, then they should hold on to them as long as they can. No one should be able to tell them they are wrong!!! Just like it isn't natural for a straight person to be expected to be gay. It isn't natural for someone gay to try to be straight. Being gay isn't a choice!!!! Gay people aren't trying to force straight people to be gay. SO STRAIGHT PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE TRYING TO FORCE GAY PEOPLE TO BE STRAIGHT!!!!

I Must Be Getting Old

  It's funny to me that every generation has trouble understanding the generations after them. Growing up you always hear stories from people older than you about the struggles they had as a kid. Also, kids always have better toys than the kids older than them. I can't even count the number of times I have wished I was a kid again.
      I've always made jokes about older people and their stories "Back in my day we had to walk to school...Up hill...BOTH WAYS...IN THREE FEET OF SNOW!!!"  "You kids and that DAMN ROCK N' ROLL MUSIC." The funny thing is, now that I am getting older, I catch myself all the time saying and doing things that I'm sure kids today would look at me and say "Your too old to understand!" The worst part about it is, they are probably right!!
     The thing I have the hardest time understanding now, is taping your video games. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about playing a video game. I'm talking about, if you go on Youtube or any other video site, you will see videos of people that have already played the game and are just taping it to re-watch it or show off or something. I really don't know why they do it. I mean can't they just play it over again?
      Lately, I have gotten into making videos. This requires a lot of time watching tutorials on how to do different effects and how to edit different types of videos with all kinds of programs. Every time I try to watch a new tutorial, there are all these tutorials on adding effects to already shot video games. At first, I thought it was how to make video games, now that would have been pretty awesome, but its not. I just don't understand watching yourself play a certain game over and over. Wouldn't you just want to play that game instead, you know, to get better?
        I mean, O.K. I will admit that I really never was a video game person. I have sat doing other things for hours on end while one of my friends sat there hour after hour just to try to complete one level, but at least they were playing the game. What enjoyment can someone have watching something that they should be playing? I am completely lost with this. The only reason I can think of to do this, would be to learn how to use different effects with different programs. The thing is, there are way too many of these video for them just to be learning tools.
        I remember a while back, when I first saw one of these video game videos, but that was for World of Warcraft, and it was actually a funny video. One of the characters was dancing around and acting funny. That is completely understandable. I  guess it has just evolved into people wanting to show off how good they have gotten at a certain game, which still doesn't make much sense. Unless they have conquered the game, that would actually make sense, but that is not the case.
        So yes, I will admit it....I am GETTING OLD!!!! Back in my day we didn't have all these crazy kids, taping all of their weird games....Putting them up on the YOUTUBES!!!!!! Oh well, one day these kids will have something to complain about too. It just part of life...WE ALL GET OLD!!! 

Potential

    My whole life I've heard people say "If I only had your (blank) I would do this or I would be that." I know it is suppose to be a compliment. It's just after hearing this statement in so many different ways, for so many years I am starting to think I am just one big disappointment!! The other statement is "You have such potential, don't waste it!"
       Let me start out with how I look. I'm 6'2" (and ugly as hell. In fact, I almost take pride in how ugly I really am, but I digress) and I can't count the number of times I had shorter people tell me that if they had my build, they would work out everyday and be huge. I don't know if this is their way of complimenting me on my size, or if they are just letting me know how lazy I really am. Then there is my hair, ever since I can remember I have had the curliest hair in the world. During my teenage years I tried to grow it long. The main problem is, it would only grow out, not down. I would jump into a pool and come out with beads of water on my hair(and I am not joking). Black people would tell me I had some nappy-ass hair. Yes, I had the ultra Afro!! With that being said, I still had women telling me they would pay a fortune to have hair as curly as mine. Now, they wouldn't go out with me, but they did want my hair. I guess it was their way of saying "hey your ugly, but I do like that curly hair." I guess it is just human instinct to try to find the best in people. Also, I realized it was always older women telling me this. They didn't have to worry about me asking them out. Believe me, I learned quick that when people are trying to point out your "good qualities," it really means you are ugly as hell and they are just trying to boost your confidence. Otherwise, they would be saying things like "Wow, I'll  bet the lady's line up to get at you" or "I'll bet your fighting them off day and night." You know, for some strange reason, I have never heard those words....Well, unless I'm standing next to someone else. Which is what made me realize. The comments directed at me were mercy compliments.
        Now the compliments that I did always get that were sincere were the ones about my talents. The only problem was, once again, I never seem to live up to my potential!! I don't think I could even try to count the number of times I heard "If I had your talent, I would be (blank)."
        I think school was the worse, and don't get me wrong, I will be the first to admit I was completely to blame. I mean, I got really good grades, I just thought I knew everything and was too good for school. It was really boring for me, I never did homework, but always came up with a way to get around the system. If I put as much energy into actual doing my work, as I put into getting away with not working, I would have had a 4.0 GPA. The biggest complaint I got during school was, other kids need to learn, not everyone picks this stuff up as easy as you do. I even had one teacher that kicked me out for the last semester because I was such a "class clown." She told me to just come back in an take the final(thinking I would fail) and that would be my grade. She even called me the night before the test to remind me not to miss it. I took the test, and then stood there and watched her grade it. She had the biggest look of disappointment on her face when she had to write that 92 on my paper, but a deal is a deal. Now, when it came to English, I had the worst grammar and my spelling is horrible(thank God for spellcheck), but I can write stories and poetry all day long. So, if my grades started slipping a little bit, I would just ask them to look at my writings and tell me what they thought about them. A little extra credit never hurt. Especially writing things that you knew they were completely into(even if you weren't).
         Even in my last year(which was 11th grade) they wouldn't let me drop out. I actually had to go out of my way to get kick out. Which took a lot of work, but those stories are pretty funny. I was a trouble maker, but I was never violent or completely disrespectful about it. Then again, my second to last act was pouring milk over a couple of kids in the hallway and when they busted me, I just put on a grin, paused a minute.....and said "I don't know why you all are crying over a little spilled milk." I must say, even the people in the office were trying not to laugh. It was wrong and let me just state, I was not a bully, it was just a spur of the minute thing that happened.
        My final act was in Art class and it was a little bit raunchier, but no one got anything on them. Let me just insert here that I use to always joke with the kids in that class, because most of them were really "pure" people(if you know what I am saying). You could just tell that a few of them were very protected and wholesome. So anyways, my friend took out a condom blew it up and let it go. So I grabbed it, went to the sink and filled it up with water. I turned around with it dangling in front of my crotch and yelled out "Anyone ever seen one of these" wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. My teacher was laughing, but grabbed me up and hauled me off to the Administrators office, I think she thought I actually pulled it out, but I wasn't going to correct her. That was it, I finally got what I wanted....I was out!!!
       I know I have gone off topic like always, but let me just say, I paid for those mistakes. I got my G.E.D and my associates degree in Computer Tech. which took a lot of work, but I got like a 3.5 G.P.A. It would have been higher, but I got sick and made up a bunch of tests which I could only get a "Passing" grade on and it brought my G.P.A. way down, I should have just dropped the classes and started over!!
        I guess the whole point of this blog is me trying to figure out if I should have realize a long time ago that all these people telling me I need to live up to my potential is their way of telling me I am just a lazy piece of shit. I guess they don't realize that with all this potential there is a downside. I mean look at most of the great writers and philosophers, most of them were really messed up. There is a fine line between greatness and insanity. Maybe one day I will know which category I fall into. To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way!!!

Lost Thoughts

     Well here I am, I feel like writing, but have nothing to write about!!! I was going to write about going back in time to tell yourself what to fix about your life and what you would do differently. The only problem is, I kinda feel like I have already written about this, but I went back an told myself not to do it….. Soooooo, it should be fine….(Bad Joke).
      I am in a very weird mood tonight, so even though I will try to make this about changing the past(I think the fact that most of this subject is based on wish’s and people(in movies) going back to change their past, is the reason I thought I have already written this). I reserve the right to ramble on about anything. So here we go.
      A lot of people are under the impression that if they were to go back an warn themselves about something big they regret doing, everything would change for the better and life would then be perfect from there on out. My biggest problem with this is two things.
      First off, even though it does happen rarely, no one thing is going to change everything in your life. Let say though, for argument sake, that you are one of the lucky ones, you change that one regret and get everything you ever wanted. What happens now? Everything good that has happened stays and everything bad goes? Well, I hate to tell you this, but it doesn’t work that way. That is one thing people don’t think about. If you change the bad, the good goes too. Everything changes, are you willing to give up everything? Also, if you get everything you ever wanted, will you all the sudden be happy? Look at Kurt Cobain, he got everything he always wanted and ended up blowing his brains out!!!
     Second, even if you did manage to change one big mistake, who is to say your life would get better? I mean one of the best ways to learn, is from mistakes. So let’s be logical for a minute, your one big regret is gone. Don’t you think your next mistake might be even bigger? Let’s say your biggest regret was messing up the love of your life. You go back and fix your “big mistake.” Now you get married, maybe have a kid and life seems great. Next thing you know (lets talk movie terms) the whole system is outta balance. So fate steps in and kills your wife and kid, because they were never suppose to exist. So now, not only have you lost your love again, but her family has lost a child and so have you(sounds like a movie, doesn’t it?). Think about it, bad things happen for a reason. The reasons are always clear, but good things do come from tragedy.
       I always wonder what it takes to be truly happy. I am such a skeptical person, that when I see people that seem to always be happy, I think that they are faking it. I mean looking happy and being happy are two completely different things. The funny thing is, that there are people that are content with their lives. This doesn’t mean that they are always happy, or that these people don’t ever have problems. It just means that these people have a different outlook on life. They strive to make each day better than the one before, and to them, adversity is just another challenge to conquer with a positive attitude. Which is what I think is the key to everything.
      Don’t get me wrong, I can be positive. I positively know I hate everything…See!!! I positively know that being miserable is just part of my everyday life. I guess a positive attitude is one thing I was born without. People have told me, it the choices I make and the outlook I have, but I have tried other ways.
      I’ve tried “acting” happy, but that is all it is… ACTING!!! I’ve even convinced the people I was with that their great insights were working. It’s always funny to me, because they start thinking they achieved some great miracle, “See, I knew you could be happy, all you had to do was open up and try!!!” At the same time, I’m thinking “Give me a gun, so I can put a bullet in your skull!!!” Then I would really be HAPPY!!!